Category Archives: life

Stubborn

Hello readers! That’s if I have any left.
Been completely slacking in the writing department and I have no one to blame but myself. I’m in KL now, and not spending as much time alone as I’m used to. I write when I’m bored, and being around people so much doesn’t leave me much time to feel that. Probably a positive thing, but for some reason, I’ve lost all inspiration to write. I guess I’m the kinda person who needs complete privacy before I can zone out and really let my mind wander off. And I think that’s long overdue.

Feels like I’ve made a 180° flip since getting back from Perth. All I did there was spend time with the family and go to the gym. Now that I’m back, I find myself less dedicated to working out, I haven’t seen a family member in over a month and I’ve gone back to partying *almost* like a rock star. I’m just not sure which is the more fulfilling path. 

Living life in the moment again feels pretty good but sometimes I question if it’s the smartest thing to do. It’s a case of “been there, done that” and I can’t say it got me anywhere worth shouting about. There’s this thing I do though, where I make a mistake, then don’t learn from the lesson, and find myself in the same situation I was in before. You’d think I’d know how to make the right choices by now.

But, NO! I’m a stubborn little child who refuses to think of consequences before making decisions. 

Anyhoo, I highly doubt I’ll be writing anytime soon. So for the time being, this site shall function mostly as a picture blog. 

Home.

It isn’t a bed to sleep in or a roof over my head. That I’ve always had.

Home is a feeling.

It is strong, but not overwhelming.
It gives me comfort and makes me feel safe.
It’s a sense of belonging.

I haven’t had a home for so long, I’ve almost forgotten what it’s actually like.

But I know I might be lucky enough to feel it again someday.
It is what has kept me going when I’ve been just about ready to give up.

Home is what makes every other battle worth fighting.

Home is my dream, my goal.
My happily ever after.

I know what’s missing from my life. What I want.
But how do I plan out something that isn’t really in my control?

Maybe it’s easier not knowing what you’re missing sometimes.

Yes. It’s obvious. 
Knowing that I’m leaving Perth in a day is making me sad.

Another lesson learnt.

I’ve never really been my own person before. For such a long time, I was always just “someone’s girlfriend”. Sure I say I’ve been independent. But in the sense that I don’t depend on my parents to take care of me. Or that I don’t actually stay at home with a family. But like I said, I’ve always been a girlfriend. I’ve moved away from home for the boyfriend. Changed cliques of friends for that reason too and basically readjusted everything to them. I’ve ignored my own friends at times because I get so caught up playing the part of “a girlfriend” and I forget to do things for myself. 
Whether it was intentional or not at those points, I can’t really remember. But I know I’ve always been willing to make those changes because I’ve always felt like I needed someone around who actually cared about me. 
How wrong was I?!

What on earth has any guy ever done but cause more drama in my life. It’s not like any of them have ever moved to where I was to be with me. It was never expected, coz I don’t mind moving. I adapt to new places pretty easily. But none of them have asked me to move to where they were and provided me a place to stay. No. They ask, then I figure the rest out on my own. I’ve never been with a guy who’s worked his ass off to take care of me either. There are things I have done that I wouldn’t be proud of, but not once have I dated a guy because he had money. 

I’ve always just wanted love. It’s the one thing that’s been missing from my life and I’ve been so willing to sacrifice everything else just to get it from a boyfriend. And at the end of the day, I didn’t even get that. 
I was once on the right track. I had passion, a goal, and the drive to push myself to do better in life. Then I got all stupid. Well, time to unstupify myself! Enough with guys. 
I have friends. Amazing friends who make time for me, offer me support when I’m down, let me into their lives, open up their homes to me when my boyfriend (whichever one) can’t. And on top of that, they give endless reasons to laugh and be happy. Why the hell have I not seen that before?

Between them and myself, I have all that I need to be okay. My life doesn’t need to revolve around some guy. And I can definitely function without being a girlfriend. Of course someday I’ll reach a point where I’d want that again. But I don’t want to allow myself to get there anytime soon. I’ve been single for 4 months now. That’s longer than the combined amount of time I’ve been single over the past 6 years. God. 6 years. Has it really been that long?

2011 has been a significant year to me so far. I’ve learnt to be a better friend, to be more positive about life, to be on my own. And now I just have to push myself to do things because I want to do it for myself, and not coz someone expects me to. I’m not gonna fool myself into believing that this is the end of life’s problems. Life’s a never-ending journey. But years from now, I get to look back and know that I took a big step right around now. And as long as I continue to grow, things should turn out alright.

Technology makes us

Have any of you wondered how technology has changed us? Well I was curious enough to try and google it, just like I google everything else. And here’s what came up.

8 out of the first 10 suggestions are not signs of evolution at its best. In fact, those are qualities you would think we would want to steer clear of. Who wants to be lazy, stupid or less social?
A couple of days ago, my laptop died on me and I couldn’t get it on again. Turns out that it was only the charger that blew. Good thing, coz replacing that was much cheaper than having to send my laptop in for repair. I would have died if I lost all my files and photos. Then I realised how dependent I am on my laptop. At 2 minutes I was bored out of my mind and by the time 2 hours had gone by, I almost literally felt like pulling my hair out.
Thankfully I wasn’t sitting alone in a room. I had friends who at some point decided to close their laptops so we could be more social. They tried paying attention without putting their laptops off at first, but eyes kept darting back to screens. It took a while, but after going through what I would call withdrawal, we went on to have a couple of really interesting conversations.
Here’s what I came away with. I can barely remember life without such technology, but it actually wasn’t that long ago, was it? I didn’t have my own handphone til I was 16. Blackberrys and iPhones hadn’t been created yet. Heck, I grew up to Streamyx, where my internet usage time was kept track of because they charged by the hour. No mobile internet, no broadband, no laptop. I only got that when I was 19.
At some point in life, I did not need such technologies. At some point, things were simpler. I had time to read tons of books and work on my art projects. I would spend hours playing with my pets and taking them for walks. I had time to learn to do the laundry, cook good meals, and help out with chores.
Every change that takes place had it’s pros and cons. I would not want to live in a world where I could not keep in touch with people I love that aren’t living here anymore. But I have friends living half an hour away that I hardly ever see because we feel like we get updates on each other’s lives often enough through facebook. Friendship meant so much more 10 years ago when we had to work hard on maintaining it.
I have over 2000 “friends” on facebook. I could probably count on my fingers and toes how many of them I have seen over the past few weeks. I don’t really bother seeing half of them because some people are their facebook profiles and there aren’t any stories left to be shared in person. But life is so much more than updating your facebook status. Life is about experiences and feelings. Experimenting and choosing to go through something instead of reading about it over a social networking site.
Our generation has almost everything we could possibly need to survive. We live in a world where we are not looking for necessities anymore. We are on a never-ending search of ultimate luxury. When will we draw a line and say we have enough? Where is the sky? Where’s the limit? Robots taking over the world is a viable idea for movie-makers because we make it possible. Technology to create such things and the risk of losing control over it already exists. What happens from now is in our own hands. And don’t we always say prevention’s better than cure?

Language

And this is where I think language came from. It came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be way when it was just simple survival, like water, we came up with a sound for that.
But when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we’re experiencing. When I say love, the sound comes out of my mouth and it hits the other person’s ear, travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain, through their memories of love, or lack of love, and they register what I’m saying and they say, Yes they understand, but how do I know they understand? Because words are inert, they’re just symbols, they’re dead. And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed, it’s unspeakable. And yet, when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we have connected, and we think we are understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think that’s what we live for.