Category Archives: me

a million miles

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i have always struggled with my appearance over the years. from weight issues to horrid acne. i suppose the world we live in doesn’t teach a girl to love herself very much, does it? even when big brands come up with ads that feature a diversity of women telling you that any size/skin colour is beautiful, it’s still just marketing. ads to sell a product. their product. disguised better, to reach out to the women who don’t fall into the category of “perfect”, but all it does is further drill into a girl’s head that they need to be anything else but their natural, raw self to be happy.

i think it’s really toxic, thinking or worrying so much about how one looks. i battled acne for over a decade. i saw a couple of doctors earlier on who gave me all kinds of soaps to try. then i tried all kinds of other products and creams. but no matter how expensive or branded the option was, my skin didn’t get any better. i thought it’d never go away, so a year and a half ago i finally gave up and stopped using products altogether.

4i quit make up and got rid of all the creams, washes, toners and moisturizers. it was about the same time i let my hair dread so that meant no shampoo and conditioner as well. all i do now is rinse my face with water, even when it’s oily. i haven’t used soap or facial wash in over a year. and for the first time in my life, my skin stopped causing me grief.

how ridiculous to find out after a whole decade that make up and “miracle pimple creams” were really doing the damage to begin with. it’s not like i didn’t know make up was bad. but washing never helped either. all i needed to do was just leave it alone, treat my skin as though it didn’t exist. why didn’t anyone tell me that?

i had to dig through folders of photos to find a non-edited photo of myself. didn’t realise how many photos i’d have to go through. i really never did want to keep non-edited photos around because i refused to share them. i was truly ashamed for so long.

i finally found a photo though, from 2009 if my memory’s right. and here it is next to a photo from today with no make up or editing whatsoever. just me and my natural bushy eyebrows (which i have stopped plucking) in all it’s glory.

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as you can imagine, it has been a really long and painful journey! i am really glad i took the plunge into living on the extreme end of natural and healed myself in the process. i love that i’ve grown into feeling the way i do about my outside now. not worried. beautiful. free.

the only thing i have a real difficulty going natural about is my armpit hair. maybe i can allow myself this one exception and not ever take that step as i don’t see how i’d ever enjoy the result of that. it has been getting progressively longer between shaves though, so i guess i’ll never know.

no one should ever feel any less than perfect. maybe instead of trying to achieve “prettier”, we all take a step back and stop trying – and just be beautiful the way we already are :)

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a slice of cake

it’s my birthday today!
happy birthday me!

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i’m more in love with life now than ever before.
what a truly beautiful feeling this is.

trust your struggle

the one thing i’ve known all my life with absolute certainty is that love is all i desire. what i didn’t know was the long journey i’d go on before getting to solid ground. to my happily ever after.

it took 8 years, and more than a handful of people to make me realise that love really is a journey. that love isn’t just a tangible, explainable happy feeling all the time. it is a lot of struggle and ultimately a complete willingness to let go of the unnecessary bits of myself that i thought were a part of what made “me”, to be whole and present with myself and stop believing that love was something that existed beyond, instead of within.

i spent a good 6 years on a journey towards my rock bottom. along the way, i wasted my time and self on people whom i allowed into my life out of desperation. i got into relationships because i was on my own, lost and lonely. to escape from my (then) father who was going through a lot and taking it out on me. out of pity (partially for myself too) because someone wanted to love me and i didn’t want to say no. to run from real life by disappearing into dangerous scenes. whatever more you can think of, i probably did it all.

it took a 2 month staycation with my mum and her new family to show me how much i allowed the lack of a family to really affect me and how much i just wanted a home. then getting into the most volatile relationship with the craziest, most loving person i’ve met in my life – to perfectly reflect myself at my best and worst – before i was willing to finally sit down and admit (to myself and then everyone else) how much of a wreck i was.

that was my rock bottom.

i had lost it all. many many years ago before my parents even got divorced, i was already observing. watching their love and my family slowly fall apart. knowing what was happening, wanting different but with no control of the ultimate outcome – one that left me with parents too consumed with their own lives to be there selflessly for me. i was spiraling out of control long before i knew it. but out of the need to survive – to continue living a life on my own with no support, no family, no guidance – i pretended everything was okay.

pretended. yes. because nothing ever was. and all that pretending ever did was blind me to the person i was becoming. with every action i took, there was already a justification in my head – something that talked me into feeling that what i was doing was necessary or right. i refused to stop and see myself, even though everyone else probably could.

it couldn’t have hit any harder. who was this person i was looking at in the mirror? this person i always thought was me. “me” was just a reaction to all the pain and fears i had collected over 2 decades. “me” was rebellion, full of anger and hatred towards the people who hurt me. “me” was an accumulation of lies i told myself to make things okay. “me” was everything but myself, just this little girl who wanted nothing else but to make people happy and be happy in return.

i didn’t want anything more. i didn’t want the partying, the clothes, shoes, make up and hair because no items, money or luxury would have ever been enough to fill this big gaping hole i created in myself and temporarily filled with “stuff”. i just wanted myself back. pure and simple, so i could enjoy the little things in life and not waste anymore time chasing.

every step of my journey since then has been love. and always, love for myself first. not love for my accomplishments or what i have, but love for my journey towards a perfect inner balance of yin and yang. i regularly ask myself now – who am i choosing to be? am i being fair to people and at the same time to myself? am i being genuine, honest and truthful? am i unknowingly holding on to unnecessary ugliness? am i allowing external influences dictate what i perceive to be happiness, love, beauty, purpose or success?

because i refuse to feel “incomplete” anymore. everything i was born to be, my “imperfect” human self with my “imperfect” human life. i am this. and this is whole. love is within me every step of my journey and no one can take that away – my happily ever after.

so life is never going to be what i want it to be. life will play out the way it’s meant to be. all i can do is try at every point to embrace it. the moment i did, everything external changed as if it perfectly mirrored my journey within. now, i am lucky enough to have a child to raise soon (and a few more after that i hope) in a home full of love. to try and fill them with knowledge from all that i have learned. and ultimately teach them to trust their struggle. because all we are here to do really, is experience and love.

i really do hope they grow up feeling whole.

that four lettered word

every day i count the many blessings i have in my life. after many years of pushing myself in a steady direction of pain and growth, i have really reached a point where i can say with absolute certainty, in this moment, for better or for worse, i know who i am.

it is such a liberating feeling to not be confused or uncertain. to not have to worry about what anyone else thinks or wants from me anymore because i know the path i’m on. it may not be perfect, but it is a good path and as long as i stay on it and continue being the best me i can be in any moment, i know i will keep pulling myself in a positive direction.

i am lucky every moment of every day to have a partner who shares my vision in life. to be the very best version of himself at all times too. it has been a painful, traumatic journey, but we always pull through and come out on the other end stronger, wiser and more in love than ever. together we have lost friends, family, regained family, been thrown out into the world having to make a home of our own, dropped below the poverty line, worked and saved our way out of it, started a business together, slowly collected the essentials we want/need for ourselves, finally find a home, have no choice but to leave that home…and here we are. still moving forward. still in love. still happy.

we never wanted easy. some people may not understand why we choose the path we choose instead of going for what’s safe and convenient. but everything we have been through was exactly what we asked for. and as tests, we aced each and every one of them, together.

my safety net is the handful of people in my life who are so beautiful and full of understanding and love, to accept and love me for who i am. i really am happiest in solitude and don’t have many friends at all, but the friends that i do, boy are they special.

over the years, i have come to realise that i am a quirky little weirdo that does not function the way most people do here – leaving me feeling alienated in almost all social situations because 1. i was raised speaking english and only speak english and that automatically reduces the comfort level for me and people i’m around when they have a different native tongue, and that’s a lot of people in malaysia 2. i communicate differently because my parents talked to me a LOT (still do) and i was raised to use words, to be expressive, instead of keeping it simple, short and light like the general malaysian attitude 3. i want to talk about deeper things, like human experiences and have playful debates over different opinions 4. my humour shines best when i know a person well or through sarcasm and wit, which not everyone gets.

all those things above mean that i am not a very entertaining warm person, so people don’t know exactly what to talk to me about or want to and vice versa. only once in a blue moon do i meet a person whom i can connect with, where conversations just flow and everything’s easy.

those people, the people who take the time to understand the person i really am beneath all the rumors and misunderstanding, i say they are special because i can only imagine how hard it is to see past expectations and preconceptions of what a friend or person should be.

i am a little boring, awkward, quiet unless spoken to, painfully honest, strong willed, obsessive by nature but everything i do, i do with the purest of intentions, constantly trying to understand the people i am around – how they function, how they think, how they feel. because the only thing i am good for i believe is love. i really can and do love with all of my heart. no pain, betrayal or judgement has ever stopped me from getting right back up and loving harder. and when i love a person, i would do anything in my capability to be a constant positive force in their lives to get them to where they want to be. to uplift and strengthen. so everyone gets a little reminder every now and then to hold on to their happy thoughts, keep their heads up, dreams high and not let the rest of the world get to them.

LOVE

i am so grateful to have found love in many different ways and places.

so lucky to have so much of the one thing that really, truly matters.

Obsessive Compulsive

Many people might not know, but I have always been a little OCD. It has faded away over time, especially over the past few years, but it’s taken some effort to get here. 
I’ve always liked (maybe even needed) balance. Whenever I accidentally touched something with my right hand, I’d have to touch it with my left hand too. Or if I kicked my left toe into a chair and it hurt, I’d have to do it with my right toe to get the same amount of pain. Getting up from the sofa and walking around the table to get something, I’d make it a point to walk around the other side of the table to get back to the sofa. And if I didn’t, I’d get up and walk around and back on the opposite side so that I would have passed both sides the equal amount of times.

I’ve also been pretty OCD with numbers. I like 3 and most multiples of 3 and I absolutely can not stand the number 4 (accept in 24, because it’s 8 x 3). It used to be so bad that if there was something I wanted to buy, and it came in a set of 4, I wouldn’t buy it, or I’d purposely lose (throw away) one, so that I would be left with 3. 

Although I can’t fully confirm why multiples of 3 appeal to me so much, I believe that it’s partially due to the fact that I was born on the 18th of September. Must have set in without me realizing it because I can’t remember far back enough to a time when I didn’t think 1809 was a very balance, pretty number. 
Over time, I forced myself to stop being so OCD about touching and walking around things. I’d purposely touch an object with one hand then sit still and force myself not to do anything with the other, despite how hard it was. And while I don’t think I have issues in buying things in fours now, my favouritism towards certain numbers has stuck.
I wouldn’t have thought about it if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m turning 24 this year. The biggest milestones in life (I feel) have always somehow been coordinated with the numbers I like. At 18, it was freedom from school. At 21, it was being completely legal and not having to worry about parental consent. And I always thought I’d get married at 24. My mum did it at that age, and I guess I grew up thinking that was the time for it to happen.
Now that I’m turning 24 this year and I’m nowhere near marriage, it’s made me reevaluate myself and think about the future. I don’t think I’ve given much thought to what I’d do with the rest of my life (after turning 24) if I didn’t already have a  husband and soon-to-be family to dedicate myself to. It’s definitely a little scary because I feel like 24 is the cut of point for stupidity and I should be smart enough to at least make proper decisions (most of the time) by the end of this year.
Maybe the world ending in 2012 isn’t such a bad thing. I’ve never hated the idea of it. In fact if it does happen, I would probably embrace it with open arms. But then again, the logical side of me fully doubts the possibility of an Apocalypse. I guess I’ll just have to try my hardest to get things right and then hope for the best.
By this time next year, I would have already passed the next milestone and I guess I’ll know how I feel about life after 24 then. Not sure if I’m looking forward to or dreading that day, but bring it on!

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