Category Archives: A RAINBOW JOURNEY

happy anniversary my love.

4 years ago we took that great big leap and decided to move in together after one month of seeing each other while the whole world was angry and tried to keep us apart. good times.

not everyone could see what we already knew. you and i are one. our soul paths were meant to intertwine for us to help each other become our whole selves through the process of creating the life we both yearned for so much.

our path is still long and very much unknown, but i trust we will continue flowing with the universe towards everything we know is possible. i trust the journey will bring us home.

look how far we’ve come since that miserable room in kota.

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i am so proud of us. thank you for being willing to take on every challenge this life incurs, however challenging it may be sometimes.

i love you. i will be right by your side always.

the 5th month

i thought i’d write a post on pregnancy before i’m done being pregnant and completely forget what this phase of waiting for baby feels like. the strange thing is i hardly feel pregnant at all sometimes. the first trimester was a little uncomfortable – having to fight the urge to be sick, newly heightened sense of smell that made me so aware of everything, being tired and wanting to nap. but it really is true that the second trimester is a little break before i get big and heavy. maybe nature has it that way so women don’t suffer continuously for the whole 10 months. yes, 10 months since i’m technically supposed to be pregnant for 40 weeks beginning from ovulation. i wonder why it’s always referred to as 9.

baby is growing and i’m starting to show. although in loose clothes i still look very much normal. i’m thinking i’d just look like i have a little pouch to anyone who doesn’t know i’m pregnant. looking forward to having a bigger bump really! but i’ll be patient and treasure the ease of movement i have at the moment.

we are busy busy busy preparing for the arrival of baby. it’s not all baby related stuff besides the researching side because i’ve been studying and there really isn’t too much that baby needs actually. so many people have said how expensive it is to have a child nowadays but really i think it’s the parents who want to live an expensive lifestyle. having a child is as simple as providing the basics and lots of love. the basics can be pretty damn affordable and love is tough work, but it’s free. i shall put this theory to the test soon and report back on how whether i still feel the same way after having to take care of a child.

the rest of what’s keeping us busy is setting up our home. to make sure that the space is satisfactory for us so we don’t have to think of home improvement work once baby is here. i doubt we’d have time or energy for any of that for a while.

sometimes it feels surreal that i am at this point in life. i’ve been waiting forever for this moment but the journey to get here has played out so differently. for a while it felt like i wasn’t living the life i wanted to live but since detaching from childhood fantasy like expectations, i’ve come to realise how much i’m really loving the life that i do have.

my in-laws have finally decided to give us the green light to be together. after 3 years, a wedding (they did not attend) and a baby on the way. well, i guess better late than never. i’m personally not one for giving a shit about getting approval – especially not from people who have continuously treated me horribly – but i know that this is the family i’ve married into and whether it suits me or not, these are my husband’s parents. even if i could walk away and not care, he wouldn’t ever be able to. so i’m hoping this baby gives them a reason to just be happy for him and love him and their grandchild and not create such drama and negativity anymore.

once again i feel so grateful for the amazingly wonderful family i’ve been blessed with that’s been nothing but loving and supportive through this very memorable phase of my life. count the blessings i do have, right? :)

pop!

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today marks 3 years since we moved into that really shitty room in kota.

we’d only technically been seeing each other for about a month when we found ourselves having to do what neither of us had done before. choose to rent a place and live together right off the back. things were messy and we didn’t have support or friends to help us but we didn’t feel we had a choice because walking away was just not an option. love had already happened. it was too late to change our minds.

3 years and i find myself more in love with my (now) husband than ever before. i did tell him at the start that i figure it’d probably take about 3 years for us to work through our differences and get to this point. that’s pretty excellent foresight!

i really wanted to make note of this “anniversary” because of how much love i feel for us and life right now. to have it here as a reminder if i ever looked back in the future. but the reality is that my limited vocabulary and untrained writing skills very simply can’t seem to put into words – the depth of (pregnant) emotions i have been experiencing.

what a bummer.

because i’ve really been full with so much love and happiness i’m surprised i haven’t popped like a balloon yet!

here comes the sun

Untitled-1i’m finally expecting again. because of the miscarriage the last time around, i was a little scared and very careful about getting too excited about this pregnancy. did not want to get my hopes up too high just in case something went wrong. but last week we saw a heartbeat and the doctor confirmed everything pointed towards a normal pregnancy. i can’t say the fear has completely disappeared, but the joy and excitement is definitely taking over.

it hasn’t been easy, having no choice but to be patient and wait to conceive again – especially when i’ve felt for years like i’ve wanted to step into this new phase of life. on the inside it feels like there’s this rush. that i can’t wait so long because i’ve always wanted more than one child (to say the least) and i never wanted to be 30 and pregnant. acceptance comes from knowing that in the time i spent waiting to start this chapter, i’ve learnt so much more than i could have a few years ago which better enables me to provide for my child the way i’ve always wanted to.

also this time, my husband’s prepared for it and actually excited instead of panicky and worried. i would say that the one year since we found out we were pregnant the last time has given him space to “see the light”. i could not and would not want to do this alone without him being on board fully. coming from a broken family, i feel the absolute need to provide my child/children with a stable and loving environment. there is only so much material possession and financial support we can offer them, living this simple life. but love and support is not something anyone has to purchase.

i’m really looking forward to growing as a family. i believe in the past 10 years, i’ve done all i’ve needed to do and explored as much as i could. the quest was never actually for freedom, but to find a place to call home. i always loved being at home in my own little bubble and that’s never changed. who would have known that the journey would bring me back to lil’ old taiping, the place i was born in? seems like life’s come one full circle and there couldn’t be a better time or place to start our family.

the past 10 weeks have been bearable. i spent half the time feeling really really great and the other half feeling very meh. i haven’t thrown up but that could be out of pure determination because i have had issues with morning sickness (which everyone should know happens anytime throughout the day). my love hate relationship with food is constantly evolving, leaving me with not much to look forward to in terms of food. my nose is in hyper-drive and everything smells overwhelming so i’ve been sticking to fruits, vegetable shakes and light food for the most part.

i’ve found it helpful to distract myself with preparation and research for our much awaited bundle of joy. trying to be as efficient as i can be with spending and not waste money on the ton of unnecessary baby stuff there is out there. so much information to learn from and sift through.

also, staring at the computer screen and using the scroller on the mouse makes me feel nauseous, so that’s it for updates until i’m out of this stage of pregnancy.

i tell yoong we’re only going to have one child because pregnancy is no walk in the park but i know everything passes and all will be forgotten the moment we have a baby in our arms. i predict that we will be going through this all over again.

wedding bells

planning out our wedding celebration has been a real experience for me. if you asked me at any other point in my life how i’d imagine this event would go, i bet you the ideas forming in my mind would have been anything but this. choosing to be with and marry someone whose family is not (and has never been) supportive of our choices is a real challenge. the chinese culture is extremely heavy on respect and being dutiful to one’s family. anything short of obediently fulfilling one’s responsibility and meeting parent’s expectations is a crime punishable by shaming and an endless array of disappointment.

i’m sure not all chinese families are that way. my mother is chinese and i was not raised to believe i have no choice or say in any matter. but then again, she’s not culturally very chinese at all and neither are/were my grandparents. so i really can’t speak for what the norm is. it could be a belief system that is still a building block of the culture. or it could be a dying practice. in all honesty, i’ve never had too many chinese friends – being mix and culturally more westernized meant i hardly fit in with either race.

i have however for the past 3 years – had the pleasure (or lack thereof) of having chinese in-laws. i always imagined my wedding to be an occasion to celebrate. isn’t the idea that this would be my one day to be queen? i thought i’d have my mum here and in best case scenarios my mother-in-law, fussing over the planning and what everyone would wear. i thought i’d be really happy, seeing two families get to know each other and become one.

the truth is, it’s been an extremely dreadful and draggy union. if i didn’t choose at all times to keep my head focused on love and clear from negativity, i wouldn’t make it to the finish line.

i believe my parents-in-law would like us to wait to be stable before having a wedding. or get married for that matter. i believe their son being 30 is more appropriate and acceptable. it is unfathomable, why he would want to be married at 26. although being 30 wouldn’t even make a difference because first they’d have to accept that he is marrying me. which they don’t. they think he’s crazy. they say we’re disrespectful. they act like having to invite people to the dinner is such a shameful thing. where on earth would they hide their face?

this upsets me. as much as i hold on strong to our love and know that the only people who have a say in this relationship are the actual people in the relationship, it really pokes at my emotions and sanity. i understand us living life differently is hard for them to accept. but to be almost completely ashamed at something as simple and pure as a wedding?

it turns our beautiful occasion into a messy negotiation and takes away my one day.
it’s a good thing i’ve grown to accept what i cannot change in life so at least i’m not under any delusion thinking they would show up smiling and make me feel loved. we will do this and get it over with and enjoy what we can.

love is far from a fairy tale fantasy. or maybe that’s exactly what fairy tales are about – a challenge to fight for the love that really matters. this relationship is and always will be hard work. but i have never doubted my choice and my partner has never made me feel like he doubts his. in this moment, i do fully believe that us is worth all the effort we’re putting in.

it is times like this that i really stop to appreciate how loving and beautiful a family i have. immediate and extended. things may not be perfect, but i have grown up with an incredible amount of love in my life. in the darkest of days, love always shines through. because of that, i am now able to give my partner the one thing he has been lacking in his life. to share all the warmth and happiness i have in my space and fill his life with purpose, gratitude and love.