Category Archives: A SPIRITUAL PATH

shift

the first quarter of 2017 was truly transformative, culminating in the momentous yet somewhat insignificant chopping of my 4 year old dreads. a decision made over a quick 5 minute before-bed conversation with my other half and carried out by yours truly with the aid of my trusty favourite pair of scissors the morning after. akin to the process of metamorphosis except that it felt way past due, in all honesty – hence the feeling of insignificance i suppose. i was already a butterfly, still walking around in the shell of my old caterpillar self.

i felt the need to break free creeping up on me for months – almost trying to avoid the reality that the luscious rebellious unkempt dreads i once attached to self as part of my identity no longer felt like me. i can’t say what finally came over me that fine night when the energies of change swept me off my feet and propelled me forward into this new reality. it happened so swiftly.

MAY.

we will always remember may of 2017. just days after what will be from this day forth be referred to as “the haircut”, we embarked on the emotional journey of saying goodbye to a parent as my husband’s father was unexpectedly hospitalized and given the end life prognosis. earth-shattering. but as we crossed paths with others over the following week, it became increasingly clear that the intense energy of may was felt across the board. this had indeed been a time of change and what else could we do but take everything in with a deep breath and exhale into the new.

which really got me thinking – being that i love me some good introspection – about the soil i had prepared to plant my seeds of change and the harvest that now awaits me in my garden of personal growth.

i cannot deny that the absence of weight i now feel on my head mirrors what i have been feeling on the inside. the first quarter of 2017 brought about a wave of self worth through self love and acceptance. and through that, a lightness that never existed within my perfectionist human mind.

if feels as though the journey of motherhood gave me all the motivation i needed to constantly be a better self, bringing forth and forcing me to address my accumulated human trauma and dig past through to my childlike essence self – the very essence i witness everyday in my daughter – and at long last with the warm embrace of life, there has been a breakthrough.

i love that we chose to move to taiping where we live a quiet, wholesome family life with little to no distractions (or entertainment) to pull us away from what truly matters. healing. being content. being present. we aren’t there yet, and i cannot say for certain if there is even a there to begin with. but with each passing day, we get closer to understanding what it means to be free.

and sometimes when i get a moment of peace to myself amidst the wonder and bewilderment that is parenting, it almost feels as if i am free floating and free flowing in a vast open space. dancing to the passing energies. just being.

Advertisements

let go

it never ceases to amaze me, how much we can be blind to our own actions and thought patterns. very often to the detriment of ourselves and the people around us. i spend a lot of time trying to understand things. mainly myself.

you see, i have an issue with things feeling out of control. with not being able to find or believe in a solution to what i perceive to be a problem. and when i worry about what my mind believes to be an inevitable negative outcome, i panic. i get frustrated. i get angry at the things or people who i believe to be causing these situations i can not avoid. because i believe that i am capable and willing to make the necessary changes where the other party is not. and then i push. i demand for change because i believe that only change will alter the outcome that i am so afraid of. and more often than not, that is not what the situation needs – because things spin out of control even more and everything repeats – just more intensely. that is my loop.

kindness is what any situation needs.

i have learnt that the only way to overcome myself, is to take a step back and breathe. to let go. to detach from the situation and the justification i feel towards being right or wronged. to observe myself and those around me. to understand their side. their imperfections, and mine. to accept that by letting go, the inevitable outcome i fear will indeed take place. to not fear it anymore. to know that i will get through even the roughest of patches. to know that i will be stronger for it. to remember that every experience brings with it a space for me to learn and grow. to accept that this is my journey.

to stop there and not expect the same understanding or treatment in return.

to not expect anything.

breathe.

love. surrender. give.

let go.

flow with the currents of life.

be free.

happy anniversary my love.

4 years ago we took that great big leap and decided to move in together after one month of seeing each other while the whole world was angry and tried to keep us apart. good times.

not everyone could see what we already knew. you and i are one. our soul paths were meant to intertwine for us to help each other become our whole selves through the process of creating the life we both yearned for so much.

our path is still long and very much unknown, but i trust we will continue flowing with the universe towards everything we know is possible. i trust the journey will bring us home.

look how far we’ve come since that miserable room in kota.

HOME.jpg
i am so proud of us. thank you for being willing to take on every challenge this life incurs, however challenging it may be sometimes.

i love you. i will be right by your side always.

alan watts

now there really isn’t anything radically wrong with being sick or with dying. who said you’re supposed to survive? who gave you the idea that it’s a gas to go on and on and on?

and we can’t say that it’s a good thing for everything to go on living. in very simple demonstration that if we enable everybody to go on living, we overcrowd ourselves and we’re like an unpruned tree.

and, so therefore, one person who dies in a way is honorable because he’s making room for others… although each one of us, individually, will naturally appreciate it when anybody saves our life, if we apply that case all around we can see that it’s not workable.

we can also look further into and see that if our death could be indefinitely postponed, we would not actually go on postponing it indefinitely because after a certain point we would realize that isn’t the way in which we wanted to survive.

why else would we have children? because children arrange for us to survive in another way by, as it were, passing on a torch so that you don’t have to carry it all the time. there comes a point where you can give it up and say now you work.

it’s a far more amusing arrangement for nature to continue the process of life through different individuals then it is always with the same individual, because as each new individual approaches life is renewed. and one remembers how fascinating the most ordinary everyday things are to a child, because they see them all as marvelous – because they see them all in a way that is not related to survival and profit.

when we get to thinking of everything in terms of survival and profit value, as we do, then the shapes of scratches on the floor cease to have magic. and most things, in fact, cease to have magic.

so therefore, in the course of nature, once we have ceased to see magic in the world anymore, were no longer fulfilling nature’s game being aware of it.

there’s no point in it any longer. and so we die. and, so something else comes to birth, which gets an entirely new view. and so nature’s self-awareness is a game worth the candle.

it is not, therefore, natural for us to wish to prolong life indefinitely. but we live in a culture where it has been rubbed into us in every conceivable way that to die is a terrible thing. and that is a tremendous disease from which our culture, in particular, suffers.

and we notice it personally in the way in which death is swept under the carpet. and, so a person is left to die alone, suddenly, unprepared, and doped up to the point where death hardly happens.

spontaneous pneumothorax

Yoong is back from the hospital. they discharged him yesterday.

for those who are curious, he had a spontaneous pneumothorax (collapse of a lung) brought on by dengue virus with an underlying bullae issue. which are these benign bubble like growths that put pressure on the lungs.

they put a tube into the right side of his chest to remove the air that had leaked out, for his lung to re-expand. but the doctors said our only option was to surgically remove the bullaes by an open thoracotomy (cutting into his chest), which would leave him with a 6-7 inch wound and a lot of recovery.

after a lot of consideration, we decided to opt against the surgery. that means he has been discharged, but the issue is far from being “solved”. this options means Yoong is currently living with half of a functional right lung and about 30% of his left. the rest of the space is occupied by these super annoyingly invasive “bubbles”.

we believe, that we should believe in the body’s ability to heal from all sorts of damage. especially because the lung has been known to re-grow to an extent. we are hoping to deal with this naturally by making lifestyle & diet changes, as well as look for psychological factors (the ayurvedic way) and if things don’t go as planned, then well, that’s what life has in store for him & us. everything will happen the way it’s meant to.

it is a complete trust in fate and a whole lot of faith but we feel most confident and comfortable with this decision – no matter what the outcome is.

this is another challenge life is throwing at us. two people who have chosen to live a life as naturally as we can. to take the road less traveled and believe that everything happens for a reason. even when what’s happening appears to be hell.

i am so proud of my husband for being the man he is. for being strong and willing to push through his fears and continue to live without giving into them. making a conscious choice to live not for our human selves but for our souls is an incredibly risky move. how can we be certain we’re making the “right” choice? how can we be certain things will go well? we very simply can’t. and we know the risks we are taking.

but ultimately, it is a decision to keep acting out of love instead of fear. even if it takes us down a path of darkness and uncertainty. everything truly does happen for a reason. the more we face ourselves and rise to the challenge, the more growth we are able to experience on so many levels. if we can’t trust life and its pains, then we simply will not get to benefit from the lessons we are meant to learn in this lifetime.

we choose to trust.
we choose love.