Category Archives: A SPIRITUAL PATH

alan watts

now there really isn’t anything radically wrong with being sick or with dying. who said you’re supposed to survive? who gave you the idea that it’s a gas to go on and on and on?

and we can’t say that it’s a good thing for everything to go on living. in very simple demonstration that if we enable everybody to go on living, we overcrowd ourselves and we’re like an unpruned tree.

and, so therefore, one person who dies in a way is honorable because he’s making room for others… although each one of us, individually, will naturally appreciate it when anybody saves our life, if we apply that case all around we can see that it’s not workable.

we can also look further into and see that if our death could be indefinitely postponed, we would not actually go on postponing it indefinitely because after a certain point we would realize that isn’t the way in which we wanted to survive.

why else would we have children? because children arrange for us to survive in another way by, as it were, passing on a torch so that you don’t have to carry it all the time. there comes a point where you can give it up and say now you work.

it’s a far more amusing arrangement for nature to continue the process of life through different individuals then it is always with the same individual, because as each new individual approaches life is renewed. and one remembers how fascinating the most ordinary everyday things are to a child, because they see them all as marvelous – because they see them all in a way that is not related to survival and profit.

when we get to thinking of everything in terms of survival and profit value, as we do, then the shapes of scratches on the floor cease to have magic. and most things, in fact, cease to have magic.

so therefore, in the course of nature, once we have ceased to see magic in the world anymore, were no longer fulfilling nature’s game being aware of it.

there’s no point in it any longer. and so we die. and, so something else comes to birth, which gets an entirely new view. and so nature’s self-awareness is a game worth the candle.

it is not, therefore, natural for us to wish to prolong life indefinitely. but we live in a culture where it has been rubbed into us in every conceivable way that to die is a terrible thing. and that is a tremendous disease from which our culture, in particular, suffers.

and we notice it personally in the way in which death is swept under the carpet. and, so a person is left to die alone, suddenly, unprepared, and doped up to the point where death hardly happens.

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spontaneous pneumothorax

Yoong is back from the hospital. they discharged him yesterday.

for those who are curious, he had a spontaneous pneumothorax (collapse of a lung) brought on by dengue virus with an underlying bullae issue. which are these benign bubble like growths that put pressure on the lungs.

they put a tube into the right side of his chest to remove the air that had leaked out, for his lung to re-expand. but the doctors said our only option was to surgically remove the bullaes by an open thoracotomy (cutting into his chest), which would leave him with a 6-7 inch wound and a lot of recovery.

after a lot of consideration, we decided to opt against the surgery. that means he has been discharged, but the issue is far from being “solved”. this options means Yoong is currently living with half of a functional right lung and about 30% of his left. the rest of the space is occupied by these super annoyingly invasive “bubbles”.

we believe, that we should believe in the body’s ability to heal from all sorts of damage. especially because the lung has been known to re-grow to an extent. we are hoping to deal with this naturally by making lifestyle & diet changes, as well as look for psychological factors (the ayurvedic way) and if things don’t go as planned, then well, that’s what life has in store for him & us. everything will happen the way it’s meant to.

it is a complete trust in fate and a whole lot of faith but we feel most confident and comfortable with this decision – no matter what the outcome is.

this is another challenge life is throwing at us. two people who have chosen to live a life as naturally as we can. to take the road less traveled and believe that everything happens for a reason. even when what’s happening appears to be hell.

i am so proud of my husband for being the man he is. for being strong and willing to push through his fears and continue to live without giving into them. making a conscious choice to live not for our human selves but for our souls is an incredibly risky move. how can we be certain we’re making the “right” choice? how can we be certain things will go well? we very simply can’t. and we know the risks we are taking.

but ultimately, it is a decision to keep acting out of love instead of fear. even if it takes us down a path of darkness and uncertainty. everything truly does happen for a reason. the more we face ourselves and rise to the challenge, the more growth we are able to experience on so many levels. if we can’t trust life and its pains, then we simply will not get to benefit from the lessons we are meant to learn in this lifetime.

we choose to trust.
we choose love.

7pm

it was drizzling gently as the sun began to set while i hurriedly tried to make sure all the grass was cut before my having to pick my dad up later in the evening. fingers crossed that maybe he’d be a little impressed, or at the very least not disappointed in my housekeeping skills. lol. yoong and i spent a whole chunk of the day out – grocery shopping and picking up essentials. i also decided i wanted to make some naan with chicken makhani – a good hour plus to prepare. by the time i was done, i realised i hadn’t left myself with much time to get the grass cut. we have a little trimmer which gets the job done. a good investment for the price we paid – which actually wasn’t very much at all – which unfortunately also means it doesn’t cut very fast. then out of nowhere, this grass cutting guy pulls over on his bike outside our house, waltzes right in without asking or checking with us and insists very stubbornly on cutting our grass. usually when people do stuff like that, they do it part expecting some form of payment but he kept telling us he’d do it for free. and then he did. what a pleasant surprise.

as if the day hadn’t been perfect enough. the universe sends us a synchronicity to perhaps reward us for getting back on track with life and deciding to be that much more hardworking and responsible. we’ve slacked the past week or two because everything was hanging, uncertain if we’d leave to move or stay. but recent events made it very clear (to us) that we are happy being where we are for the time being. at least a few years. so we got back to taking care of the space. we worked hard to get here. it’d be nice to enjoy being settled for a bit, really get focused and functional – then move forward.

i believe in synchronicity being (one of) the universe’s way of communicating with us. to let us know we’re on the right path. the more we encounter “magic”, the more we know we are listening to our souls and following a good path. so i’ll take today as a really really good sign that we’ve recently made some beautiful choices. i mean, it’s not everyday that someone walks into your space and insists on doing something for you, for free, for no reason other than him wanting to do something nice.

happy

yesterday, after a good session of yoga, i had one of the best days of my life. it blew my mind how much it was blowing my mind that the life we have and are achieving is exactly what’s grooming us to be the people we truly want to be. that we have steadily weeded out the negatives and unnecessary to the point of it being so clear and peaceful, i don’t know what to do with that peace sometimes. it was beautiful yet somewhat scary because not every day is that great and the part of me that wanted to hold on to how amazing everything felt, didn’t want the day to end. but i knew that can’t ever be the solution, to not fall asleep to prolong a day that will end anyways – whether you want it to or not.

so this morning before i got out of bed, i made the decision on my inside, that i wanted to get out of bed happy. that i wanted to greet the morning with love and excitement. that i didn’t need a reason to feel all of that except for the reason of living life itself. and then i did. and the fear of yesterday’s happiness not being a part of today became irrational because i realised that today is a choice. today is always a choice. and my life = my choice.10509665_10152319719367909_5713736109157314833_ninstead of allowing myself to wake up with concerns about things that need to get done and the people around me, i’m going to just wake up happy. happy to face life with all of it’s ups and downs. happy for everything i have and don’t have. happy to just be alive, because how truly amazing is it that we are here. alive. getting to appreciate the wonders of the world we have been born into and help create with time.

yesterday we pulled over to collect parts of a tree that dried out and was chopped down. we’re collecting all kinds of materials to use in our garden and home. as i sat in the car driving part of the tree trunk back home, from the happy space i was so clearly in, i was almost brought to tears knowing how lucky we are to be able to work with something that nature’s nurtured and provided for us. how lucky to be a part of this world. to exist – something even science cannot explain with absolute certainty.

i choose to trust the unknown. i choose to live in magic. this is a me that was lost for a while, taken down by “the world”…the child that exists in each and every one of us. i choose to let that child roam this world freely and innocently, enchanted by every bit of life. it’s a continuous journey to somewhere i don’t yet know, but it’s okay. i don’t have to know. i can just choose to believe.

thrive.

i used to be such an angry person. angry at the world for being so ugly. angry at life for everything it put me through. angry at the people around me who didn’t understand what was happening. angry at the people who caused me all that pain and grief.

you see, i have experienced just about everything any parent wouldn’t want their child to. abuse. divorce. running away. partying. drugs. sex. cutting. poverty. stealing. i’ve been cheated on. lied to. abandoned. “dumped”. attacked. threatened. ignored.

left feeling completely and utterly invisible on countless occasions.

it is so hard to not play the victim. to not feel victimized by people’s actions and choices. i blamed everyone for doing to me what i didn’t ask for. but the thing is, maybe i did – ask for it. maybe i made the choice to break expectations, challenge the norm and disappoint everyone along the way. i didn’t know what i was searching for but i was very obviously searching. i chose to let myself hurt, i went looking for pain. i didn’t in any moment of those many long years think that i was walking down a safe path but i sure as hell knew i had a destination to reach.

i allowed myself to go through hell and back because i was looking for my strength. it wasn’t something someone could just hand over to me. haha. if only it were that easy. and it’s not something a person gains by staying on the safer path. i got banged up and scratched pretty bad, hit my rock bottom, then taught myself to heal.

and then i forgave. i forgave everyone that ever did anything “wrong” to me because there was nothing to forgive in the first place. i let go of all the anger. all the pain. all the opportunities missed and time lost. i can never forget, but what i remember of my past now feels like a story. how is it possible that i was really there in all of those places and not feel that pain anymore? how is it that i no longer understand the anger i felt towards others …because all i am now is entertained and thankful.

everything i’ve been through has taught me that we are responsible of the things that “happen” to us. who we choose to be and how we choose to react determines the lens through which we perceive an experience. when we complain and say that we are miserable and don’t have a choice, we are lying. because there always is a choice. and even when it’s unexpected, we shouldn’t look at it as something that’s being done to us because every error is just a chance for us to grow. and what’s so scary about pain when we know that time (and self love) heals all wounds. everyone can heal, why should people still choose to hold on to anger and hatred? choose to feel wronged, betrayed. victimized. there really is no point in holding on to a grudge any longer than you have to, is there?

maybe someday i’d be able to stand still as people do what they do and not even let it get to me one bit. but i’m being real here, not just trying to paint a pretty picture. i have grown a whole lot but i am just not there yet.

i understand that parents worry constantly about their children and what bad influences the world will have on them. but maybe they/we shouldn’t worry so much. i mean, look at me. i was thrown out into the world to fend for myself, did everything that would give a parent multiple heart attacks. and i did not only survive, i am thriving.

you know …sometimes, people with the worst pasts end up creating the best futures :)

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