Category Archives: A STORY OF LOVE

pot of gold

it’s so much less likely for me to make time to write down the happy things nowadays. that’s because the reality of full time parenting means little to zero time to myself. even when i’m struggling and my thoughts won’t let go of me, i have to make do with an hour in the morning before bambina wakes up. happier times are obviously just spent as a family, in the present. which is why my writing has been erratic and unrefined. it has mutated from something i put a lot of thought into and proofread and correct into just an expression of the thoughts that run through my mind on the spot. but sometimes that’s good. because getting to feel and see my thoughts as the whole truth and nothing but the truth reflects back to me where my mind really is/goes. the pain/fear, the absurdities, my loops. there is no more pretending. and that’s the thing i find with parenting.

there is no longer any space left to pretend. it’s so very real. and the stress of not having any break to put things aside to deal with later can really get to a person. and get in the way of partnership. because the reality is when one has an ounce of personal space, the other is holding the fort down. and vice versa. doing something nice has gone from spending time together to tagging in so the other can tag out. which is an incredible adjustment from being single together. where there was once time for self and then the relationship. of course ideally, the child would be sent off to be taken care of for the day or weekend or to daycare/school for selfish reasons. and i don’t mean selfish in a bad way. everyone needs to selfishly look out for themselves sometimes. but ideal is not always reality. and reality isn’t always ideal.

the beauty is though, that as we journey on and begin to acknowledge the stresses, hardships and sacrifices we individually make/tolerate for each other and the family at large, it begins to feel very much more like teamwork. and in the most clearest of spaces, it feels as though we are one. and the oneness can’t be taken away, even when we are functioning separately. it sounds so obvious, like obviously both partners give their all because of love or the commitment that matter enough to make all these sacrifices. but it is incredibly easy to take things for granted, and not be grateful for all things large and small that we do for each other.

…and here comes bambina…

the truth is, selfishly, i have my expectations of what love should be. and what a relationship should feel like. but life gives you what you need to experience to grow into a better self. not what you want to feed your ego self. every step is an opportunity to go beyond expectation and preconceived notions of what love is into a space of true understanding of love.

and the truth is, as a couple, we are breaking through to that space. sometimes we get stuck and it feels as though i’m banging into a wall, which is what brings me here to sort out my thoughts. but then sometimes we find a way to take that wall down and it feels like a different, much better space than before.

recently, it feels as though we have truly broken through to a space of empowerment and love. the changes on both sides that have set in are monumental. and we have been able to deal with situations in a much more accepting and positive way. it feels “normal”, or more accurately wholesome, which we all know is not actually the norm. so really, it takes a great incredible amount of healing and unlearning to be wholesome. and boy, did it. but with every step we take in the right direction, it shows me that this is all i need. and all i ever asked for. and i am grateful. so today, i’ve made the time to write out some of the happy as well. i’d love to express so much more, but bambina being awake means a chatty toddler in my face and no personal space to form coherent thoughts so off i go.

happy anniversary my love.

4 years ago we took that great big leap and decided to move in together after one month of seeing each other while the whole world was angry and tried to keep us apart. good times.

not everyone could see what we already knew. you and i are one. our soul paths were meant to intertwine for us to help each other become our whole selves through the process of creating the life we both yearned for so much.

our path is still long and very much unknown, but i trust we will continue flowing with the universe towards everything we know is possible. i trust the journey will bring us home.

look how far we’ve come since that miserable room in kota.

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i am so proud of us. thank you for being willing to take on every challenge this life incurs, however challenging it may be sometimes.

i love you. i will be right by your side always.

pop!

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today marks 3 years since we moved into that really shitty room in kota.

we’d only technically been seeing each other for about a month when we found ourselves having to do what neither of us had done before. choose to rent a place and live together right off the back. things were messy and we didn’t have support or friends to help us but we didn’t feel we had a choice because walking away was just not an option. love had already happened. it was too late to change our minds.

3 years and i find myself more in love with my (now) husband than ever before. i did tell him at the start that i figure it’d probably take about 3 years for us to work through our differences and get to this point. that’s pretty excellent foresight!

i really wanted to make note of this “anniversary” because of how much love i feel for us and life right now. to have it here as a reminder if i ever looked back in the future. but the reality is that my limited vocabulary and untrained writing skills very simply can’t seem to put into words – the depth of (pregnant) emotions i have been experiencing.

what a bummer.

because i’ve really been full with so much love and happiness i’m surprised i haven’t popped like a balloon yet!

a place called home

1989 kpg gajah homethis is the home i grew up in.

the only place that felt like home for a really long time even after we said our final goodbyes.

all my memories of childhood remain in that square terrace unit we rented at rm350 for almost 20 years.

i lived in all 4 rooms upstairs over time. each change of scenery for very different reasons. i helped paint the hall, put granite into the pavement and tiles on the floor.

i’m a sentimental fool, for the most part.
and i really love that house.

i didn’t even realise how much memory i have of home until ah ma passed away and all my dreams of her are set in that home.

DSCN1079this is home, right before we said goodbye.

i don’t remember when it was painted white. blue was a much better colour.

that is our mango tree ah ma planted back in the early 90s. come to think of it, our family occupied that house for more than 20 years. by 2013, i had already moved out but ah ma and ah kong had to shift to a new rented house in their old age when the owner decided to sell the whole row of houses and the new owners doubled the rent, then tripled it.

i shall remain bitter about that forever.

i went back to visit the house a month ago. just out of curiosity. the place is now covered by weeds and it’s clear the mango tree left with us. all that’s left is a huge bark and bald branches.

i dug through the jungle of weed and got to the windows in front. i know how to get them to open from the outside even if it’s latched on the inside. doing that reminded me of the many times i did in the past, to call out to ah ma so she could open the doors for me when i forgot my keys.

the inside was naked, except for my old piano sitting still in the middle of the hall. it still felt like home.

i thought seeing the place completely abandoned would have saddened me more, but i actually rather like how nature has taken over. better nature than people.

 

 

 

i have a new home now.
and a new family.

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oh, the memories we’ll create.

here comes the sun

Untitled-1i’m finally expecting again. because of the miscarriage the last time around, i was a little scared and very careful about getting too excited about this pregnancy. did not want to get my hopes up too high just in case something went wrong. but last week we saw a heartbeat and the doctor confirmed everything pointed towards a normal pregnancy. i can’t say the fear has completely disappeared, but the joy and excitement is definitely taking over.

it hasn’t been easy, having no choice but to be patient and wait to conceive again – especially when i’ve felt for years like i’ve wanted to step into this new phase of life. on the inside it feels like there’s this rush. that i can’t wait so long because i’ve always wanted more than one child (to say the least) and i never wanted to be 30 and pregnant. acceptance comes from knowing that in the time i spent waiting to start this chapter, i’ve learnt so much more than i could have a few years ago which better enables me to provide for my child the way i’ve always wanted to.

also this time, my husband’s prepared for it and actually excited instead of panicky and worried. i would say that the one year since we found out we were pregnant the last time has given him space to “see the light”. i could not and would not want to do this alone without him being on board fully. coming from a broken family, i feel the absolute need to provide my child/children with a stable and loving environment. there is only so much material possession and financial support we can offer them, living this simple life. but love and support is not something anyone has to purchase.

i’m really looking forward to growing as a family. i believe in the past 10 years, i’ve done all i’ve needed to do and explored as much as i could. the quest was never actually for freedom, but to find a place to call home. i always loved being at home in my own little bubble and that’s never changed. who would have known that the journey would bring me back to lil’ old taiping, the place i was born in? seems like life’s come one full circle and there couldn’t be a better time or place to start our family.

the past 10 weeks have been bearable. i spent half the time feeling really really great and the other half feeling very meh. i haven’t thrown up but that could be out of pure determination because i have had issues with morning sickness (which everyone should know happens anytime throughout the day). my love hate relationship with food is constantly evolving, leaving me with not much to look forward to in terms of food. my nose is in hyper-drive and everything smells overwhelming so i’ve been sticking to fruits, vegetable shakes and light food for the most part.

i’ve found it helpful to distract myself with preparation and research for our much awaited bundle of joy. trying to be as efficient as i can be with spending and not waste money on the ton of unnecessary baby stuff there is out there. so much information to learn from and sift through.

also, staring at the computer screen and using the scroller on the mouse makes me feel nauseous, so that’s it for updates until i’m out of this stage of pregnancy.

i tell yoong we’re only going to have one child because pregnancy is no walk in the park but i know everything passes and all will be forgotten the moment we have a baby in our arms. i predict that we will be going through this all over again.