Category Archives: A STORY OF LOVE

countdown t-7days

our wedding dinner is fast approaching. my husband’s parents have decided to not join us in celebrating. but his brother went against (parental) expectation and confirmed his attendance. we are very grateful for the people who will be there. not so bothered by those who don’t want to – however strange their choice may seem to us. 14 tables is quite a large crowd anyways.

we are excited and a little nervous at the idea of giving a little speech and dancing after dinner. neither one of us strives to be in the spotlight and this will definitely be an experience to remember. i am making a mental note to fully enjoy and absorb all that happens throughout the evening.

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er

sometimes it’s really scary, being with a partner who has a life threatening condition at such a young age. one that’s got all doctors worried, and no one’s been able to tell us what exactly’s caused the problem so far. it just is what it is. and that’s terrifying. i try to live day to day not worrying. but sometimes (like days his chest is tight), it’s really impossible to not think about the what ifs. i didn’t think i’d ever be in such a situation. this really heavy stuff has no place in my little fairy tale fantasy. it’s really hard to get past this phase of hoping and believing in the best, yet worrying the odds may not actually be in your favour.

wedding bells

planning out our wedding celebration has been a real experience for me. if you asked me at any other point in my life how i’d imagine this event would go, i bet you the ideas forming in my mind would have been anything but this. choosing to be with and marry someone whose family is not (and has never been) supportive of our choices is a real challenge. the chinese culture is extremely heavy on respect and being dutiful to one’s family. anything short of obediently fulfilling one’s responsibility and meeting parent’s expectations is a crime punishable by shaming and an endless array of disappointment.

i’m sure not all chinese families are that way. my mother is chinese and i was not raised to believe i have no choice or say in any matter. but then again, she’s not culturally very chinese at all and neither are/were my grandparents. so i really can’t speak for what the norm is. it could be a belief system that is still a building block of the culture. or it could be a dying practice. in all honesty, i’ve never had too many chinese friends – being mix and culturally more westernized meant i hardly fit in with either race.

i have however for the past 3 years – had the pleasure (or lack thereof) of having chinese in-laws. i always imagined my wedding to be an occasion to celebrate. isn’t the idea that this would be my one day to be queen? i thought i’d have my mum here and in best case scenarios my mother-in-law, fussing over the planning and what everyone would wear. i thought i’d be really happy, seeing two families get to know each other and become one.

the truth is, it’s been an extremely dreadful and draggy union. if i didn’t choose at all times to keep my head focused on love and clear from negativity, i wouldn’t make it to the finish line.

i believe my parents-in-law would like us to wait to be stable before having a wedding. or get married for that matter. i believe their son being 30 is more appropriate and acceptable. it is unfathomable, why he would want to be married at 26. although being 30 wouldn’t even make a difference because first they’d have to accept that he is marrying me. which they don’t. they think he’s crazy. they say we’re disrespectful. they act like having to invite people to the dinner is such a shameful thing. where on earth would they hide their face?

this upsets me. as much as i hold on strong to our love and know that the only people who have a say in this relationship are the actual people in the relationship, it really pokes at my emotions and sanity. i understand us living life differently is hard for them to accept. but to be almost completely ashamed at something as simple and pure as a wedding?

it turns our beautiful occasion into a messy negotiation and takes away my one day.
it’s a good thing i’ve grown to accept what i cannot change in life so at least i’m not under any delusion thinking they would show up smiling and make me feel loved. we will do this and get it over with and enjoy what we can.

love is far from a fairy tale fantasy. or maybe that’s exactly what fairy tales are about – a challenge to fight for the love that really matters. this relationship is and always will be hard work. but i have never doubted my choice and my partner has never made me feel like he doubts his. in this moment, i do fully believe that us is worth all the effort we’re putting in.

it is times like this that i really stop to appreciate how loving and beautiful a family i have. immediate and extended. things may not be perfect, but i have grown up with an incredible amount of love in my life. in the darkest of days, love always shines through. because of that, i am now able to give my partner the one thing he has been lacking in his life. to share all the warmth and happiness i have in my space and fill his life with purpose, gratitude and love.

the epic journey

sep12

i call our journey to arture.

oct12

i’ve decided to recap the past 2 and a half years instead of just 2014 because i’ve missed writing this post twice. i’m a huge fan of journaling and sometimes get upset when i realise that i’ve let so much time (and everything important that happened) pass without documenting how i felt or what it meant to me. there is just too much that happens over time for me to hold on to in my mind. ending the year should mean clearing up some space in my mental hard disk for new things to come and pouring it out here in case i ever want to look back.

dec12

a lot of things have changed in these 30 months. a lot around me, but so much more inside of me. i barely recognise the me i was before embarking on the most epic part of my journey so far. and that says a lot, since my life’s never lacked adventure to begin with.

xx1

the thing is, i never really felt comfortable discussing what sparked my transformation and occupied a large part of this chapter as it is taboo (just like most other things i do) which really kept me from being open and honest about a lot of what went on in my mind.

mar13b

how does one come right out and say “i dropped some acid and it changed my life” without being judged first. without having to fear possible repercussions. without causing worry to all those who care. because that’s exactly what i experienced.

mar13

(what feels like) a long time ago, i dropped some acid, and it set me on a path that’s allowed me to question everything i ever thought i knew about life, being and myself. and that allowed me to truly dig within, to reevaluate the things i’ve always known deep down and finally begin to face myself. that’s pretty much what psychedelics do.

cats1

since then, i have taken psychedelics a number of times. i didn’t overuse (mostly once every few months), i do not take non-psychedelic substances like the harder drugs that are truly harmful, and i have never been addicted to anything in my life (except maybe sugar, which thanks to this chapter, i have managed to get well under control). if you asked me, i do not feel like one could ever get addicted to psychedelics. especially when taken responsibly.

rainbowed

i definitely do attribute sudden changes i’ve made and a whole lot of growth to a handful of psychedelic experiences i have had and the space i have with my partner (whom i married along the way) that has allowed me to explore what everything meant.

may13

i have chosen to be honest here about the one thing i’ve never spoken of publicly because it feels somewhat suffocating to not be able to document my journey transparently. i have always been transparent, despite what anyone may think of my choices. and now when i’ve made such a change that the people around me feel i’m a different person – why be silent when they wonder what caused this?

why be silent about such a beautiful truth?

xx2

this journey has skyrocketed my transformation as a human being. it helped me mend a somewhat broken relationship with my father to a point where all i feel is love when i think of him now. and all that there is, is love. like nothing had ever been broken. it has allowed me a level of acceptance so tremendous, that i have been able to be by my mother’s side as a daughter when she’s needed comforting but more importantly as a friend to give her space to express the full extent of her thoughts and experiences without judgement. it’s been a tough year for her.

poi

i have forgiven people from my past and allowed negative emotions associated with them to slowly flow out – some of which i’ve held on to for almost a decade. chosen to deal with new situations that really upset me (and whoever was involved) in a way where we could still progress towards healing. found strength to be less selfish, more generous, to keep giving even when i don’t get in return.

jun13

i dealt with bad thought patterns in my mind that caused me in the past to be possessive, abusive, condescending, jealous, hateful, resentful, obsessive and the list goes on. i used to think that it’s perfectly fine to believe that “this is me. all that i am, is who i am. nothing needs to change”. but i have discovered how untrue and unfair to self that belief is. people are capable of change. i was capable of change deeper than i could have imagined.

aug13b

i have been freeing myself from old me. from personality traits and emotional habits i picked up from a lifetime of experiences. mechanisms set in to deal with loss and pain. self protection born out of fear of emotions i did not want to have to deal with again. but it was destroying me and all the relationships i tried to build.

aug13

i think on some level i always knew my relationships failing were a result of my questionable mental state and the choices i made with people from that space. i simply was not able to see what was good for myself in terms of friends and partners because i wasn’t in any way thinking of protecting my life from negative inputs and influences.

oct13

once i realised how much i had abandoned myself and found the courage to start reclaiming sanity that had been lost, i believe i finally made the right choice. i chose a partner who also had healing in his heart and together we set off on a journey of self discovery and cleansing (that we are still on) which has allowed us to tackle some of the hardest steps of life people go through, together. it has been no easy task – taking both individuals into consideration while functioning as one.

but i’m sure i speak for the both of us when i say it has been a truly amazing journey.

nov13yoga

together we have worked on creating a healthier lifestyle. mind, body & soul. we have worked towards cultivating some good habits and removing old ones that weren’t great. and as a coup de grâce before ending this chapter, we recently came face to face with an issue impossible to ignore which further strengthens our desire to take the next step with health in mind. we have through all of that discovered the full extent of our growth in truly being willing to trust life and all it has in store for us.

deca13

apparently we’re not afraid to continuously step into the dark, as long as we have each other for moral support and strength.

dec13

was his journey sparked by psychedelics too? yes. we may have continued down the path of exploring together, but we began the journeys on our own. in some ways it feels like we were brought together by psychedelics as we chose each other for no other reason than the potential of the relationship truly setting us free and healing us along the road less traveled.

cats2

we recognise that psychedelics exist for a reason. perhaps it’s nature’s way of sharing knowledge to help us see. these aren’t chemicals created in a lab for a person to get high on. these are compounds produced by living organisms found in nature created by the very force that created us. and once we have found the answers we seek, we thank nature for all that it has given us , stop and work on becoming what we discovered.

feb14

i can’t say all those who experiment do it with a spiritual purpose, but the people i have met along this journey have been some of the most loving, giving, accepting people i have had the pleasure of crossing paths with.

dec12

it’s a funny society we live in, isn’t it? when i was experimenting, people who did not understand the psychedelic experience felt the need to express their fear that i may be putting myself in danger or choosing to be irresponsible. so much judgement over something one has yet to experience.

jan14

why judge those whom as a result choose to live a clean non-materialistic life where pleasure is found in being mindful, healthy, soulful, spiritual. being awake is no easy feat but (to us) it sure is better than what greets us on the other side.

mar14

walking this path has allowed me to grow towards accepting life better for all it’s joys and challenges. everything used to feel so out of control. so unfair. so incredibly upsetting. it used to be such a weight to my psyche but now that emotion has changed to an understanding that everything plays out the way it is meant to. and that there needs to be an absolute trust in one’s journey.

may14

i think names and terms aside, religion is one with spirituality. i used to hate religion and believe i was an atheist. because i didn’t believe in a god. the concept of a god that was looking out after you and dictating the course of your life never made sense. but i do believe in a creator now. in a being that is love that we all came from and that life while seeming to be purposeless, serves the greatest purpose of all – LOVE.

may1414

i am so much more at peace with myself and everything around me now. if i could go back to before this journey began, i’d tell me to not do anything different. we’d be so proud of where i am now. where we are.

july14

so why allow psychedelics to be this hush hush thing that i “experimented” with but do not speak about openly? i love that we have had the fortune of taking the road less traveled. i love that it was this road. i love how much love we have experienced. how simple things are. how alive we feel.

sep14

i can’t tell others to take this path. i no longer want to guide or educate. but i certainly would be standing here with my arms wide open if someone decided to start seeking.

oct13b

i have danced as the shadow of sound. lived many lives with many ends. traveled backward and forward in time. flown through space. jumped through dimensions. conversed as my consciousness with the essence of life.

Untitled-1

this chapter was for trial and errors. for discovering and learning. we succeeded in using it to our full advantage. we didn’t hold back and neither did life. we have been given opportunities and support to venture into the unknown like i’ve never experienced before. the new chapter – what our hearts ache for – what we call arture, it is us taking a first step already knowing. now it’s time to put everything into practice.

nov14

when i look back now, i see that it’s been a beautiful 30 months.
i have gained some…

nov14b

and lost some…

ah ma

and grown oh-so-much.

aa

and while this post is full of pictures, what’s mattered more is what simply could not be captured by a camera.

i am always entertained by how my dreads seem to be a perfect outer manifestation of my inner world. what i see at any point in time will always be this beautiful more mature version of something that was not quite right yet – but is still on a never ending journey to becoming whole.

Untitled-1
how lucky i am to get to share this with someone who understands it all and more.

us

how lucky we are to be alive.

spontaneous pneumothorax

Yoong is back from the hospital. they discharged him yesterday.

for those who are curious, he had a spontaneous pneumothorax (collapse of a lung) brought on by dengue virus with an underlying bullae issue. which are these benign bubble like growths that put pressure on the lungs.

they put a tube into the right side of his chest to remove the air that had leaked out, for his lung to re-expand. but the doctors said our only option was to surgically remove the bullaes by an open thoracotomy (cutting into his chest), which would leave him with a 6-7 inch wound and a lot of recovery.

after a lot of consideration, we decided to opt against the surgery. that means he has been discharged, but the issue is far from being “solved”. this options means Yoong is currently living with half of a functional right lung and about 30% of his left. the rest of the space is occupied by these super annoyingly invasive “bubbles”.

we believe, that we should believe in the body’s ability to heal from all sorts of damage. especially because the lung has been known to re-grow to an extent. we are hoping to deal with this naturally by making lifestyle & diet changes, as well as look for psychological factors (the ayurvedic way) and if things don’t go as planned, then well, that’s what life has in store for him & us. everything will happen the way it’s meant to.

it is a complete trust in fate and a whole lot of faith but we feel most confident and comfortable with this decision – no matter what the outcome is.

this is another challenge life is throwing at us. two people who have chosen to live a life as naturally as we can. to take the road less traveled and believe that everything happens for a reason. even when what’s happening appears to be hell.

i am so proud of my husband for being the man he is. for being strong and willing to push through his fears and continue to live without giving into them. making a conscious choice to live not for our human selves but for our souls is an incredibly risky move. how can we be certain we’re making the “right” choice? how can we be certain things will go well? we very simply can’t. and we know the risks we are taking.

but ultimately, it is a decision to keep acting out of love instead of fear. even if it takes us down a path of darkness and uncertainty. everything truly does happen for a reason. the more we face ourselves and rise to the challenge, the more growth we are able to experience on so many levels. if we can’t trust life and its pains, then we simply will not get to benefit from the lessons we are meant to learn in this lifetime.

we choose to trust.
we choose love.

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