Category Archives: emo

Not enough?

I love you both and accept you both for whatever it is that has happened since the divorce. I don’t make you feel bad for not taking care of me. I don’t make you feel bad for not being there emotionally, financially or physically. I don’t make you feel bad for finding new partners and moving on with life. In fact, I let you know that I accept your new partners and I’m happy that you’re happy.
But I will not make an extra effort to be nice to your new partners because it is not my choice that they are in your lives.

Dad, you can’t expect me to sit at a mother’s day dinner with your girlfriend when you ban me from visiting mum coz you aren’t okay with her husband. And mum, you cannot be okay with me telling you that I don’t like being around dad’s girlfriend and then expect me to go out of my way and have conversations with your husband. I am normal around them, and I respond if I am talked to. But that’s all. It is NOT fair for either of you to expect anything more from me when it comes to that.

I get that you think maybe I should put in an effort. But why the hell should I when you both stopped putting in an effort a long time ago?
I don’t have parents to talk to anymore. Dad, you hate me coz you think I took mum’s side when you guys got divorced. And mum, you left the country because you needed to move on with life. What does that leave me with? A father who’s physically around but doesn’t actually care about me and a mother who cares, but isn’t ever physically around. Thank you very much. That’s how I always imagined my life would turn out to be. That’s my big fairy tale ending at the end of the story.

I still tell the both of you that I love you, all the time. That I understand that the divorce had to happen. And I know life’s just not fair that way sometimes. Why then can’t you both just be content with that and stop expecting for more? I’m already adapting to it as best as I can.

In the normal world, you guys would have to deal with who I date/marry. Every parent has to. It’s not supposed to be the other way around. I’M DOING MY BEST HERE! I don’t know how to put in more effort into making your spouse/partner feel like I accept them. Coz honestly, I don’t want to care about them. I barely have it in me to care about the people in my own life right now.

But I care about the both of you. I always have. I’ll only ever have one mother and one father. No matter what happens, or how crappy our family has turned out to be, I still love you. Isn’t that enough right now?

Tick Tock

My grandparents are getting old. And it scares the crap outta me.
The thing about my grandparents is that they’ve been a constant part of my life from the day I was born. They’ve always stayed with us. Since my parents got divorced, I’ve spent less time around my dad because I don’t stay with him when I’m back. And my mum moved away 4 years ago. But my grandparents were always around every time I came back home to Penang. In fact, my grandmother’s about the only reason I make sure I visit often enough. My grandfather doesn’t really communicate much. He’s more of a quiet person. He’s even been jokingly referred to as “that stranger in your house” because sometimes you really don’t even notice he’s sitting in his chair.
Years have gone by and they’re both quite sick now. I know it’s a normal old people thing, but I feel horrible thinking about them being alone at home. Silly uncle lives about an hour away from here and doesn’t even know how to visit his own parents. I sometimes wish I didn’t need to live my own life so I could be at home all the time. But I know that I purposely detach myself from them because if I don’t do that now, I don’t think I’d be able to deal with it when that day comes.
Every time I leave the house and say goodbye to my grandmother, I worry if it’ll be the last. When I head to KL for weeks, I feel even worse. What if something happens and I can’t get back home on time. Now the thought of being away for 2 months almost brings tears to my eyes.
Alright, I lied. It totally brought tears to my eyes.
Losing them is one thing. But what if I don’t even get to say goodbye? Blogging about this or even having such thoughts is a scary thing. I’ve actually been holding on to a piece of wood since just now. Yes, I believe in that whole “touch wood” superstition.
Someday, I’m gonna look at my phone and not see missed calls from my grandmother. No one’s going to check on me to see if I’ve had breakfast/lunch/dinner/supper. No one’s going to ask when I’m going to be visiting home next. Or what time I’m going to be back.
Yes, I’m completely crying my eyes out now. That’s enough for awhile. I’ll think of “someday”, some other day.
Til then, I’m allowed to believe that my grandparents are immortal, no? I’ve never ever had to deal with the loss of someone I’m close to. Death just isn’t something that’s real to me. It’s like, it doesn’t register in my head at all. Maybe that’s why it scares me so much more.
I love you ah ma

this too shall pass

She had managed to not let it affect her too much by keeping herself distracted but as she sat in the car knowing she was on the way home again, she began to panic. So much had changed since her last visit. She had spent the past month readjusting to new people being in her life and getting used to the idea of saying goodbye to others. It hadn’t been easy. She was fond of having a routine. But after a while of struggling, she was beginning to get accustomed to the way things were. She wondered what her days would be like the coming few weeks without the same people being around. She worried that she hadn’t been around long enough to make her mark, and that she would be forgotten and erased. Friends drift apart, and that’s something she was unfortunately aware of. But the moment she entered her room, she knew she was home and all her anxiety disappeared. She was calm. Happy. She knew that no matter what else happened in her life, she had a place to call home, and people who loved her. The rest of the world could come and go. And it probably would. But home was always going to be there.

Breaking Up

I’ve been single for about a month now (yes, that’s the first time I’m actually stating it here) and it’s been such a weird experience. For the most part, I got used to the routine of a life I was living. Wake up, go over to boyfriend’s place, go out with boyfriend and friends, head over to best friend’s house, hang out with best friend and friends, go back and sleep. And then I wake up to the same thing again.
So what happens when all of a sudden the boyfriend part is removed? Everything stops functioning the same way and I’m left trying to piece the pieces together again. Friendships change and I don’t get to hang out with quite a lot of people I would have been hanging out with. His friends go back to being his friends, and I’m forgotten. And what about my friends? Honestly, when you move because of a relationship, you kinda leave your friends behind. Along with everything else that feels like home. It’s not the smartest thing to do. But life’s about making choices.
As much as many people would like to point out how stupid I was to do what I did, it was either stay home and drop the relationship. Or hold on to the relationship and move here. And sadly, I am relationship orientated. It is something I have known for the longest time. I don’t judge you for your choices. You shouldn’t be judging me for mine. At the end of the day I’m the one left dealing with the consequences anyways.
I apologize for the emo rant (or lack of sense in this post). I’ve tried so hard to not show how affected I am by this break up. Coz really, it wasn’t a horrible one. In some ways, it’s been the best break up I’ve been through. We talked about things and agreed on it. And now we’re slowly working our way towards being just friends again. Those 3years of friendship isn’t worth throwing away over anything. And I’m not depressed or suicidal.
But I do feel lost. And I want normal back so badly. The problem is, things have changed so many times in my life that I don’t know what normal is anymore. I’m trying my best to just be alright with everything that’s going on. Dealing with the days as they go by. Not really trying to plan anything out. But how do I know what’s right or wrong right now? How am I supposed to instantly know how to deal with new people when I haven’t even figured out how I want to deal with myself? Do I listen to myself and do what I’m comfortable doing? Or listen to what other people are telling me and risk losing myself trying to please them?
I’m trying really hard right now. But there’s only so much I can take before I’m gonna feel like breaking.
Where have all my real friends gone? Seems like everyone’s so caught up in their own drama that no one’s stopped to ask me how I’ve been dealing with things. I’m not distancing myself away from anyone on purpose. Maybe I just need y’all to do the reaching out for once.

I Wonder if You Know

I wonder if you know that I still love you. If you will ever understand how different life is without you. Sometimes I wish I never knew you. But more often I just want to not be here anymore. It’s so hard to keep fighting, when there is nothing left to fight for.
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Bullshit. If I had never loved you, I wouldn’t still be feeling this pain.
I just want it all to go away. For a long time, not talking about you made things okay, but I’m hurting now. No wonder I never really stayed single. This heartache is way worse than getting dumped by just some guy. I’d give anything to forget you. To be able to really be in love with someone new. I really don’t want these memories anymore.