Category Archives: FOOD FOR THOUGHT

making peace

the time has finally come – for you to face that big one. that major relationship that left an impact so devastating you thought it could never be sent to the folder where past experiences you’ve sorted through and moved on from reside.

you went to poke the beast. you always do. always in hope that the in between was enough time for the beast to transform into something else. something able to look you in the eyes and rise above together. because sometimes you are that beast. and all you need is time and bit of understanding to be ready to heal. some people say don’t bother. but that’s not who you are. you always try. it isn’t always the smartest thing, but you choose to anyways. until the chapter is over.

what transpired took you by surprise. because you thought you had an idea of how things might go either way. but once again, you overlooked all of reality to exist in your fantasy world where everyone wants to make peace. boy were you wrong. goddamn were you wrong.

it genuinely shocks you. you don’t know why. it really shouldn’t. but you really did not expect such a reaction. it sucks. you’d like for it not to, but it does. it’s sad that some things private and personal that you were or had divulged in a space you once considered safe could be used in such a way, twisted beyond recognition. violated. soiled. but you know the truth. and no one can take the truth away from you. 

it makes you think of the past and your journey. of all the years spent wandering about hurt, trying to find love. of all the loneliness. that dark cold loneliness you couldn’t run from no matter how much you tried. always right behind you. lurking in the silent corners of your mind.

you remember the family you once had. a lifetime ago (or so it seems), when you were safe and cherished and things were simple. you feel the inner panic of gradually losing that stable ground. the chaos that ensued as you tried to survive and the constant anxiety of having to – that only made you more needy and codependent.

it makes you think of all the people that crossed your path. those who were good for you. those that were bad. the handful you needed and hurt in the effort of finding your lost self. the stupid choices you made because you were so adamant on not giving a fuck that you chose not to even when you should have. even when you knew as sure as the sun is bright that you were walking into disaster.

you mentally hug your past self. you know how much she needs that compassion and strength with all the pain there was and all the pain to come. you feel melancholic, but more intensely at peace. because you know everything that’s happened has gotten you here. and even though you didn’t get here unscratched, you are so happy here. so very incredibly happy.

only you and you alone know how much effort it’s taken to free yourself from past trauma. to look yourself in the soul and come to terms with the choices you made and the things that happened for you.

and you know now – everything that happens, happens for you and not to you. never to you. and this just so happened to be the journey you needed to take towards self discovery, self worth and self love. because only through learning to love yourself could you then begin to love others the way you’ve always wanted to, with compassion and acceptance. to then create a family based on that truth, for the best odds at maintaining a loving space for your children to always count on.

to save them from what you went through.

you have always known the trigger point of everything falling apart. you set out to do different. it has always been that steady beacon of light. even when you lost your mind, you very much still had your sight. and you never gave in. you never let anything blacken your heart so much you couldn’t live with yourself. you just kept getting back up and moving forward, you warrior. you got here. you did it.

it took as much strength to power through the earlier pain as it did to be vulnerable and truthful in the healing process later on. you have by now forgiven yourself. and with this chapter coming to an end, you feel the remainder of sadness and pain of a time before start to fade as well.

so steady, as if it has been waiting to be set free. you hold on to it for just a little bit longer. a reminder of what made you YOU. a reminder that contained in that darkness was your greatest potential for light.

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let go

it never ceases to amaze me, how much we can be blind to our own actions and thought patterns. very often to the detriment of ourselves and the people around us. i spend a lot of time trying to understand things. mainly myself.

you see, i have an issue with things feeling out of control. with not being able to find or believe in a solution to what i perceive to be a problem. and when i worry about what my mind believes to be an inevitable negative outcome, i panic. i get frustrated. i get angry at the things or people who i believe to be causing these situations i can not avoid. because i believe that i am capable and willing to make the necessary changes where the other party is not. and then i push. i demand for change because i believe that only change will alter the outcome that i am so afraid of. and more often than not, that is not what the situation needs – because things spin out of control even more and everything repeats – just more intensely. that is my loop.

kindness is what any situation needs.

i have learnt that the only way to overcome myself, is to take a step back and breathe. to let go. to detach from the situation and the justification i feel towards being right or wronged. to observe myself and those around me. to understand their side. their imperfections, and mine. to accept that by letting go, the inevitable outcome i fear will indeed take place. to not fear it anymore. to know that i will get through even the roughest of patches. to know that i will be stronger for it. to remember that every experience brings with it a space for me to learn and grow. to accept that this is my journey.

to stop there and not expect the same understanding or treatment in return.

to not expect anything.

breathe.

love. surrender. give.

let go.

flow with the currents of life.

be free.

7pm

it was drizzling gently as the sun began to set while i hurriedly tried to make sure all the grass was cut before my having to pick my dad up later in the evening. fingers crossed that maybe he’d be a little impressed, or at the very least not disappointed in my housekeeping skills. lol. yoong and i spent a whole chunk of the day out – grocery shopping and picking up essentials. i also decided i wanted to make some naan with chicken makhani – a good hour plus to prepare. by the time i was done, i realised i hadn’t left myself with much time to get the grass cut. we have a little trimmer which gets the job done. a good investment for the price we paid – which actually wasn’t very much at all – which unfortunately also means it doesn’t cut very fast. then out of nowhere, this grass cutting guy pulls over on his bike outside our house, waltzes right in without asking or checking with us and insists very stubbornly on cutting our grass. usually when people do stuff like that, they do it part expecting some form of payment but he kept telling us he’d do it for free. and then he did. what a pleasant surprise.

as if the day hadn’t been perfect enough. the universe sends us a synchronicity to perhaps reward us for getting back on track with life and deciding to be that much more hardworking and responsible. we’ve slacked the past week or two because everything was hanging, uncertain if we’d leave to move or stay. but recent events made it very clear (to us) that we are happy being where we are for the time being. at least a few years. so we got back to taking care of the space. we worked hard to get here. it’d be nice to enjoy being settled for a bit, really get focused and functional – then move forward.

i believe in synchronicity being (one of) the universe’s way of communicating with us. to let us know we’re on the right path. the more we encounter “magic”, the more we know we are listening to our souls and following a good path. so i’ll take today as a really really good sign that we’ve recently made some beautiful choices. i mean, it’s not everyday that someone walks into your space and insists on doing something for you, for free, for no reason other than him wanting to do something nice.

there are so many things people don’t speak of. for fear of judgement or emotional breakdown, i’d imagine.

there are so many things i don’t speak of. that i don’t know how to speak of. that i don’t know who to speak about it to.

why don’t we just share openly? why should sharing change anything we feel about anyone we know? why should it ever be anything more than giving someone the space to set their pent up emotions free.

because the people in my past that hurt me are no less than i was – when i hurt others.

we are all, imperfect beings. we are good. and we are evil.

no one should feel victimized. no one needs to act righteous. there should be no attacking. just being.

and everyone can just be. imperfect as they are. happy as they can be.

free

is it just me? or do people seem to get more and more defeated by life as we all get older? my generation of people are now in their 20s, and finally understanding what it’s like to become part of the adult world. i have noticed so many people expressing their dissatisfaction with a dead end job, or one they don’t even enjoy doing, complaining about stress – but that’s all they do. they don’t seem to want to get out of those situations. they just put up with it, and be unsatisfied.

where was it said that we have to just get with the program and do what we are expected/told to do, to survive? did i not get a memo on that? is it naive to believe that we can do what we are passionate about in life, and still live?

it must come down to money. it always does. everyone thinking that we need money to be happy, to buy things, to go places, to enjoy life – which makes jobs our lifelines. our only means to survive, at such a young age.

no i don’t think that money has no importance in this world. i wish it didn’t, but we can’t change the situation we were born into, and it does. but i find it funny when some friends express their dissatisfaction and obvious desire to be free, then tell me that i’m lucky or they wish they could just have it easy like me. because i haven’t worked for anyone but myself in 4 years, work stress is non-existent to me but yet i seem to be able to buy things and go places.

but i don’t exactly buy things. not anything i don’t absolutely need. i survive because i live extremely thriftily. you know that new phone or cool gadget that just came out? i don’t. how about the latest brands or trends in fashion? i don’t. you’d have to tell me which make up or beauty care products are any good too, coz i definitely don’t know that either. and that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to things i don’t keep up with anymore.

i used to care so much. too much. and many years of whatever hard earned income i had went into a lifestyle that brought me no good or benefit. i spent way too much on going out, meeting people, partying, buying alcoholic beverages, having fancy meals, going on shopping sprees, holidays. but the satisfaction i got from any of that hardly lasted at all. they were temporary fixes, but never actually fixed anything. it was a lifestyle that had to be maintained at all costs, or the fun i was having would just stop. i wouldn’t be able to afford anything, and then what would i do? how would i enjoy myself? how would i be happy?

that is why i set myself free. i am lucky. lucky to have had all my fun at a very young age and learn my lesson right after, with more than enough time to make a 180 turn for the better, before my life truly began. i also earned my right to do what i enjoy doing and not be stressed out. my partner and i budget our expenses and save some for rainy days, not spending more than we should on anything that we don’t actually need while taking risks with business opportunities to find something we really love doing that will bring in a long term income so we can plan towards buying a land and being self sustainable to give our children (and parents in their old age) a healthy life closer to nature where money and stress isn’t everything anymore.

you can call me naive, but i know there is much more to life than just working a job to make a “living”. working days and hours that leave me with not enough time to spend with people i love, travel or work on skills and hobbies. money to go on pointless shopping sprees to reward myself and make up for the dissatisfaction. “stability” that enables me to get a loan to buy a house that i barely spend time in, and a car to get me to the wretched job that would be responsible of keeping me from truly living in the first place.

it’s all a big loop to me. where is the end? i see people of our elder generations – having lived their lives the way they were expected to – worrying about retirement and where they go after. worrying because whatever money they’ve made is still not enough to take care of everyone’s evergrowing needs. what’s really scary though, is that i see them unhappy. what good is monetary income and material wealth when our elder generations, 20 – 30 – 40 years ahead of us have in many ways achieved all of that, and aren’t happy yet.

we think we put up with work and all it’s torture in the now, so we can save enough – and then live the lives we wanna live. but if we don’t really think about the decisions we’re making, one thing just leads to another and before we know it, we are 70, with the best years of our health and lives behind us – then only realising there were so many things we wish we did different. it’s the someday syndrome. someday i will quit my job. someday i will spend more time with my family. someday i will travel with my friends. someday this, someday that. and then, that someday never happens.

39so to anyone with passion that i happen to cross paths with who is stuck in a situation that makes them unhappy, i try to say the same one thing. chase that passion now. follow your rainbow. even if it’s risky and isn’t what others expect of you – just do it. because we should, before more time is wasted doing what we don’t want to do. whatever age we are at now, we don’t gain any time by waiting a little longer. we shouldn’t let money be our sole guide in the now, especially if we are young! while we have the space to find what we want to do, we shouldn’t tie ourselves down to loans and job commitments. we owe it to ourselves to discover what makes us feel fulfilled, and from there – work on making a living from it. you can use your income to shop and travel all you want now, but if the reality that you go back to is something that’s not satisfactory, no amount of escapism is going to change that.

free yourself first. it takes effort and sacrifices, but the freedom is certainly well worth the trouble.