Category Archives: FOOD FOR THOUGHT

running

in all honest observation, there are so many things currently running through my mind it’s keeping me from sleep. i’m not entirely sure if it’s that part of my cycle, or that there is something larger i am running from. or trying to figure out. as it is my nature to “figure things out”, sometimes it’s incredibly impossible to ignore the processes in my mind.

tonight i’ve worked something out. that this feeling of needing or wanting “love”. or better pinpointed as affection/attraction has little to do with being dissatisfied in my marriage and more to do with my yearning to do that dance. my addiction to the high it brings. because the excitement it brings is real. and while i know that an addiction is an addiction – aren’t we all addicted? to drugs, smoking, caffeine, drinking, gaming, the internet, success, money, luxury, sex, power.

the only difference is that everything else can be done to some moderate extent while still maintaining a happy marriage. can be and actually accomplished being two very different things.

what if, i will always want that high? and the deeper question, will monogamy leave me forever yearning? not able to have it in the slightest bit, because while a part of me craves the sensation, the stronger part of me is determined to have the picture perfect marriage with a picture perfect family. to not ruin that with things like inconsistency, separation and discontentment.

is the determination to make things work a byproduct of family trauma? or is it a necessary part of making any marriage work? is forever necessary? is forever natural? what if it isn’t, to some of us at least. yes, there are people happily married til death do they part. but there are so many unhappily married people as well. would things not be better off for some if the lines of what marriage is, were not drawn so absolutely?

not that i am unhappy. or by any means have a bad marriage. i have one of the better ones. it’s taken a while to get here, and at this point i’ve worked out that there is nothing “wrong” with my partner. nothing at all. he is just who he is. it is me that yearns for more. for something that no longer has any space in my life. and that yearning is not something that he could ever fulfill not by his fault, but by the very nature of the yearning. i’ve managed to very successfully keep it at bay for the entirety of our relationship (which is honestly more than i can say in regards to most of my previous relationships), but do i have to do it forever with this nagging yearning? is that what it will always be? is that the only way it can be?

the thing is, in making the commitment to accept that there is within me an addiction that i should not and will not give in to, it makes me expect similar in return. for my partner to quit the things that he wants, that i personally do not want as part of our life. to make and agreement and stick to it. but if my determination leads to expectation, how is that healthy? i’ve recently come to find the freedom and joy in allowing him the space to be his own person and experience what he wants. and i actually find it fair, and not disturbing within myself to allow him to do just that. of course, i’ve always been inclined to wanting others to do what makes them happy, but i’ve always struggled with accepting it probably because here i am, sacrificing all sorts of things to “make things work”.

what if i should not actually be sacrificing myself out of the fear that if i don’t, my relationship would not work? what if there is love that allows me to just be who i am?

i have always been an anxious preoccupied, insecure person. it has lead to all types of extreme behavior in my relationships and life. initially, i had no awareness of it whatsoever. i was just being me. but then i started becoming aware of the crazy and wondered why i had to be that way. i spent many years working on understanding myself. on letting my walls down. on facing myself. on seeing my trauma and the behavior that came from it that created the me i was being. then i began to set myself free. and i cannot say that i am not still filled with fears and anxiety, but i am able to recognize the cues and push through them with self love instead of ego. and i am with each passing day, more aware and more secure.

i have always chosen relationships out of fear. i have chosen people who are avoidant, unavailable, unable to love. because my personality type was comfortable in the seat of the pursuer. comfortable with feeling rejected and not good enough because that’s how i felt about myself. because that’s the way i was built, just as my mother was. i was unconsciously repeating her patterns. and the secure people who tried to love me, i rejected or ran from out of fear of destroying a relationship worth having because i was such a mess.

there is that fear, and it is so real. of actually having something worth having, and not being good enough for it. of failing. of being the one at fault for failure.

but what if i don’t want to choose out of fear anymore? what if there is love that allows me to be me. love that accepts me just as i am, just as i choose to be. love that does not have to be this or that. relationship or self. because that’s what someone like me feels, like some part of me is incorrect and has no place in a relationship because it will cause destruction. but if it’s truly a part of me, and truly a secure love, i shouldn’t fear destruction.

what if now i no longer fear myself, i yearn to experience the secure love i have run from all my life? what if i no longer want to be kept at arm’s length, chasing, sacrificing, pursuing. feeling unfulfilled.

what if i am not looking for a love that removes my desires and yearning to experience what i want in life, but a love that goes beyond that? to set free instead of set boundaries. because as i am learning and choosing to let go, to accept people for who they are, to love them as they are – there is a desire to be loved the same in return.

is that wrong? does choosing a reality i convince myself is the only option there is out of a fear of the unknown right? standing here staring at the other path feels like facing death. but in facing where the fear comes from, i remove it. because beyond death is more life. beyond loss is more love. beyond pain is healing. so – why fear, right?

anxiety

for as long as i can remember, i’ve had this reoccurring nightmare. it took me quite a while to grasp and form into a picture that made sense. it is me – without a form – just an awareness – running on a sphere like object, also formless – at first i am just running along – but as it progresses, the realization that i am unable to get off starts to set in – and with that, fear – and the sphere is rolling faster – and i am running faster – under threat of disappearing under – and the more i think about it, the longer away the “end” feels like – until the end as a concept, has stretched so incredibly far that it ceases to exist – and the swelling panic of there being no end to this torture is so overwhelming that i freeze – and everything freezes – and if i’ve made it this far in the nightmare, i wake up.

 

that paralyzing fear, i now understand – is my anxiety.

 

breathe.

 

anxiety is this large rolling sphere that once you get on, you can’t seem to get off. stuck on that train of thought, on whatever you belief in to be real – fear and panic sets in. your heart beats faster, so much so that you can feel your heart pulsing in your chest and the blood rushing through your veins. you get nervous, uncomfortable – your senses are heightened. you are overstimulated. dizzy. light pierces through your eyes like you are a tiny bug on a gigantic operating table with all the lights on you. you heat up so much that you get cold. you hear every little sound, amplified a hundred times until there is so much pressure within you that it all goes silent. all the senses. and you freeze.

 

it is often paralyzing.

 

breathe.

 

anxiety is finding yourself stuck running, staring into the depths of infinity. it is believing in the worst and seeing absolutely no hope of another possible outcome and therefore no end towards the panic you are feeling. no exit. just the same thoughts increasing in pressure as they play on loop. looping over and over again. loop. because you’ve been through it so often your panic muscles know exactly what to do. loop. and the familiarity of all that fear puts you in that moment of most heightened anxiety within a split second of impact. loop. because anxiety is not really about the situation in front of you, but about anxiety itself. loop. and there’s no coming back because there’s no way out. loop. no exit. just the same thoughts increasing in pressure as they play on. loop.

 

you frantically search for a way out as you spin in circles around yourself. a safe space. a space that is not “this”, whatever “this” is.

 

breathe.

 

anxiety is irrational fears made rational by the mind – taking control over your every being – in the absence of a safe space. and this lack of safe space can be caused by a multitude of experiences which lead to emotions of broken trust and lack of safety. some schools of thought belief the behavioral pattern of anxiety stems from trauma incurred in the formative years of childhood. if a caregiver did not consistently or sufficiently meet your needs for love, affection, approval, care, touch or worse, abused you. and if you find yourself a child, teen or adult – in a situation without someone to go to whom you trust – someone who understands what you’re going through and knows how to be there for you – you freeze. you freeze yourself in, and the world out.

 

breathe.

 

you freeze while you desperately look for the exit. a door for you to open to find sanity waiting with open arms. a door that you have forgotten how to find. because you’re distracted and pulled in all kinds of directions by all your senses. the exit, that is breath.

 

stop.

 

breathe.

 

close your eyes. feel that blood rushing. acknowledge your heart beating fast. breathe. deep inhale. with a slow exhale – ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen. what are you afraid of? breathe. answer those questions, walk down that path. look your fear in the eye and then move past it. breathe…into the space beyond fear. see that there is more. visualize that space. feel it. hold it in your heart. breathe. acknowledge your thoughts. your fears. recognise them as your creation. embrace yourself. your trauma. everything that has lead you up to this point. do not resist it. breathe. know that your trauma is not your fault. acknowledge your pain. let it go. forgive yourself for what you judge yourself for. forgive the reactions. the emotions, panic, irrationality, frustration, anger, violence to come out of the anxiety. forgive yourself. breathe. you are not your trauma. you are the you beneath it all. remind yourself of who you are.

 

breathe.

 

you are love. you are light. you are peace. you are tranquility. you are the sound of the ocean and the breeze blowing through the sky. you are the sunrise and the sunset. the moon, the stars and the galaxy. you are whole. breathe. let go of everything that you cling onto. let go of the defense mechanisms you built over many long years to protect yourself. all the fear. all the paranoia. you are safe. you are alright. breathe. feel your heartbeat stabilize. the pressure start to fade. reality coming back. you are calm. now you can reassess the situation.

 

don’t stop breathing.

 

always remember to breathe. it is the exit door that exists within us that no one can take away. breathe into it. breathe through it.
one breath at a time.

 

i willfully use my anxiety to heal myself. every episode an opportunity to strengthen the muscles of acceptance and inner peace.

 

i visualize my anxiety washing away like grains of sand on the beach with each passing wave.

 

the waves have washed away my nightmare too.

making peace

the time has finally come – for you to face that big one. that major relationship that left an impact so devastating you thought it could never be sent to the folder where past experiences you’ve sorted through and moved on from reside.

you went to poke the beast. you always do. always in hope that the in between was enough time for the beast to transform into something else. something able to look you in the eyes and rise above together. because sometimes you are that beast. and all you need is time and bit of understanding to be ready to heal. some people say don’t bother. but that’s not who you are. you always try. it isn’t always the smartest thing, but you choose to anyways. until the chapter is over.

what transpired took you by surprise. because you thought you had an idea of how things might go either way. but once again, you overlooked all of reality to exist in your fantasy world where everyone wants to make peace. boy were you wrong. goddamn were you wrong.

it genuinely shocks you. you don’t know why. it really shouldn’t. but you really did not expect such a reaction. it sucks. you’d like for it not to, but it does. it’s sad that some things private and personal that you were or had divulged in a space you once considered safe could be used in such a way, twisted beyond recognition. violated. soiled. but you know the truth. and no one can take the truth away from you. 

it makes you think of the past and your journey. of all the years spent wandering about hurt, trying to find love. of all the loneliness. that dark cold loneliness you couldn’t run from no matter how much you tried. always right behind you. lurking in the silent corners of your mind.

you remember the family you once had. a lifetime ago (or so it seems), when you were safe and cherished and things were simple. you feel the inner panic of gradually losing that stable ground. the chaos that ensued as you tried to survive and the constant anxiety of having to – that only made you more needy and codependent.

it makes you think of all the people that crossed your path. those who were good for you. those that were bad. the handful you needed and hurt in the effort of finding your lost self. the stupid choices you made because you were so adamant on not giving a fuck that you chose not to even when you should have. even when you knew as sure as the sun is bright that you were walking into disaster.

you mentally hug your past self. you know how much she needs that compassion and strength with all the pain there was and all the pain to come. you feel melancholic, but more intensely at peace. because you know everything that’s happened has gotten you here. and even though you didn’t get here unscratched, you are so happy here. so very incredibly happy.

only you and you alone know how much effort it’s taken to free yourself from past trauma. to look yourself in the soul and come to terms with the choices you made and the things that happened for you.

and you know now – everything that happens, happens for you and not to you. never to you. and this just so happened to be the journey you needed to take towards self discovery, self worth and self love. because only through learning to love yourself could you then begin to love others the way you’ve always wanted to, with compassion and acceptance. to then create a family based on that truth, for the best odds at maintaining a loving space for your children to always count on.

to save them from what you went through.

you have always known the trigger point of everything falling apart. you set out to do different. it has always been that steady beacon of light. even when you lost your mind, you very much still had your sight. and you never gave in. you never let anything blacken your heart so much you couldn’t live with yourself. you just kept getting back up and moving forward, you warrior. you got here. you did it.

it took as much strength to power through the earlier pain as it did to be vulnerable and truthful in the healing process later on. you have by now forgiven yourself. and with this chapter coming to an end, you feel the remainder of sadness and pain of a time before start to fade as well.

so steady, as if it has been waiting to be set free. you hold on to it for just a little bit longer. a reminder of what made you YOU. a reminder that contained in that darkness was your greatest potential for light.

let go

it never ceases to amaze me, how much we can be blind to our own actions and thought patterns. very often to the detriment of ourselves and the people around us. i spend a lot of time trying to understand things. mainly myself.

you see, i have an issue with things feeling out of control. with not being able to find or believe in a solution to what i perceive to be a problem. and when i worry about what my mind believes to be an inevitable negative outcome, i panic. i get frustrated. i get angry at the things or people who i believe to be causing these situations i can not avoid. because i believe that i am capable and willing to make the necessary changes where the other party is not. and then i push. i demand for change because i believe that only change will alter the outcome that i am so afraid of. and more often than not, that is not what the situation needs – because things spin out of control even more and everything repeats – just more intensely. that is my loop.

kindness is what any situation needs.

i have learnt that the only way to overcome myself, is to take a step back and breathe. to let go. to detach from the situation and the justification i feel towards being right or wronged. to observe myself and those around me. to understand their side. their imperfections, and mine. to accept that by letting go, the inevitable outcome i fear will indeed take place. to not fear it anymore. to know that i will get through even the roughest of patches. to know that i will be stronger for it. to remember that every experience brings with it a space for me to learn and grow. to accept that this is my journey.

to stop there and not expect the same understanding or treatment in return.

to not expect anything.

breathe.

love. surrender. give.

let go.

flow with the currents of life.

be free.

7pm

it was drizzling gently as the sun began to set while i hurriedly tried to make sure all the grass was cut before my having to pick my dad up later in the evening. fingers crossed that maybe he’d be a little impressed, or at the very least not disappointed in my housekeeping skills. lol. yoong and i spent a whole chunk of the day out – grocery shopping and picking up essentials. i also decided i wanted to make some naan with chicken makhani – a good hour plus to prepare. by the time i was done, i realised i hadn’t left myself with much time to get the grass cut. we have a little trimmer which gets the job done. a good investment for the price we paid – which actually wasn’t very much at all – which unfortunately also means it doesn’t cut very fast. then out of nowhere, this grass cutting guy pulls over on his bike outside our house, waltzes right in without asking or checking with us and insists very stubbornly on cutting our grass. usually when people do stuff like that, they do it part expecting some form of payment but he kept telling us he’d do it for free. and then he did. what a pleasant surprise.

as if the day hadn’t been perfect enough. the universe sends us a synchronicity to perhaps reward us for getting back on track with life and deciding to be that much more hardworking and responsible. we’ve slacked the past week or two because everything was hanging, uncertain if we’d leave to move or stay. but recent events made it very clear (to us) that we are happy being where we are for the time being. at least a few years. so we got back to taking care of the space. we worked hard to get here. it’d be nice to enjoy being settled for a bit, really get focused and functional – then move forward.

i believe in synchronicity being (one of) the universe’s way of communicating with us. to let us know we’re on the right path. the more we encounter “magic”, the more we know we are listening to our souls and following a good path. so i’ll take today as a really really good sign that we’ve recently made some beautiful choices. i mean, it’s not everyday that someone walks into your space and insists on doing something for you, for free, for no reason other than him wanting to do something nice.