Category Archives: FOOD FOR THOUGHT

there are so many things people don’t speak of. for fear of judgement or emotional breakdown, i’d imagine.

there are so many things i don’t speak of. that i don’t know how to speak of. that i don’t know who to speak about it to.

why don’t we just share openly? why should sharing change anything we feel about anyone we know? why should it ever be anything more than giving someone the space to set their pent up emotions free.

because the people in my past that hurt me are no less than i was – when i hurt others.

we are all, imperfect beings. we are good. and we are evil.

no one should feel victimized. no one needs to act righteous. there should be no attacking. just being.

and everyone can just be. imperfect as they are. happy as they can be.

free

is it just me? or do people seem to get more and more defeated by life as we all get older? my generation of people are now in their 20s, and finally understanding what it’s like to become part of the adult world. i have noticed so many people expressing their dissatisfaction with a dead end job, or one they don’t even enjoy doing, complaining about stress – but that’s all they do. they don’t seem to want to get out of those situations. they just put up with it, and be unsatisfied.

where was it said that we have to just get with the program and do what we are expected/told to do, to survive? did i not get a memo on that? is it naive to believe that we can do what we are passionate about in life, and still live?

it must come down to money. it always does. everyone thinking that we need money to be happy, to buy things, to go places, to enjoy life – which makes jobs our lifelines. our only means to survive, at such a young age.

no i don’t think that money has no importance in this world. i wish it didn’t, but we can’t change the situation we were born into, and it does. but i find it funny when some friends express their dissatisfaction and obvious desire to be free, then tell me that i’m lucky or they wish they could just have it easy like me. because i haven’t worked for anyone but myself in 4 years, work stress is non-existent to me but yet i seem to be able to buy things and go places.

but i don’t exactly buy things. not anything i don’t absolutely need. i survive because i live extremely thriftily. you know that new phone or cool gadget that just came out? i don’t. how about the latest brands or trends in fashion? i don’t. you’d have to tell me which make up or beauty care products are any good too, coz i definitely don’t know that either. and that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to things i don’t keep up with anymore.

i used to care so much. too much. and many years of whatever hard earned income i had went into a lifestyle that brought me no good or benefit. i spent way too much on going out, meeting people, partying, buying alcoholic beverages, having fancy meals, going on shopping sprees, holidays. but the satisfaction i got from any of that hardly lasted at all. they were temporary fixes, but never actually fixed anything. it was a lifestyle that had to be maintained at all costs, or the fun i was having would just stop. i wouldn’t be able to afford anything, and then what would i do? how would i enjoy myself? how would i be happy?

that is why i set myself free. i am lucky. lucky to have had all my fun at a very young age and learn my lesson right after, with more than enough time to make a 180 turn for the better, before my life truly began. i also earned my right to do what i enjoy doing and not be stressed out. my partner and i budget our expenses and save some for rainy days, not spending more than we should on anything that we don’t actually need while taking risks with business opportunities to find something we really love doing that will bring in a long term income so we can plan towards buying a land and being self sustainable to give our children (and parents in their old age) a healthy life closer to nature where money and stress isn’t everything anymore.

you can call me naive, but i know there is much more to life than just working a job to make a “living”. working days and hours that leave me with not enough time to spend with people i love, travel or work on skills and hobbies. money to go on pointless shopping sprees to reward myself and make up for the dissatisfaction. “stability” that enables me to get a loan to buy a house that i barely spend time in, and a car to get me to the wretched job that would be responsible of keeping me from truly living in the first place.

it’s all a big loop to me. where is the end? i see people of our elder generations – having lived their lives the way they were expected to – worrying about retirement and where they go after. worrying because whatever money they’ve made is still not enough to take care of everyone’s evergrowing needs. what’s really scary though, is that i see them unhappy. what good is monetary income and material wealth when our elder generations, 20 – 30 – 40 years ahead of us have in many ways achieved all of that, and aren’t happy yet.

we think we put up with work and all it’s torture in the now, so we can save enough – and then live the lives we wanna live. but if we don’t really think about the decisions we’re making, one thing just leads to another and before we know it, we are 70, with the best years of our health and lives behind us – then only realising there were so many things we wish we did different. it’s the someday syndrome. someday i will quit my job. someday i will spend more time with my family. someday i will travel with my friends. someday this, someday that. and then, that someday never happens.

39so to anyone with passion that i happen to cross paths with who is stuck in a situation that makes them unhappy, i try to say the same one thing. chase that passion now. follow your rainbow. even if it’s risky and isn’t what others expect of you – just do it. because we should, before more time is wasted doing what we don’t want to do. whatever age we are at now, we don’t gain any time by waiting a little longer. we shouldn’t let money be our sole guide in the now, especially if we are young! while we have the space to find what we want to do, we shouldn’t tie ourselves down to loans and job commitments. we owe it to ourselves to discover what makes us feel fulfilled, and from there – work on making a living from it. you can use your income to shop and travel all you want now, but if the reality that you go back to is something that’s not satisfactory, no amount of escapism is going to change that.

free yourself first. it takes effort and sacrifices, but the freedom is certainly well worth the trouble.

stop this train

you have a train of thought on which you ride when you are alone and quietly thinking. the self-worth you feel, as well as the happiness your life brings, depends upon the direction in which this train is moving, the baggage it carries and the emotional space through which it travels. between life’s stimulus and your reaction is where this space exists, within it is your power to choose how you react, and in your reaction lies your growth, freedom and happiness.

peace of mind. it’s one of those elusive things that money just can’t seem to buy. not that i would have the money for it – had it been up for sale. i don’t think i ever truly realised until recently, how important having some peace and quiet is to me. i always took for granted, my tendency to feel like taking a break from the world, to run back home, to drown myself in a project and actively meditate.

the world is a loud and noisy place. too many people, too many thoughts, too many opinions. i find, it doesn’t matter to me what anyone thinks anymore. i never did care too much but now, as long as i know i’m trying my best to let go of the comfortable restrictions that hold me back and change the inner workings of my mind for the better, i’m not opening up my space to let intruders in.

as i said before, it’s been 8 years of craziness. the past year’s been beautiful in it’s own way but what i really want to do now is completely remove myself from clutter for a bit to focus on my space and self healing. my greatest task now isn’t to find love, but to discover and destroy all the barriers within myself that i have unknowingly built against it. and once i have, i will be able to offer more to the people around me than i can now.

i believe it’s important to take a break every now and then. not an escape where you run from stress and your worries, pretend they don’t exist then go back to the same thing – but a breather after you’ve worked hard to reach a checkpoint in your life. a fresh mind before stepping into a new phase.

i am fortunate to be able to say i would like to spend half a year in peace and quiet. but i’ve also fought the currents of life hard to get here. ultimately, it’s not what you do every once in a while; it’s what you dedicate yourself to on a regular basis that makes the difference and i dedicate myself to living this way.

you are only destined to become one person – the person you decide to be. stay true to yourself. never be ashamed of doing what feels right. and don’t worry if your goals seem crazy to other people, oftentimes the crazy ideas are the ones that have the greatest impact ;)

community

i have been trying to find a good old folks / nursing home for my grandparents who i know aren’t too far from needing a place to go where they can be looked after and kept entertained in their golden years. i am appalled at my findings so far as i can say with certainty, 9 out of 10 places are below par and the ones that aren’t will most definitely cost a bomb.

it makes me sad to think of the condition of living in this country, and how old folks for the most part, are on the loosing end of things. reality seems to be – if you don’t have enough money to hire a live in maid or check yourself into a pricey place, you have no choice but to live out the rest of your life in conditions that will suffocate you and take the joy out of what should be a very peaceful journey towards your final departure.

i want even more now to invest on a land, a few acres if possible, build my family a home and provide space for my children to run around freely and my parents to retire and grow old. i believe tribes have it right, living life together, sharing all responsibilities and burdens. more people to help raise the young and care for the old, together.

but that’s not society anymore, is it?

everyone trying so hard to make a living for themselves, not thinking about the rest of the world. i get it though. if you don’t belong to the minority of people who have found a way to make a living out of something they really love, life is hard. life is fucking hard. if you don’t work, you don’t make money and you are doomed to poverty – something i wouldn’t curse on my worst of enemies (not that i have any). if you work, you spend all your time at your job making as much money as you can – and hate your life a little when you find you barely have time for yourself (let alone anyone else), then waste said money on unnecessary expenses which are justified by of all the hard work you do only to find yourself truly still not satisfied.

everyone’s so caught up struggling for a “better” life. what counts as better anyways?

i want to dream big. i want to aim high. i have been shown that there really is so much more we can achieve beyond the illusion of money. someday i will provide a better life for those around me. there will be land for people to roam happily. plants to tend to. pets to take care of. activities to get involved with.

when my partner first shared his ultimate desire to live communally, it freaked me out, and made me think he was a little crazy. the thought of having to share my space with other people was intrusive. intrusive on this bubble that i call my space. intrusive on my past dreams and goals (which clearly didn’t come from a space of awareness). intrusive on the walls society helped lay foundation and bricks to. but i am no longer scared.

next month, i move into a new house *YAY* a place i will call home for the next phase of my life – before we get our land. and this will be a shared space. not in a housemate-everyone has their own room kinda way. but as two families living under one roof, as one. practice for the future – where i promise (myself) to live unselfishly so others may benefit from the hard work we put in together and the young, middle aged and/or old will no longer have to worry as much about caring for themselves. that is the pot of gold waiting for me at the end of this rainbow.

parenting

last night at dinner, i couldn’t help but notice the family sitting next to me. mum and dad, a little boy (about 3-4) and a baby girl being carried by their maid. the boy already had a smart phone in his hand and was completely distracted by it as his dad attempted to put food into his mouth. sometimes he opened up his mouth to eat, but not once did he stop staring at the phone. then 10 minutes into the meal, the girl (still being carried by the maid) started to make noise. to my complete surprise – and not in any way the good kind – her mum pulled out her smartphone, unlocked it and showed it to her almost crying child. their maid then took the phone and held it out for the baby throughout the remainder of the meal. because the little baby girl couldn’t hold up a phone for herself yet.

i had to fight all my anger and remain seated because parenting is a personal thing and no one has the right to judge anyone else so openly on their parenting skills. but what they were doing was disgusting. that is fact.

i have reached a point in my life where thinking about children and how i intend on raising them has become very real. watching families interact gives me a chance to learn before it is me in that place. and while i do know that all parents will make mistakes, myself included. i feel there’s definitely some things that are black and white. like giving your child the love and attention they need (as opposed to shoving a phone in your baby’s face as she is carried by someone who is not you)

i never really understood how good a job my parents did in raising me. not til the past few years. with them getting divorced and me feeling alone for so long, it was a tough journey letting go and looking past the pain to the really good childhood that i had. and i did have a brilliantly colourful and happy childhood. in fact, if it weren’t for school and peer pressure messing with my head, i think i would have been more than happy to stay at home and spend all my time with my family, the way i love to now.

my parents filled me with love first. and as they loved me unconditionally, that gave me courage to be bold and face the world, stand up for myself, believe in what i believed in. i have always had a platform to voice my opinions and someone to listen to my feelings and concerns – even if it wasn’t what they wanted to hear. they taught me discipline and order which now allows me to have my life organized and myself focused. i am who i am today because they gave me a solid foundation to build myself on, then set me free (and by that i mean really free) to learn the rest on my own.

they also banned me from using my phone during meals ;)

so many people don’t get as much love and freedom as i did – at the same time. my parents have never stopped loving me no matter what i went through finding myself. and now that i have, they are right there to be proud of me.

i thought about it. and that’s really what i want to give my children when i have a family someday. all the love that i can. all my attention and care. and then take a step back as they grow up and let them choose their own path in life. no harsh expectations or judgement because it is my responsibility to create a space in which they can be their true selves. not theirs to live up to what i want them to be.

and when they really test me, i will bite my tongue and then reread these things i have said here to remind myself of what i’ve set out to do. i’m really hoping they don’t turn out as stubborn as i am. although secretly, i kinda already know they will.