Category Archives: thoughts

Stubborn

Hello readers! That’s if I have any left.
Been completely slacking in the writing department and I have no one to blame but myself. I’m in KL now, and not spending as much time alone as I’m used to. I write when I’m bored, and being around people so much doesn’t leave me much time to feel that. Probably a positive thing, but for some reason, I’ve lost all inspiration to write. I guess I’m the kinda person who needs complete privacy before I can zone out and really let my mind wander off. And I think that’s long overdue.

Feels like I’ve made a 180° flip since getting back from Perth. All I did there was spend time with the family and go to the gym. Now that I’m back, I find myself less dedicated to working out, I haven’t seen a family member in over a month and I’ve gone back to partying *almost* like a rock star. I’m just not sure which is the more fulfilling path. 

Living life in the moment again feels pretty good but sometimes I question if it’s the smartest thing to do. It’s a case of “been there, done that” and I can’t say it got me anywhere worth shouting about. There’s this thing I do though, where I make a mistake, then don’t learn from the lesson, and find myself in the same situation I was in before. You’d think I’d know how to make the right choices by now.

But, NO! I’m a stubborn little child who refuses to think of consequences before making decisions. 

Anyhoo, I highly doubt I’ll be writing anytime soon. So for the time being, this site shall function mostly as a picture blog. 
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Processing

It’s been a few days since I’ve been back. Haven’t updated because I’m still in the processing phase. Life’s back to the usual. The house, the roads, the people, the places. I’m so used to it that it feels like I was never in Perth to begin with. 
Figured I’d fall asleep and wake up expecting to feel cold. Or to see the TV that I had gotten used to having in the room I slept in there. But, no. I always know I’m waking up in my room. The maroon walls and comforter don’t feel strange. The fan blowing at my feet doesn’t either.
I miss my stepsisters though. 
I miss waking up to have breakfast with them before they left for school. I miss picking them up from school and heading back to do homework with them. I miss going to the aquatic center and goofing around in the pool. I miss reading to the little one at night then tucking her into bed. I miss the random hugs and kisses I would get. And hearing their voices going “Chrissie” or “I love you”.
I’m perfectly fine with being in Malaysia. It’s where I’ve been all my life, and I’m used to it. But having family for two months was the best gift I could have ever asked for. It’s the only thing that’s been missing in my life. And now, it’s gone. Not completely, but it’s going to be a while til I go visit again. And even longer before I have my own family.

Kinda sucks. But knowing they’re there is better than not feeling like I have family at all. Gotta keep looking at the cup as being half full, right? 

Home.

It isn’t a bed to sleep in or a roof over my head. That I’ve always had.

Home is a feeling.

It is strong, but not overwhelming.
It gives me comfort and makes me feel safe.
It’s a sense of belonging.

I haven’t had a home for so long, I’ve almost forgotten what it’s actually like.

But I know I might be lucky enough to feel it again someday.
It is what has kept me going when I’ve been just about ready to give up.

Home is what makes every other battle worth fighting.

Home is my dream, my goal.
My happily ever after.

I know what’s missing from my life. What I want.
But how do I plan out something that isn’t really in my control?

Maybe it’s easier not knowing what you’re missing sometimes.

Yes. It’s obvious. 
Knowing that I’m leaving Perth in a day is making me sad.

Big is beautiful?

Why is it alright to tell a skinny person to eat more, but not a fat person to eat less?
I’ve always been of normal/average weight. 53kg at the moment. 46kg at my lightest, 65kg at my heaviest. People never seemed to have a problem telling me to eat more when I was thin. It was always, “You’re too skinny, eat more!“, “You’re tiny, eat more!“, “Have you been eating anything lately? Here, have some of my food“. You get the picture. It’s like, being thin was such a problem, people were so afraid of me being bulimic and hurting myself.
But at my heaviest, no one had anything to say. Well, not to my face at least. I’d ask the boyfriend and he would say that he didn’t notice a difference. Or that I was as beautiful as before. And friends didn’t get upset with me for going on the munchies and devouring breakfast, lunch and dinner at a seating, and then some. No one ever pulled me aside and went “God you’ve turned into such a fat pig!”. I had to look myself in the mirror and do that. And then decide to make a change on my own.
So why did people literally shove food into my mouth when I wasn’t eating, and not grab food away from me when I was eating too much? 

Being fat has become such a sensitive issue. People find ways to tiptoe around it because fat people by right, already know they’re fat. And you don’t want to bring down their self esteem by saying it to their face. 
It shouldn’t be about that though. Being fat isn’t bad because it makes you less attractive. Being fat is bad because it’s unhealthy. The same reason being skinny is bad. Eat too little or too much and you’re exposing yourself to all kinds of future, if not current, health problems. Isn’t that cause enough to make a change?
People need to stop thinking that the biggest issue with weight is how it affects appearance. Then maybe there would be less overweight people because people in general wouldn’t be so afraid of stating facts to their face. 
I’ve heard a lot of people say that they’re proud of being big and beautiful. Like it’s something that you teach yourself to be proud of. You do that with height, or race issues. Teach yourself to accept it, and love it, because those are things you can’t change. Being unhealthy is not the same thing.

I have unhealthy friends. I love some of my unhealthy friends to death. I constantly tell the thin ones to stop dieting because they don’t need to lose any weight. But I don’t call the fat ones fat because it would bruise their egos. I have tried, subtly, but it’s not like I could even go up to them and say “Hey, I think you’re unhealthy and maybe we should work on improving that” without them thinking I’ve just called them fat.

I think everyone should just get off their lazy asses and at least exercise at least a little. Go ahead and stick to small meals if that’s all you need to survive. Or keep eating, if food is what you love. Try to eat less if you find yourself eating more than what your friends are, combined. But claiming to love the way you look is definitely no excuse for not being healthy. You can be healthy and love yourself more. 
I know some people say they try, but they never lose any weight, then they stop. Well I say, don’t give up. So what if you think you haven’t lost any weight in the end. I bet you, you wouldn’t be as out of breath after a couple of months at the gym as you were before signing up (Or just plain simple jogging if you don’t have time/money for the gym). And that’s really the results you should be looking for. Not all chubby people are unhealthy. But all unhealthy people are lazy. Too damned lazy to make that change that they so badly need to be making.

It’s time to stop waiting for tomorrows. Go do something today!

p/s : This post was not meant to offend any of my thin or fat friends. Just the lazy, unhealthy ones.

Breaking Up

I’ve been single for about a month now (yes, that’s the first time I’m actually stating it here) and it’s been such a weird experience. For the most part, I got used to the routine of a life I was living. Wake up, go over to boyfriend’s place, go out with boyfriend and friends, head over to best friend’s house, hang out with best friend and friends, go back and sleep. And then I wake up to the same thing again.
So what happens when all of a sudden the boyfriend part is removed? Everything stops functioning the same way and I’m left trying to piece the pieces together again. Friendships change and I don’t get to hang out with quite a lot of people I would have been hanging out with. His friends go back to being his friends, and I’m forgotten. And what about my friends? Honestly, when you move because of a relationship, you kinda leave your friends behind. Along with everything else that feels like home. It’s not the smartest thing to do. But life’s about making choices.
As much as many people would like to point out how stupid I was to do what I did, it was either stay home and drop the relationship. Or hold on to the relationship and move here. And sadly, I am relationship orientated. It is something I have known for the longest time. I don’t judge you for your choices. You shouldn’t be judging me for mine. At the end of the day I’m the one left dealing with the consequences anyways.
I apologize for the emo rant (or lack of sense in this post). I’ve tried so hard to not show how affected I am by this break up. Coz really, it wasn’t a horrible one. In some ways, it’s been the best break up I’ve been through. We talked about things and agreed on it. And now we’re slowly working our way towards being just friends again. Those 3years of friendship isn’t worth throwing away over anything. And I’m not depressed or suicidal.
But I do feel lost. And I want normal back so badly. The problem is, things have changed so many times in my life that I don’t know what normal is anymore. I’m trying my best to just be alright with everything that’s going on. Dealing with the days as they go by. Not really trying to plan anything out. But how do I know what’s right or wrong right now? How am I supposed to instantly know how to deal with new people when I haven’t even figured out how I want to deal with myself? Do I listen to myself and do what I’m comfortable doing? Or listen to what other people are telling me and risk losing myself trying to please them?
I’m trying really hard right now. But there’s only so much I can take before I’m gonna feel like breaking.
Where have all my real friends gone? Seems like everyone’s so caught up in their own drama that no one’s stopped to ask me how I’ve been dealing with things. I’m not distancing myself away from anyone on purpose. Maybe I just need y’all to do the reaching out for once.
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