Category Archives: another end

the epic journey


i call our journey to arture.


i’ve decided to recap the past 2 and a half years instead of just 2014 because i’ve missed writing this post twice. i’m a huge fan of journaling and sometimes get upset when i realise that i’ve let so much time (and everything important that happened) pass without documenting how i felt or what it meant to me. there is just too much that happens over time for me to hold on to in my mind. ending the year should mean clearing up some space in my mental hard disk for new things to come and pouring it out here in case i ever want to look back.


a lot of things have changed in these 30 months. a lot around me, but so much more inside of me. i barely recognise the me i was before embarking on the most epic part of my journey so far. and that says a lot, since my life’s never lacked adventure to begin with.


the thing is, i never really felt comfortable discussing what sparked my transformation and occupied a large part of this chapter as it is taboo (just like most other things i do) which really kept me from being open and honest about a lot of what went on in my mind.


how does one come right out and say “i dropped some acid and it changed my life” without being judged first. without having to fear possible repercussions. without causing worry to all those who care. because that’s exactly what i experienced.


(what feels like) a long time ago, i dropped some acid, and it set me on a path that’s allowed me to question everything i ever thought i knew about life, being and myself. and that allowed me to truly dig within, to reevaluate the things i’ve always known deep down and finally begin to face myself. that’s pretty much what psychedelics do.


since then, i have taken psychedelics a number of times. i didn’t overuse (mostly once every few months), i do not take non-psychedelic substances like the harder drugs that are truly harmful, and i have never been addicted to anything in my life (except maybe sugar, which thanks to this chapter, i have managed to get well under control). if you asked me, i do not feel like one could ever get addicted to psychedelics. especially when taken responsibly.


i definitely do attribute sudden changes i’ve made and a whole lot of growth to a handful of psychedelic experiences i have had and the space i have with my partner (whom i married along the way) that has allowed me to explore what everything meant.


i have chosen to be honest here about the one thing i’ve never spoken of publicly because it feels somewhat suffocating to not be able to document my journey transparently. i have always been transparent, despite what anyone may think of my choices. and now when i’ve made such a change that the people around me feel i’m a different person – why be silent when they wonder what caused this?

why be silent about such a beautiful truth?


this journey has skyrocketed my transformation as a human being. it helped me mend a somewhat broken relationship with my father to a point where all i feel is love when i think of him now. and all that there is, is love. like nothing had ever been broken. it has allowed me a level of acceptance so tremendous, that i have been able to be by my mother’s side as a daughter when she’s needed comforting but more importantly as a friend to give her space to express the full extent of her thoughts and experiences without judgement. it’s been a tough year for her.


i have forgiven people from my past and allowed negative emotions associated with them to slowly flow out – some of which i’ve held on to for almost a decade. chosen to deal with new situations that really upset me (and whoever was involved) in a way where we could still progress towards healing. found strength to be less selfish, more generous, to keep giving even when i don’t get in return.


i dealt with bad thought patterns in my mind that caused me in the past to be possessive, abusive, condescending, jealous, hateful, resentful, obsessive and the list goes on. i used to think that it’s perfectly fine to believe that “this is me. all that i am, is who i am. nothing needs to change”. but i have discovered how untrue and unfair to self that belief is. people are capable of change. i was capable of change deeper than i could have imagined.


i have been freeing myself from old me. from personality traits and emotional habits i picked up from a lifetime of experiences. mechanisms set in to deal with loss and pain. self protection born out of fear of emotions i did not want to have to deal with again. but it was destroying me and all the relationships i tried to build.


i think on some level i always knew my relationships failing were a result of my questionable mental state and the choices i made with people from that space. i simply was not able to see what was good for myself in terms of friends and partners because i wasn’t in any way thinking of protecting my life from negative inputs and influences.


once i realised how much i had abandoned myself and found the courage to start reclaiming sanity that had been lost, i believe i finally made the right choice. i chose a partner who also had healing in his heart and together we set off on a journey of self discovery and cleansing (that we are still on) which has allowed us to tackle some of the hardest steps of life people go through, together. it has been no easy task – taking both individuals into consideration while functioning as one.

but i’m sure i speak for the both of us when i say it has been a truly amazing journey.


together we have worked on creating a healthier lifestyle. mind, body & soul. we have worked towards cultivating some good habits and removing old ones that weren’t great. and as a coup de grâce before ending this chapter, we recently came face to face with an issue impossible to ignore which further strengthens our desire to take the next step with health in mind. we have through all of that discovered the full extent of our growth in truly being willing to trust life and all it has in store for us.


apparently we’re not afraid to continuously step into the dark, as long as we have each other for moral support and strength.


was his journey sparked by psychedelics too? yes. we may have continued down the path of exploring together, but we began the journeys on our own. in some ways it feels like we were brought together by psychedelics as we chose each other for no other reason than the potential of the relationship truly setting us free and healing us along the road less traveled.


we recognise that psychedelics exist for a reason. perhaps it’s nature’s way of sharing knowledge to help us see. these aren’t chemicals created in a lab for a person to get high on. these are compounds produced by living organisms found in nature created by the very force that created us. and once we have found the answers we seek, we thank nature for all that it has given us , stop and work on becoming what we discovered.


i can’t say all those who experiment do it with a spiritual purpose, but the people i have met along this journey have been some of the most loving, giving, accepting people i have had the pleasure of crossing paths with.


it’s a funny society we live in, isn’t it? when i was experimenting, people who did not understand the psychedelic experience felt the need to express their fear that i may be putting myself in danger or choosing to be irresponsible. so much judgement over something one has yet to experience.


why judge those whom as a result choose to live a clean non-materialistic life where pleasure is found in being mindful, healthy, soulful, spiritual. being awake is no easy feat but (to us) it sure is better than what greets us on the other side.


walking this path has allowed me to grow towards accepting life better for all it’s joys and challenges. everything used to feel so out of control. so unfair. so incredibly upsetting. it used to be such a weight to my psyche but now that emotion has changed to an understanding that everything plays out the way it is meant to. and that there needs to be an absolute trust in one’s journey.


i think names and terms aside, religion is one with spirituality. i used to hate religion and believe i was an atheist. because i didn’t believe in a god. the concept of a god that was looking out after you and dictating the course of your life never made sense. but i do believe in a creator now. in a being that is love that we all came from and that life while seeming to be purposeless, serves the greatest purpose of all – LOVE.


i am so much more at peace with myself and everything around me now. if i could go back to before this journey began, i’d tell me to not do anything different. we’d be so proud of where i am now. where we are.


so why allow psychedelics to be this hush hush thing that i “experimented” with but do not speak about openly? i love that we have had the fortune of taking the road less traveled. i love that it was this road. i love how much love we have experienced. how simple things are. how alive we feel.


i can’t tell others to take this path. i no longer want to guide or educate. but i certainly would be standing here with my arms wide open if someone decided to start seeking.


i have danced as the shadow of sound. lived many lives with many ends. traveled backward and forward in time. flown through space. jumped through dimensions. conversed as my consciousness with the essence of life.


this chapter was for trial and errors. for discovering and learning. we succeeded in using it to our full advantage. we didn’t hold back and neither did life. we have been given opportunities and support to venture into the unknown like i’ve never experienced before. the new chapter – what our hearts ache for – what we call arture, it is us taking a first step already knowing. now it’s time to put everything into practice.


when i look back now, i see that it’s been a beautiful 30 months.
i have gained some…


and lost some…

ah ma

and grown oh-so-much.


and while this post is full of pictures, what’s mattered more is what simply could not be captured by a camera.

i am always entertained by how my dreads seem to be a perfect outer manifestation of my inner world. what i see at any point in time will always be this beautiful more mature version of something that was not quite right yet – but is still on a never ending journey to becoming whole.

how lucky i am to get to share this with someone who understands it all and more.


how lucky we are to be alive.

people who made my year!

It’s less than 10 days away from 2011. Once again it feels like so much happened over the past year. And once again it feels like time’s just gone by so fast and the year’s coming to an end way too soon. Why is it that it always seems that way, no matter how many important events took place? Travelling, partying, making mistakes, finding love, losing friends, meeting new friends. Sometimes I wish life would just stay still for a little while and let me catch up to it. Might as well wish for unicorns and Santa to be real as well, cause we all know the chances of any of those things happening are about the same.
……..Anyhoo. Before the year ends, or I get too busy with Christmas and New Year celebrations, I wanna thank a few people who have made 2010 a year worth appreciating.
Jonana. Won. Essie. Janice. Thank you for hanging out with me the times that you guys did. Thank you for being there for me, even though we haven’t been close all our lives. Thank you for making me feel like you guys would be there if I ever needed to reach out to someone and didn’t know who.
Spartans. You guys know who you are. Thank you for making a plain ol’ facebook game so much more fun. For being entertaining and crazy. For spending so much time on the forum and group page. I know it may seem weird to some people who are reading this. But I don’t think anyone actually realised how important the group was to me for those few months. Oh well, those of you who made fun of me for playing Castle Age can go back to making fun of me now. =) I really don’t mind.
Fran, Shannya and the whole jing bang. Thank you for caring about me, and making trips to Penang despite knowing me for well, a week, back then. Thanks for the amazing birthday celebration. For the many unforgettable “occasions”. For not making me feel like an outsider when it really mattered. And for just being the awesomest new friends I’ve made this year.
Natalia/Biatch/Weggie. Thank you for talking to me for hours, for sharing things with me, listening to me, putting up with my issues, being there for me, loving me, not judging me. But most of all, thank you for giving me one of the most stable friendships I’ve had over the last few years. Heck, probably in my life. You’re still my number one girlfriend, even if other people don’t like us being friends as much as we like it ourselves.
Ronny. Even though you’re probably the last person on this list to actually read my blog. NO thank you for getting into an accident and scaring the living bejesus out of me, and for making me wait by the side of your hospital bed for hours and hours just waiting for the few minutes that you woke up, just so I could hold your drink up for you or wipe your nose or turn the fan to you when you were warm then walk back again to turn it away when you got cold. But thank you, thank the doctors, thank god or whoever else was responsible for you not dying. Thanks for still being alive so that I can still have that sometimes pain in the ass brother I’ve had all my life, today.
Mummy. Thank you for being there for me all of my life. Out of sight, but never out of mind. Thank you for continuously caring about me and never giving up on me or my dreams. Thank you for allowing me to make all the mistakes I’ve made in my life and still loving me. Thank you for visiting and staying up all those nights to talk to me about life and everything else. Thank you for the random facebook messages to let me know that you miss me and love me. Thank you for sending me a text to wish me happy birthday (and for forgetting to let me know that you actually forgot the actual date AND month that you gave birth to your own daughter) ;p
To all those other people whom I’ve spent time with or met in 2010, thank you as well. It’s been a pretty memorable year. And I’m sure it would not have been as great as it was without each and every one of you =)

Through the year

I guess it’s about time for this already delayed post. I did last year’s one in the form of pictures. But too many things have happened this year for me to summarize it that way really. I’ve struggled on this post because I do not even know where to begin. I finally decided I’d go back a year and re-read my post on new year and then maybe I’d know what to write.

I remember how I felt writing that post. And the point in life that I was at then. Hard to believe how much has changed, and how much has remained the same. I started off last year with Jermaine, our love rekindled. But that lasted a good what? Three months. I planned to move to KL then shit happened with the babies and we broke up once again. That’s not where the story ended unfortunately. It wasn’t til September that I fully was able to let go of the past 2 and a half years. It was however, through those nine months that I discovered how much different it was to have a girlfriend around. Someone who just stuck by you and listened to all the crap that went on. Daphne changed a huge chunk of my year. I know as I look back, that I would have probably given up a million times if it weren’t for the midnight phone conversations and many many random KL trips. Heck I was probably travelling up and down twice a month at that point. We grew close and I had someone to share things with 24/7. No judgement, no arguments.
It was that friendship though, that led me to meeting Brennan. Who ended up messing with my head more than anyone else ever did. I dropped everything, moved here, tattooed his name on, took him back home and introduced him to the family. It really thought me a lesson on trusting people. I lost Daphne to that bastard. We’re finally in touch again now, but you know when you know things are the same, but isn’t really. Yeah, that’s it. It’s been a freaking miracle to have had Jesz over the past 2 months here to keep me occupied through the crappy times. We had our fare share of fights over the almost 6 years of friendship that we’ve had. But 2009 brought a change and we’re good now. For real. It took some long conversations of how crappy guys were and where we were heading in life to let go of the ex. But just as I thought I’d never allow myself to fall in love again and choose to stay single for a while, I met him. The greatest gift of the year. What started as a playful facebook flirt blossomed into well, what we have now. At least 2009 ended on a good note. In some ways.
I’m not writing about incidents that happened, just the people that have mattered the most through this year. So much more went on that I’d never be able to finish writing about it. But then again, that’s why this blog is here isn’t it. If I wanted to take a look back at all the little things here and there, I could always take sometime and go through the archives.

Reading old posts makes me feel so nostalgic. I just spent the past hour going through half of last years entries. And it was then that I realised, that there is no point to the whole resolution thing really. Every year I wish for the next year to be better then continue into convincing everyone (and more importantly myself) into believing that I’m gonna be smart enough to not make the same stupid mistakes again. And then I make them. So no resolutions this year. I’m just gonna chill and take it as it goes.
I have always been blunt and straight forward in my posts so I did not feel the need to pseudonym anyone in this one either. The only thing that makes me sad really, is that I can’t name him. Not yet anyways. The situation’s just such. But all in all, life’s good. It always has been.

My Year in a Few Pictures

This post has been in the drafts for quite some time. Coz I’ve just been too lazy to finish editing all the stuff, but I finally finished it. It’s not the most original way of summing up the 08. And I give credit to (insert name of the person who first came up with it). I haven’t a clue. I just found this so convenient. Coz a picture’s worth a thousand words right.