Category Archives: family

day 3.

day 3 of practically living in the hospital.

i am tired.

home doesn’t feel like home. probably because everything’s already packed for the move. the hospital is home now, because that’s where my heart is.

it hurts every evening when i have to leave my husband and come back home.

will try looking for a way to stay overnight tomorrow.
and ask the neighbour to feed the cats while i’m gone.

i’m not enjoying the evening’s at all but the daytime is alright when i get to take care of my husband and see him happy. i hate the look on his face as i’m saying bye. so unexcited with the idea of spending the night (and having to get everything done) on his own.

i hate hospitals.

i shall rise to the challenge as i always do though. i’m keeping the house as sorted as i can. wake up, prepare all food stuff and head off. get back, wash everything and set aside things for the next morning’s food preparation. not much time is spent at home.

i hope the kittens aren’t missing us too much while we’re gone. i’d hate to lose them on top of everything else too.

i’m processing all of this reasonably well for the amount of time i have to myself to think and just breathe.

the aircon in sunmed is not doing my nose any good. but there’s hardly a choice, is there?

i’m waiting for the storm to pass. because i will make it through. we will still be standing, to enjoy the beauty that comes after. to enjoy the rest of life together.

i miss you ah ma. i can still hear your voice when i shut the rest of the noise out and just think of you. i hope i never forget what you sound like.

i’m speechless. i haven’t gotten to processing everything yet. i don’t know what these emotions are just yet.

i love you.

i love you. goodbye.

this evening, my grandmother passed away. she was sweet, loving (especially obviously towards me) and always full of life & attitude. anyone who knows her would know what a colourful character she’s always been. she stayed true to herself til the very end in the most imaginative of ways.

she was my rock. when family fell apart, she was my home to go back to as and when i needed. all throughout my confused, distraught teenage (and young adult) years when i couldn’t seem to do anything right. she has always looked out for me, spoiling me in any and every way she could, taking care of me when i needed help. right til the very end.

we knew her time was coming. the plan was to maybe move her to taiping to be closer to me after we moved tomorrow, so i didn’t actually get to say goodbye physically. our last phone conversation has to be a good enough goodbye (for me). i told her not to worry about me anymore as i’m married, happy and well taken care of. that she could rest her worries. and that i love her so much. i hope that was good enough for you, ah ma.

i don’t know how to process this. i am so glad that my grandmother’s pain has come to an end. i am happy for wherever her journey takes her soul after this. i feel absolutely shit that i can’t go back right now and be there for my brother who has to sort a huge portion of the arrangements out because at the same time, my husband is in the hospital for dengue/denggi and collapsed lungs.

great timing, life.

i’ve made time to edit a photo in her honour and post this because really, i’m at home alone while my other half, best friend and only person i need to talk to isn’t reachable til i see him in the morning. i got home from the hospital, was preparing what i need to for tomorrow morning when i got the call from my mum, then tried to help my brother where i could and now i’m seated in front of the computer.

i’m afraid that once i finish and i have nothing to focus on, the reality of my current reality will only then sink in. this is going to be a night i will always remember.

i love you so much ah ma. so so so so much. you will always be a part of my heart. i know you are happier wherever your soul is now. you have given so much, you finally get the rest you have been waiting for and deserve so greatly. transcend in peace.

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three

my cousin is visiting this week. so we went to visit another cousin. we’re all so far apart that we hardly see each other at all. but it’s beautiful how the love is still there. how it still feels like family. distance makes no dent in love.

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i also painted my guitar. i love how it looks, but i don’t feel it’s complete yet. couldn’t leave the strings off for too long though, because i missed playing it almost instantly. so i guess i’ll have to pain it in stages.

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desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

parenting

last night at dinner, i couldn’t help but notice the family sitting next to me. mum and dad, a little boy (about 3-4) and a baby girl being carried by their maid. the boy already had a smart phone in his hand and was completely distracted by it as his dad attempted to put food into his mouth. sometimes he opened up his mouth to eat, but not once did he stop staring at the phone. then 10 minutes into the meal, the girl (still being carried by the maid) started to make noise. to my complete surprise – and not in any way the good kind – her mum pulled out her smartphone, unlocked it and showed it to her almost crying child. their maid then took the phone and held it out for the baby throughout the remainder of the meal. because the little baby girl couldn’t hold up a phone for herself yet.

i had to fight all my anger and remain seated because parenting is a personal thing and no one has the right to judge anyone else so openly on their parenting skills. but what they were doing was disgusting. that is fact.

i have reached a point in my life where thinking about children and how i intend on raising them has become very real. watching families interact gives me a chance to learn before it is me in that place. and while i do know that all parents will make mistakes, myself included. i feel there’s definitely some things that are black and white. like giving your child the love and attention they need (as opposed to shoving a phone in your baby’s face as she is carried by someone who is not you)

i never really understood how good a job my parents did in raising me. not til the past few years. with them getting divorced and me feeling alone for so long, it was a tough journey letting go and looking past the pain to the really good childhood that i had. and i did have a brilliantly colourful and happy childhood. in fact, if it weren’t for school and peer pressure messing with my head, i think i would have been more than happy to stay at home and spend all my time with my family, the way i love to now.

my parents filled me with love first. and as they loved me unconditionally, that gave me courage to be bold and face the world, stand up for myself, believe in what i believed in. i have always had a platform to voice my opinions and someone to listen to my feelings and concerns – even if it wasn’t what they wanted to hear. they taught me discipline and order which now allows me to have my life organized and myself focused. i am who i am today because they gave me a solid foundation to build myself on, then set me free (and by that i mean really free) to learn the rest on my own.

they also banned me from using my phone during meals ;)

so many people don’t get as much love and freedom as i did – at the same time. my parents have never stopped loving me no matter what i went through finding myself. and now that i have, they are right there to be proud of me.

i thought about it. and that’s really what i want to give my children when i have a family someday. all the love that i can. all my attention and care. and then take a step back as they grow up and let them choose their own path in life. no harsh expectations or judgement because it is my responsibility to create a space in which they can be their true selves. not theirs to live up to what i want them to be.

and when they really test me, i will bite my tongue and then reread these things i have said here to remind myself of what i’ve set out to do. i’m really hoping they don’t turn out as stubborn as i am. although secretly, i kinda already know they will.