Category Archives: flashback

making peace

the time has finally come – for you to face that big one. that major relationship that left an impact so devastating you thought it could never be sent to the folder where past experiences you’ve sorted through and moved on from reside.

you went to poke the beast. you always do. always in hope that the in between was enough time for the beast to transform into something else. something able to look you in the eyes and rise above together. because sometimes you are that beast. and all you need is time and bit of understanding to be ready to heal. some people say don’t bother. but that’s not who you are. you always try. it isn’t always the smartest thing, but you choose to anyways. until the chapter is over.

what transpired took you by surprise. because you thought you had an idea of how things might go either way. but once again, you overlooked all of reality to exist in your fantasy world where everyone wants to make peace. boy were you wrong. goddamn were you wrong.

it genuinely shocks you. you don’t know why. it really shouldn’t. but you really did not expect such a reaction. it sucks. you’d like for it not to, but it does. it’s sad that some things private and personal that you were or had divulged in a space you once considered safe could be used in such a way, twisted beyond recognition. violated. soiled. but you know the truth. and no one can take the truth away from you. 

it makes you think of the past and your journey. of all the years spent wandering about hurt, trying to find love. of all the loneliness. that dark cold loneliness you couldn’t run from no matter how much you tried. always right behind you. lurking in the silent corners of your mind.

you remember the family you once had. a lifetime ago (or so it seems), when you were safe and cherished and things were simple. you feel the inner panic of gradually losing that stable ground. the chaos that ensued as you tried to survive and the constant anxiety of having to – that only made you more needy and codependent.

it makes you think of all the people that crossed your path. those who were good for you. those that were bad. the handful you needed and hurt in the effort of finding your lost self. the stupid choices you made because you were so adamant on not giving a fuck that you chose not to even when you should have. even when you knew as sure as the sun is bright that you were walking into disaster.

you mentally hug your past self. you know how much she needs that compassion and strength with all the pain there was and all the pain to come. you feel melancholic, but more intensely at peace. because you know everything that’s happened has gotten you here. and even though you didn’t get here unscratched, you are so happy here. so very incredibly happy.

only you and you alone know how much effort it’s taken to free yourself from past trauma. to look yourself in the soul and come to terms with the choices you made and the things that happened for you.

and you know now – everything that happens, happens for you and not to you. never to you. and this just so happened to be the journey you needed to take towards self discovery, self worth and self love. because only through learning to love yourself could you then begin to love others the way you’ve always wanted to, with compassion and acceptance. to then create a family based on that truth, for the best odds at maintaining a loving space for your children to always count on.

to save them from what you went through.

you have always known the trigger point of everything falling apart. you set out to do different. it has always been that steady beacon of light. even when you lost your mind, you very much still had your sight. and you never gave in. you never let anything blacken your heart so much you couldn’t live with yourself. you just kept getting back up and moving forward, you warrior. you got here. you did it.

it took as much strength to power through the earlier pain as it did to be vulnerable and truthful in the healing process later on. you have by now forgiven yourself. and with this chapter coming to an end, you feel the remainder of sadness and pain of a time before start to fade as well.

so steady, as if it has been waiting to be set free. you hold on to it for just a little bit longer. a reminder of what made you YOU. a reminder that contained in that darkness was your greatest potential for light.

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i remember

ah ma used to cycle all the way to kfc to buy me a burger all the time, when i said i didn’t want to eat anymore. i would actually be full, and end up eating more anyways. she was smart at tempting me. she also did this with the fish & chips from lucky, wantan mee from ashita, buns from a bakery down the main road and countless other foods.

she used to pull me aside not so discreetly and insist that i take some cash or angpau (red packets) from her as it was good luck – before i left the house for longer periods of time.

i remember her black sauce chicken and fried fish with sweet soy sauce. they were my favourite. when she couldn’t cycle out anymore, she would cook food at home anytime i was back. and she’d make it a point to bring it straight to my room upstairs. even when she could barely walk up the stairs. as she got older, she’d slowly make her way up and down while sitting, one step at a time.

now when i look back, i realise how much she aged over the past decade. i didn’t really feel it then, because it was so slow and gradual. i didn’t think of the person she was the last time i saw her. funny how some things feel so clear when it’s time to say goodbye.

she used to make me milo and keep it frozen in the freezer for when i got home from school. i always say i was a milo baby. she was probably the reason why. one time, i had so much milo and food, i threw up.

i grew up with my grandma always around. i think i can say i lived with her throughout the years more than i’ve lived with my parents, or anyone else. she’s never not been a part of my life. however seldom or often i’d see her.

when i first moved to kl, she used to call me many times throughout the day. sometimes i’d love it. sometimes she’d annoy me. for the most part, i always answered and chit chatted with her. i suppose that gradually changed as well – until she didn’t call me for so many days that i’d find myself calling her. i remember thinking a few years back that someday my grandma’s going to stop calling and i’m really going to miss her fussing about me.

i can’t believe that day is here.

i really can’t believe that day is here.

it really is, isn’t it.
you’re really gone.

you really were the best grandmother a person could ever ask for. no one will ever spoil me the way you did. i still miss you ah ma. more than words can describe.

Recycle Bin

In February of 2007, I took my first bus alone down to Kuala Lumpur. A small town girl looking for a big adventure. I decided then that I wanted to keep track of the travelling I would do throughout my life (and the stories that came along with it) so I wrote it down somewhere. You see, I’ve always had selective memory and I knew the chances of me recollecting those memories 10 years from now was slim to none. 

I kept making notes til I got my laptop later on that year, then I shifted it over. Occasionally I’d open up the file to make an update but by 2011 I decided to abandon it because opening the file reminded me of so many painful memories (of breakups and people leaving).
Today, as I was going through files to look for something I misplaced, I came across it once again. Some part of me didn’t want to, but I opened it this time. I guess I knew I was ready to delete it but I wanted to go through it one last time. Say my goodbyes.
Reading all those entries made me feel awful. Every note felt like a flashback.

The day my mum left Malaysia. The day I had my abortion. The many times I traveled back and forth for a relationship that lead to abortion. The mistakes I made trying to get over it.

At the end of it all, here’s what I realised.

I’ve continuously allowed myself to be used and/or mistreated because there’s always been this emptiness in my life. A void, so to speak. Not having family to go back to for so long left me feeling really lonely. I’ve looked for love and made sacrifices in hopes of finding true companionship to fill that void, only to find out that not everyone’s willing to do the same in return. I’ve also dropped my standards to an unbelievable low just because I thought if I gave the frog/beast a chance, he might someday transform into a prince. My prince. Turns out, my life’s not a fairytale. I know, what a shocker!

It’s not all negative though. I have come to believe that there’s no point in regrets because where I am or what my life is like today, is a result of all those risks that I’ve taken. And I can honestly say I’ve never been in a better place before. After so many years of stumbling around feeling unaccepted and judged, who knew that it was possible for me to be nothing but myself and find happily ever after at the same time? 

On top of the amazing mother I’ve always had, I now have a solid relationship built on trust and honesty (not an easy feat considering the twisted/crazy things that go through my mind), a loving (step)family that cares a whole lot about me and friends that I don’t have to be fake around.

If life doesn’t get any better after this, I won’t complain.
How could I? I already have everything I’ve always wanted and so much more.

Looking Back

Fergalicious would have played every time I received a message on my red Sony Ericsson W550i phone which I loved so much. Akon was at the top of his game. Songs like Smack That and I Wanna Fuck You were playing in clubs everywhere. Justin Timberlake’s lyrics from What Goes Around was stuck in my head and we would soon discover that it would stay that way for sometime.
I had just watched Mandy Moore in Because I Said So. A movie you wouldn’t hear of for a long time because for some reason the shop I bought my DVD’s from was way more updated than yours. Kal Penn was as sexy as ever in Epic Movie. And Dream Girls was creating a buzz that I would never understand. Turned out to be a big disappointment and a waste of time to watch for me.
Tori Spelling, Mel B, Jaime Presley and Marcia Cross were in their third trimester of pregnancies. I wondered how long it’d be before the baby boom began to hit celebrities we grew up with. You know, those barely talented tween girls that Disney once made famous – Hillary Duff, Alyson Michalka, Raven Symone, Ashley Tisdale, Vanessa Hudgens etc.
Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were only a couple of months away from beginning their journey through getting arrested, being sent to rehab and going to jail. Anna Nicole Smith had just died of an overdose. News of it was all over the internet and Astro channels, although it took me a while to even figure out who she was. Not that I cared anyways after that.

It would have been a momentous month for many different people all around the world. It was even the month that Barack Obama made his life changing presidential announcement. But for some reason, all I can think about is the fact that it was the month that marked the beginning of a journey. One that would affect the rest of my life in ways I wouldn’t even have been able to imagine then.
Many years have passed but yet these feelings don’t seem to disappear. Sometimes I wonder what life would be now if I could go back and re-do just those couple of days. Maybe it would have allowed me to be a different person right now. Someone I actually really enjoyed looking at in the mirror.

If I could have One Wish

I’d travel back in time to that exact moment.