Category Archives: MOTHERHOOD

mom

being a mom means having very little no time to myself.

being a mom means trying to work out when to put tiny human down after she falls asleep after feeding for a nap to get some little task done and being worried that some random sound will signal the end of that personal time. usually something does wake her up. usually too soon to soon for me to complete anything!

being a mom means having the patience to work on a project – 20 minutes at a time, over the span of many days – sometimes losing interest before its able to be completed – sending it to the ever growing list of things to get to that will never get done.

being a mom means sacrificing self. prioritizing tiny human’s needs and wants. self interest. self image. self identity. everything changes to accommodate tiny human that relies on me 24/7.

being a mom means being on watch and on call every waking moment of tiny human’s days. to greet her in the morning. to pick her up. to change her diapers and clothes. to shower her. to play with her. to help her stand up. to keep her from falling down. to feed her. all throughout the night.

being a mom means forgetting what real sleep feels like. 2 hours is my new bar. 2 hours is good. 3 hours is rare and amazing. 4 hours is panic because “what’s wrong?! why has tiny human not woken me up yet”.

being a mom is getting out of bed every morning despite the intense lack of sleep, the tiredness or the body aches. being made aware of the strength i truly posses. pushing myself beyond limits i’ve never experienced before.

being a mom means having this innate desire to continuously do better. to provide all i can and more. to never feel good enough, no matter the effort or outcome.

being a mom means being fiercely protective – hyper-alert and hypersensitive to the environment and how it affects tiny human – having senses so on point, it’s almost a superpower.

being a mom means being a superhero. taking on the responsibilities and obligations. receiving the adoration and love.

being a mom means being the UNIVERSE to tiny human. EVERYTHING. ALL. TOTAL. WHOLE. SEMUA. KA LIAO. QUAN BU.

being a mom means being in love like never before. overwhelming love. and falling in love all over again at every new thing tiny human does. and tiny human does a lot of new things. all the time.

being a mom means living life with a purpose. because raising tiny human right – really matters. and will take a lifetime. what an honour and gift, to be given tiny human to guide through life and learn from.

being a mom means re-experiencing life all over again. seeing things through tiny human’s not so tiny eyes. rediscovering the beauty in simplicity. and the importance of things i have come to overlook or take for granted.

being a mom means spending what little free time i have while tiny human sleeps – watching her sleep. watching her sleep happily. feeling content. feeling accomplished. feeling oneness. feeling complete.

being a mom means wanting no time to myself and accepting the daily chaos that is my new life because i no longer desire to be in control because i am just so mindlessly lost in love. lost in tiny human.

hello tiny human. i’ve been waiting for you.

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another end. another beginning.

this year can be summed up in three photos and one word –

Yam SengUntitled-1FAMILY2015
♡ FAMILY ♡

the 5th month

i thought i’d write a post on pregnancy before i’m done being pregnant and completely forget what this phase of waiting for baby feels like. the strange thing is i hardly feel pregnant at all sometimes. the first trimester was a little uncomfortable – having to fight the urge to be sick, newly heightened sense of smell that made me so aware of everything, being tired and wanting to nap. but it really is true that the second trimester is a little break before i get big and heavy. maybe nature has it that way so women don’t suffer continuously for the whole 10 months. yes, 10 months since i’m technically supposed to be pregnant for 40 weeks beginning from ovulation. i wonder why it’s always referred to as 9.

baby is growing and i’m starting to show. although in loose clothes i still look very much normal. i’m thinking i’d just look like i have a little pouch to anyone who doesn’t know i’m pregnant. looking forward to having a bigger bump really! but i’ll be patient and treasure the ease of movement i have at the moment.

we are busy busy busy preparing for the arrival of baby. it’s not all baby related stuff besides the researching side because i’ve been studying and there really isn’t too much that baby needs actually. so many people have said how expensive it is to have a child nowadays but really i think it’s the parents who want to live an expensive lifestyle. having a child is as simple as providing the basics and lots of love. the basics can be pretty damn affordable and love is tough work, but it’s free. i shall put this theory to the test soon and report back on how whether i still feel the same way after having to take care of a child.

the rest of what’s keeping us busy is setting up our home. to make sure that the space is satisfactory for us so we don’t have to think of home improvement work once baby is here. i doubt we’d have time or energy for any of that for a while.

sometimes it feels surreal that i am at this point in life. i’ve been waiting forever for this moment but the journey to get here has played out so differently. for a while it felt like i wasn’t living the life i wanted to live but since detaching from childhood fantasy like expectations, i’ve come to realise how much i’m really loving the life that i do have.

my in-laws have finally decided to give us the green light to be together. after 3 years, a wedding (they did not attend) and a baby on the way. well, i guess better late than never. i’m personally not one for giving a shit about getting approval – especially not from people who have continuously treated me horribly – but i know that this is the family i’ve married into and whether it suits me or not, these are my husband’s parents. even if i could walk away and not care, he wouldn’t ever be able to. so i’m hoping this baby gives them a reason to just be happy for him and love him and their grandchild and not create such drama and negativity anymore.

once again i feel so grateful for the amazingly wonderful family i’ve been blessed with that’s been nothing but loving and supportive through this very memorable phase of my life. count the blessings i do have, right? :)

here comes the sun

Untitled-1i’m finally expecting again. because of the miscarriage the last time around, i was a little scared and very careful about getting too excited about this pregnancy. did not want to get my hopes up too high just in case something went wrong. but last week we saw a heartbeat and the doctor confirmed everything pointed towards a normal pregnancy. i can’t say the fear has completely disappeared, but the joy and excitement is definitely taking over.

it hasn’t been easy, having no choice but to be patient and wait to conceive again – especially when i’ve felt for years like i’ve wanted to step into this new phase of life. on the inside it feels like there’s this rush. that i can’t wait so long because i’ve always wanted more than one child (to say the least) and i never wanted to be 30 and pregnant. acceptance comes from knowing that in the time i spent waiting to start this chapter, i’ve learnt so much more than i could have a few years ago which better enables me to provide for my child the way i’ve always wanted to.

also this time, my husband’s prepared for it and actually excited instead of panicky and worried. i would say that the one year since we found out we were pregnant the last time has given him space to “see the light”. i could not and would not want to do this alone without him being on board fully. coming from a broken family, i feel the absolute need to provide my child/children with a stable and loving environment. there is only so much material possession and financial support we can offer them, living this simple life. but love and support is not something anyone has to purchase.

i’m really looking forward to growing as a family. i believe in the past 10 years, i’ve done all i’ve needed to do and explored as much as i could. the quest was never actually for freedom, but to find a place to call home. i always loved being at home in my own little bubble and that’s never changed. who would have known that the journey would bring me back to lil’ old taiping, the place i was born in? seems like life’s come one full circle and there couldn’t be a better time or place to start our family.

the past 10 weeks have been bearable. i spent half the time feeling really really great and the other half feeling very meh. i haven’t thrown up but that could be out of pure determination because i have had issues with morning sickness (which everyone should know happens anytime throughout the day). my love hate relationship with food is constantly evolving, leaving me with not much to look forward to in terms of food. my nose is in hyper-drive and everything smells overwhelming so i’ve been sticking to fruits, vegetable shakes and light food for the most part.

i’ve found it helpful to distract myself with preparation and research for our much awaited bundle of joy. trying to be as efficient as i can be with spending and not waste money on the ton of unnecessary baby stuff there is out there. so much information to learn from and sift through.

also, staring at the computer screen and using the scroller on the mouse makes me feel nauseous, so that’s it for updates until i’m out of this stage of pregnancy.

i tell yoong we’re only going to have one child because pregnancy is no walk in the park but i know everything passes and all will be forgotten the moment we have a baby in our arms. i predict that we will be going through this all over again.

non-stop

it’s just been so hectic since we’ve moved to taiping that i haven’t had the time to sit down and really write out a long post the way i’d like to. because short updates are so incredibly pointless and boring. almost every day is filled with all sorts of projects. one after another. constant effort and work to set up our garden and land. but i have been putting in the effort to update on our facebook page. and instagram. so at least this part of the process doesn’t go completely undocumented.

next week, real work starts on the land. and then we’ll probably be even more busy.

i’m making the time to update here because yesterday, after 4 long months of waiting, i finally miscarried and the blighted ovum washed out. two weeks ago, i was just about ready to give in and give up. we went to the hospital to see if it’d be better for me to get a d&c and of course the doctors said yes. but i’d have to be admitted for at least 3 days for them to monitor me. i hate hospitals. not dislike, hate. and unless i’m dying, i’d never admit myself into one to lay there in some crappy hospital bed with nothing to do, waiting for some kind of horrible, unnatural procedure.

so we walked away. i said i’d just be stubborn and wait for it to happen on it’s own.

then i got back and did some soul searching and realised that maybe the past 4 months have been insane. that i’m emotionally holding on to everything. i’m not a person who really lets things show. or express the struggles i’m going through. mainly because i don’t think anyone knows what to do with someone elses emotions. so after finding out it was a blighted ovum, my mum and stepdad (whom i’m very fond of) have gone through a separation leaving me with little to no contact with my stepsisters. then we had to make the decision to move but we found out my husband has a life threatening condition and was hospitalized for 10 days. during which, my grandmother died. and to be there for my husband meant missing out on the funeral process all the way back in penang. i could only be there for half a day which really wasn’t enough time for anything to sink in. i really love my grandmother. probably more purely than anyone else in my life. and then we had to deal with my husband’s family which were fear mongering and withholding support because they didn’t like our plan to move. then we moved anyways and have been setting up here.

i’ve been holding up pretty alright. i’m not one to crumble and collapse at stress or bad things happening. i think my tolerance of pain has been built up that i’m prepared for many things to happen. but on a subconscious, emotional level – i don’t think i took the time to let go of the baby we were supposed to have. i really wanted to be a mum. so that’s what i did. over the past 2 weeks, i’ve been consciously choosing to let go. it’s been an insane week emotionally. draining. especially because life doesn’t just stop when i want it to, but i did make time to let go.

and yesterday morning, it happened. i naturally miscarried almost painlessly after 20 weeks of waiting. isn’t that insane? they say risk of infection and all the bad stuff goes up after a few weeks. and they suggest after 4 weeks, if a miscarriage doesn’t happen naturally, to go in for a d&c. i now fully believe that i’m just about the most stubborn person i know. because waiting this out has felt like forever. but being here right now, i do feel it’s been completely worth it. the body, mind and soul work together and one’s got to trust in the process.

i’m really glad for the timing as volunteers get here on monday, which i’m looking forward to so much more now that i feel like i’ve stepped into the (chinese) new year as a lighter me.