Category Archives: MOTHERHOOD

my little taurean

maya [sanskrit] dream or illusion.
taurus 🌞 sagittarius 🌙 leo rising.

this birth was a dream come true. our plan for an unassisted birth was to prepare as much in terms of knowledge and situation management and leave the rest to instinct. with our previous birth, i was honestly afraid of the contractions. not wanting to feel the pain allowed it to overwhelm me causing me to freeze and not allow my body, mind and soul to work as one to bring ella earthside like a warrior.

with this birth, i wanted to do different. we addressed all our fears and from the moment i felt the first real contraction, i did my very best to welcome it. feeling the energy surge through my body, down my spine, through my hips, up my belly, embracing maya in the womb and moving her down with a release. i moved to music on an exercise ball for as long as my body allowed me to before moving into a birthing pool. i can attest to the effectiveness of warm water as a natural epidural. i knew the moment i got in that maya would be born in the pool. and she was. arriving at 1.40pm on the 23rd of april @ 3.8kg. peaceful and healthy.

i do not know how women are expected to navigate labour without support (many government hospitals do not allow for a birthing partner) as i would not have made it through the many hours of intense contractions without yoong to be my strength and motivator in moments of fatigue and weakness. labour is no walk in the park. and the moment of transition where baby is ready to make an appearance is honestly the most warrior i’ve ever had to be in my life.

but beyond the space of pain and fear is a place of absolute bliss. bliss of accomplishing the seemingly impossible. bliss of holding my baby in my arms, having birthed her naturally, catching her on my own. most would think we are insane, for daring to attempt an unassisted labour. to that i say, i am so glad we are. because we did it, and i have no regrets. only joy and love.

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pot of gold

it’s so much less likely for me to make time to write down the happy things nowadays. that’s because the reality of full time parenting means little to zero time to myself. even when i’m struggling and my thoughts won’t let go of me, i have to make do with an hour in the morning before bambina wakes up. happier times are obviously just spent as a family, in the present. which is why my writing has been erratic and unrefined. it has mutated from something i put a lot of thought into and proofread and correct into just an expression of the thoughts that run through my mind on the spot. but sometimes that’s good. because getting to feel and see my thoughts as the whole truth and nothing but the truth reflects back to me where my mind really is/goes. the pain/fear, the absurdities, my loops. there is no more pretending. and that’s the thing i find with parenting.

there is no longer any space left to pretend. it’s so very real. and the stress of not having any break to put things aside to deal with later can really get to a person. and get in the way of partnership. because the reality is when one has an ounce of personal space, the other is holding the fort down. and vice versa. doing something nice has gone from spending time together to tagging in so the other can tag out. which is an incredible adjustment from being single together. where there was once time for self and then the relationship. of course ideally, the child would be sent off to be taken care of for the day or weekend or to daycare/school for selfish reasons. and i don’t mean selfish in a bad way. everyone needs to selfishly look out for themselves sometimes. but ideal is not always reality. and reality isn’t always ideal.

the beauty is though, that as we journey on and begin to acknowledge the stresses, hardships and sacrifices we individually make/tolerate for each other and the family at large, it begins to feel very much more like teamwork. and in the most clearest of spaces, it feels as though we are one. and the oneness can’t be taken away, even when we are functioning separately. it sounds so obvious, like obviously both partners give their all because of love or the commitment that matter enough to make all these sacrifices. but it is incredibly easy to take things for granted, and not be grateful for all things large and small that we do for each other.

…and here comes bambina…

the truth is, selfishly, i have my expectations of what love should be. and what a relationship should feel like. but life gives you what you need to experience to grow into a better self. not what you want to feed your ego self. every step is an opportunity to go beyond expectation and preconceived notions of what love is into a space of true understanding of love.

and the truth is, as a couple, we are breaking through to that space. sometimes we get stuck and it feels as though i’m banging into a wall, which is what brings me here to sort out my thoughts. but then sometimes we find a way to take that wall down and it feels like a different, much better space than before.

recently, it feels as though we have truly broken through to a space of empowerment and love. the changes on both sides that have set in are monumental. and we have been able to deal with situations in a much more accepting and positive way. it feels “normal”, or more accurately wholesome, which we all know is not actually the norm. so really, it takes a great incredible amount of healing and unlearning to be wholesome. and boy, did it. but with every step we take in the right direction, it shows me that this is all i need. and all i ever asked for. and i am grateful. so today, i’ve made the time to write out some of the happy as well. i’d love to express so much more, but bambina being awake means a chatty toddler in my face and no personal space to form coherent thoughts so off i go.

mom

being a mom means having very little no time to myself.

being a mom means trying to work out when to put tiny human down after she falls asleep after feeding for a nap to get some little task done and being worried that some random sound will signal the end of that personal time. usually something does wake her up. usually too soon for me to complete anything!

being a mom means having the patience to work on a project – 20 minutes at a time, over the span of many days – sometimes losing interest before its able to be completed – sending it to the ever growing list of things to get to that will never get done.

being a mom means sacrificing self. prioritizing tiny human’s needs and wants. self interest. self image. self identity. everything changes to accommodate tiny human that relies on me 24/7.

being a mom means being on watch and on call every waking moment of tiny human’s days. to greet her in the morning. to pick her up. to change her diapers and clothes. to shower her. to play with her. to help her stand up. to keep her from falling down. to feed her. all throughout the night.

being a mom means forgetting what real sleep feels like. 2 hours is my new bar. 2 hours is good. 3 hours is rare and amazing. 4 hours is panic because “what’s wrong?! why has tiny human not woken me up yet”.

being a mom is getting out of bed every morning despite the intense lack of sleep, the tiredness or the body aches. being made aware of the strength i truly posses. pushing myself beyond limits i’ve never experienced before.

being a mom means having this innate desire to continuously do better. to provide all i can and more. to never feel good enough, no matter the effort or outcome.

being a mom means being fiercely protective – hyper-alert and hypersensitive to the environment and how it affects tiny human – having senses so on point, it’s almost a superpower.

being a mom means being a superhero. taking on the responsibilities and obligations. receiving the adoration and love.

being a mom means being the UNIVERSE to tiny human. EVERYTHING. ALL. TOTAL. WHOLE. SEMUA. KA LIAO.

being a mom means being in love like never before. overwhelming love. and falling in love all over again at every new thing tiny human does. and tiny human does a lot of new things. all the time.

being a mom means living life with a purpose. because raising tiny human right – really matters. and will take a lifetime. what an honour and gift, to be given tiny human to guide through life and learn from.

being a mom means re-experiencing life all over again. seeing things through tiny human’s not so tiny eyes. rediscovering the beauty in simplicity. and the importance of things i have come to overlook or take for granted.

being a mom means spending what little free time i have while tiny human sleeps – watching her sleep. watching her sleep happily. feeling content. feeling accomplished. feeling oneness. feeling complete.

being a mom means wanting no time to myself and accepting the daily chaos that is my new life because i no longer desire to be in control because i am just so mindlessly lost in love. lost in tiny human.

hello tiny human. i’ve been waiting for you.

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another end. another beginning.

this year can be summed up in three photos and one word –

Yam SengUntitled-1FAMILY2015
♡ FAMILY ♡

the 5th month

i thought i’d write a post on pregnancy before i’m done being pregnant and completely forget what this phase of waiting for baby feels like. the strange thing is i hardly feel pregnant at all sometimes. the first trimester was a little uncomfortable – having to fight the urge to be sick, newly heightened sense of smell that made me so aware of everything, being tired and wanting to nap. but it really is true that the second trimester is a little break before i get big and heavy. maybe nature has it that way so women don’t suffer continuously for the whole 10 months. yes, 10 months since i’m technically supposed to be pregnant for 40 weeks beginning from ovulation. i wonder why it’s always referred to as 9.

baby is growing and i’m starting to show. although in loose clothes i still look very much normal. i’m thinking i’d just look like i have a little pouch to anyone who doesn’t know i’m pregnant. looking forward to having a bigger bump really! but i’ll be patient and treasure the ease of movement i have at the moment.

we are busy busy busy preparing for the arrival of baby. it’s not all baby related stuff besides the researching side because i’ve been studying and there really isn’t too much that baby needs actually. so many people have said how expensive it is to have a child nowadays but really i think it’s the parents who want to live an expensive lifestyle. having a child is as simple as providing the basics and lots of love. the basics can be pretty damn affordable and love is tough work, but it’s free. i shall put this theory to the test soon and report back on how whether i still feel the same way after having to take care of a child.

the rest of what’s keeping us busy is setting up our home. to make sure that the space is satisfactory for us so we don’t have to think of home improvement work once baby is here. i doubt we’d have time or energy for any of that for a while.

sometimes it feels surreal that i am at this point in life. i’ve been waiting forever for this moment but the journey to get here has played out so differently. for a while it felt like i wasn’t living the life i wanted to live but since detaching from childhood fantasy like expectations, i’ve come to realise how much i’m really loving the life that i do have.

my in-laws have finally decided to give us the green light to be together. after 3 years, a wedding (they did not attend) and a baby on the way. well, i guess better late than never. i’m personally not one for giving a shit about getting approval – especially not from people who have continuously treated me horribly – but i know that this is the family i’ve married into and whether it suits me or not, these are my husband’s parents. even if i could walk away and not care, he wouldn’t ever be able to. so i’m hoping this baby gives them a reason to just be happy for him and love him and their grandchild and not create such drama and negativity anymore.

once again i feel so grateful for the amazingly wonderful family i’ve been blessed with that’s been nothing but loving and supportive through this very memorable phase of my life. count the blessings i do have, right? :)

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