Category Archives: miscarriage

non-stop

it’s just been so hectic since we’ve moved to taiping that i haven’t had the time to sit down and really write out a long post the way i’d like to. because short updates are so incredibly pointless and boring. almost every day is filled with all sorts of projects. one after another. constant effort and work to set up our garden and land. but i have been putting in the effort to update on our facebook page. and instagram. so at least this part of the process doesn’t go completely undocumented.

next week, real work starts on the land. and then we’ll probably be even more busy.

i’m making the time to update here because yesterday, after 4 long months of waiting, i finally miscarried and the blighted ovum washed out. two weeks ago, i was just about ready to give in and give up. we went to the hospital to see if it’d be better for me to get a d&c and of course the doctors said yes. but i’d have to be admitted for at least 3 days for them to monitor me. i hate hospitals. not dislike, hate. and unless i’m dying, i’d never admit myself into one to lay there in some crappy hospital bed with nothing to do, waiting for some kind of horrible, unnatural procedure.

so we walked away. i said i’d just be stubborn and wait for it to happen on it’s own.

then i got back and did some soul searching and realised that maybe the past 4 months have been insane. that i’m emotionally holding on to everything. i’m not a person who really lets things show. or express the struggles i’m going through. mainly because i don’t think anyone knows what to do with someone elses emotions. so after finding out it was a blighted ovum, my mum and stepdad (whom i’m very fond of) have gone through a separation leaving me with little to no contact with my stepsisters. then we had to make the decision to move but we found out my husband has a life threatening condition and was hospitalized for 10 days. during which, my grandmother died. and to be there for my husband meant missing out on the funeral process all the way back in penang. i could only be there for half a day which really wasn’t enough time for anything to sink in. i really love my grandmother. probably more purely than anyone else in my life. and then we had to deal with my husband’s family which were fear mongering and withholding support because they didn’t like our plan to move. then we moved anyways and have been setting up here.

i’ve been holding up pretty alright. i’m not one to crumble and collapse at stress or bad things happening. i think my tolerance of pain has been built up that i’m prepared for many things to happen. but on a subconscious, emotional level – i don’t think i took the time to let go of the baby we were supposed to have. i really wanted to be a mum. so that’s what i did. over the past 2 weeks, i’ve been consciously choosing to let go. it’s been an insane week emotionally. draining. especially because life doesn’t just stop when i want it to, but i did make time to let go.

and yesterday morning, it happened. i naturally miscarried almost painlessly after 20 weeks of waiting. isn’t that insane? they say risk of infection and all the bad stuff goes up after a few weeks. and they suggest after 4 weeks, if a miscarriage doesn’t happen naturally, to go in for a d&c. i now fully believe that i’m just about the most stubborn person i know. because waiting this out has felt like forever. but being here right now, i do feel it’s been completely worth it. the body, mind and soul work together and one’s got to trust in the process.

i’m really glad for the timing as volunteers get here on monday, which i’m looking forward to so much more now that i feel like i’ve stepped into the (chinese) new year as a lighter me.

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sunshine

today’s been a good day. i chose to start the morning with a smile, and everything’s been not so cloudy. maybe yesterday was the last bit of my hormones sorting itself out. one can hope, right?

i even enjoyed cooking. and made time to make a new header. which i’m in love with. yay to good days. got to remember to fall asleep happy so i wake up happy tomorrow too.

road to recovery

i am lucky to have a partner who is loyal and dedicated to this relationship. he may not be everything i need him to be in (some) moments, but he has and always will try to give his all. relationships are a challenge and i cannot imagine what it must be like for him to be by my side through this part of my journey.

i wish i could just get through this alone and not put him through confusion he may not understand but i can’t hold myself together very well now, no matter how much i try. i hope i don’t unnecessarily hurt him too much in the process.

i pray this gets easier. i know everything does with time, so why is dealing with this so hard? maybe when my cycle returns to normal i’ll start to forget the trauma of miscarrying. maybe then i’ll feel hope return. until then, all there is is blind faith. but i don’t actually know how much of that i have right now.

i can’t be sure, but i feel like everything would be different if this wasn’t our first child. at least then i’d know i am capable of having a child. right now it feels like something’s wrong with me. maybe it’s my fault. maybe i didn’t take good enough care of myself. maybe i’ve put my body through too much in the past.

what if i conceive and miscarry again? what if it takes many tries to have a child? will i survive that? if i feel this bad now, what would i feel like if i’ve failed a few more times. and sometimes it does take that much trying.

why this? why me? why couldn’t i just be one of those women that have easy, smooth-sailing pregnancies? i’ve always felt like life has been pretty hard over the past decade. i’ve lost just about everything along the journey, had to struggle on my own and get through lots of rough patches. but i accepted all of that and finally got to a much better place. why this on top of everything else?

i can’t remember ever feeling this hollow.

i know i can try again, but right now it feels like something has been ripped out of me and i’m right here to feel all the pain. i don’t want to feel this way. i want to will be alright. i just need to work on getting there.

i have to will come to terms with how much my emotions are swinging back and forth and regain control of myself. i have to will count my blessings and not get swallowed up by the challenges life throws at me. i will get through this.

chasing cars

when i was 13, i went for my first and last sports day of my high schooling years. we didn’t have a big school field, so it was held in a public field in a different area. everyone was outside getting picked up by their parents after the event and i had accidentally let my friend take my purse back home with her. i borrowed 50cents from another friend and went to the public phone booth to call my dad – my brother picked up and i told him to remind my dad that he was supposed to come get me now. i even said “right now okay”. because my dad has a tendency of taking his time! it was already over an hour of waiting, and the last of the girls were finally getting picked up too…until i was the last one there. a little panicked because i didn’t have any money with me to make a call, and i had waited forever, i decided that i had to now start walking home. so i walked – for over an hour. i walked past police men in a housing area and my primary school teachers passing in a car (that stopped to talk to me) without telling anyone what was going on. i just kept walking. i couldn’t explain why i’d chosen to just walk when i’d never walked so far before, when i could have asked for help. but the obvious habit of keeping my issues to myself as i’m dealing with it remains til this day.

you see, it’s kinda feels like my world has shifted again after the miscarriage. there are moments where i feel like i completely understand where my life is heading. that things have been falling into place, and i’m happier and stronger as time passes. and then, there are moments where i have absolutely no fucking clue what i’m doing here. doesn’t help that my hormones (and emotions) are still in recovery and haven’t settled down yet. it just feels sometimes like there’s too much going on for me to think about right now. it was fine – before and when i was pregnant. but all i’ve wanted the past week is to have some time to plant my feet firmly on the ground. i want to breathe and just feel myself breathing again. it’s too much to try and manage my emotions, make sure i’m cooking/consuming healing foods, and try to plan out a move including all the design details at the same time. without much support or anyone understanding what i’m going through on the inside.

i think i feel like no one can really help anyone else through their issues. if someone’s going to help me, it’s got to be me and me alone. it’s worked for the majority of my life. i’ve gotten through the tough times. but there are occasions where even the strong get taken down. and then, what do i do? i’m not used to reaching out. i don’t know how to be vulnerable and weak to let people know how much something is bothering me. people just assume i’m strong and they don’t ever learn to be there for me in my moments of weakness. which i honestly do not blame them for. i make it damn near impossible because i hardly ever allow myself to be admittedly broken for long enough that someone could something about the confusion or pain.

i am torn. on one hand, i feel excited about life. i know how much better everything is right now. i don’t have much to complain about at all. and i don’t – feel complainative about life. but on the other (especially when my emotions are running heavy) i feel like i need to reconsider the path i’m going down. i set out on this path with an idea of where it could take me, and things aren’t really going as planned and when i need my partner the most, i feel he isn’t able to snap into being the support i need him to be in this moment, where it really REALLY matters.

that’s something really hard to say or admit to. does is make me evil for wanting more than someone is trying to give? what do people do when they’re faced with that? just keep powering through? i know it’d be really nice to be with someone communicative who would understand me on my many levels. especially when i try not to make it hard. i have a pretty good understanding of myself, but people are built/raised differently. we all have our individual fortes. it’s not always convenient to a situation but i made a choice i’ve chosen repeatedly to stick to.

so i can’t allow myself to think too much into the unnecessary. i keep accepting that i will not have support in some ways. and i keep telling myself that it will be alright. i keep being strong.

but i’m not feeling very strong at all right now. and i really just don’t know what i’m doing here. at all.

 

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