Category Archives: MOTHERHOOD

non-stop

it’s just been so hectic since we’ve moved to taiping that i haven’t had the time to sit down and really write out a long post the way i’d like to. because short updates are so incredibly pointless and boring. almost every day is filled with all sorts of projects. one after another. constant effort and work to set up our garden and land. but i have been putting in the effort to update on our facebook page. and instagram. so at least this part of the process doesn’t go completely undocumented.

next week, real work starts on the land. and then we’ll probably be even more busy.

i’m making the time to update here because yesterday, after 4 long months of waiting, i finally miscarried and the blighted ovum washed out. two weeks ago, i was just about ready to give in and give up. we went to the hospital to see if it’d be better for me to get a d&c and of course the doctors said yes. but i’d have to be admitted for at least 3 days for them to monitor me. i hate hospitals. not dislike, hate. and unless i’m dying, i’d never admit myself into one to lay there in some crappy hospital bed with nothing to do, waiting for some kind of horrible, unnatural procedure.

so we walked away. i said i’d just be stubborn and wait for it to happen on it’s own.

then i got back and did some soul searching and realised that maybe the past 4 months have been insane. that i’m emotionally holding on to everything. i’m not a person who really lets things show. or express the struggles i’m going through. mainly because i don’t think anyone knows what to do with someone elses emotions. so after finding out it was a blighted ovum, my mum and stepdad (whom i’m very fond of) have gone through a separation leaving me with little to no contact with my stepsisters. then we had to make the decision to move but we found out my husband has a life threatening condition and was hospitalized for 10 days. during which, my grandmother died. and to be there for my husband meant missing out on the funeral process all the way back in penang. i could only be there for half a day which really wasn’t enough time for anything to sink in. i really love my grandmother. probably more purely than anyone else in my life. and then we had to deal with my husband’s family which were fear mongering and withholding support because they didn’t like our plan to move. then we moved anyways and have been setting up here.

i’ve been holding up pretty alright. i’m not one to crumble and collapse at stress or bad things happening. i think my tolerance of pain has been built up that i’m prepared for many things to happen. but on a subconscious, emotional level – i don’t think i took the time to let go of the baby we were supposed to have. i really wanted to be a mum. so that’s what i did. over the past 2 weeks, i’ve been consciously choosing to let go. it’s been an insane week emotionally. draining. especially because life doesn’t just stop when i want it to, but i did make time to let go.

and yesterday morning, it happened. i naturally miscarried almost painlessly after 20 weeks of waiting. isn’t that insane? they say risk of infection and all the bad stuff goes up after a few weeks. and they suggest after 4 weeks, if a miscarriage doesn’t happen naturally, to go in for a d&c. i now fully believe that i’m just about the most stubborn person i know. because waiting this out has felt like forever. but being here right now, i do feel it’s been completely worth it. the body, mind and soul work together and one’s got to trust in the process.

i’m really glad for the timing as volunteers get here on monday, which i’m looking forward to so much more now that i feel like i’ve stepped into the (chinese) new year as a lighter me.

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ssshh

so here’s the little secret. i took a pregnancy test 2 days ago and it was semi/faintly positive. clear enough to be an obvious line, but not dark like it should be for a big fat yes. i’ve been feeling some fatigue and nausea, things i experienced with the first pregnancy. but i dare not dream. my miscarriage happened over a month ago and i haven’t gotten my period yet. i know a false positive is common after a miscarriage so i’ve got to wait a week to test again to find out if the line’s lighter or darker. i also know that some women conceive again very soon after a miscarriage before their cycles return and go on to have normal healthy pregnancies. but that’s not always the case.

i wish i could take a home pregnancy test and confirm it beyond a doubt or that i’d just get my period. just so i’d know. it’s killing me – being in limbo.

if we’re not pregnant, we keep trying. but what happens when we are? i never thought i’d experience a miscarriage. it doesn’t just feel simple and exciting anymore. i’m scared.

but i know we’ll have to take it a step at a time.

gosh. i do hope i’m pregnant again.

i really really do.

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sunshine

today’s been a good day. i chose to start the morning with a smile, and everything’s been not so cloudy. maybe yesterday was the last bit of my hormones sorting itself out. one can hope, right?

i even enjoyed cooking. and made time to make a new header. which i’m in love with. yay to good days. got to remember to fall asleep happy so i wake up happy tomorrow too.

road to recovery

i am lucky to have a partner who is loyal and dedicated to this relationship. he may not be everything i need him to be in (some) moments, but he has and always will try to give his all. relationships are a challenge and i cannot imagine what it must be like for him to be by my side through this part of my journey.

i wish i could just get through this alone and not put him through confusion he may not understand but i can’t hold myself together very well now, no matter how much i try. i hope i don’t unnecessarily hurt him too much in the process.

i pray this gets easier. i know everything does with time, so why is dealing with this so hard? maybe when my cycle returns to normal i’ll start to forget the trauma of miscarrying. maybe then i’ll feel hope return. until then, all there is is blind faith. but i don’t actually know how much of that i have right now.

i can’t be sure, but i feel like everything would be different if this wasn’t our first child. at least then i’d know i am capable of having a child. right now it feels like something’s wrong with me. maybe it’s my fault. maybe i didn’t take good enough care of myself. maybe i’ve put my body through too much in the past.

what if i conceive and miscarry again? what if it takes many tries to have a child? will i survive that? if i feel this bad now, what would i feel like if i’ve failed a few more times. and sometimes it does take that much trying.

why this? why me? why couldn’t i just be one of those women that have easy, smooth-sailing pregnancies? i’ve always felt like life has been pretty hard over the past decade. i’ve lost just about everything along the journey, had to struggle on my own and get through lots of rough patches. but i accepted all of that and finally got to a much better place. why this on top of everything else?

i can’t remember ever feeling this hollow.

i know i can try again, but right now it feels like something has been ripped out of me and i’m right here to feel all the pain. i don’t want to feel this way. i want to will be alright. i just need to work on getting there.

i have to will come to terms with how much my emotions are swinging back and forth and regain control of myself. i have to will count my blessings and not get swallowed up by the challenges life throws at me. i will get through this.

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