Category Archives: letters to loved ones

sincere ignorance

i write one last time about this because everything else is cleared away from my mind and i realise this is the last thing floating around. i’m really glad my mind works in a way where things that are dealt with, can be put to rest and all is good after.

i have come to find that my greatest pet peeve is ignorance. anger, pain, frustration – i understand and accept. but i think i’ve said before i do not get how some people can choose to remain ignorant, when there is always room for growth, however slow it is.

after everything you have said, you have proven to be the most ignorant person i’ve crossed paths with in a long time. when you said –

“Today, I found out how understanding and loving xxxxxx is. When I told him that you wanted us out, he was very upset. Because we told him that the house is his, and he really loved the place.

He waited with me patiently in the playground through the hot fucking sun and the chilly rain as we waited for xxxx to pack our stuffs. We ate in the playground. We had to stay constipated because of you, coz you threw us out the first thing in the morning. And then I saw this loving side of this kid again when he pissed in his pants and xxxx had to run to the playground with xxxxxx’s pants and xxxxxx said “xxxx love me la”. This is family, and this is love. Oh, there’s more.

By the time we unloaded all the things (we had to go up 3 flights of stairs for uncountable times), it was already 11pm. xxxxxx helped a little, and then he stayed at home and guarded the house. Each time I came back, he asked “finished already ah”. The last round I made, when I told him I’m finished, only then he opened his mouth to say that he’s hungry. He was so fucking understanding. He knew that we had to do it and finish it coz otherwise things will get stolen.”

first of all, i told you to get out immediately because you told us you were going to leave in the first place. it was already the end of the month, you had no plans on staying, and i had no desire to give you one extra month to hang around unwelcome in our space.

“But guess what control freak, even us leaving today was not because you asked us to. We already planned to leave”

so you did. and you choose to tell your son that it’s us that wanted you out, not that you gave up on wanting to make this happen. so…he would blame us, and not you? that’s alright. i don’t mind taking one for the team so your son can see you in better light.

then let me get this straight, you forced your son to wait in the “hot fucking sun and the chilly rain” and eat in the playground and stay constipated and then piss himself when you had the car, which could have easily taken you to one of the many restaurants nearby or petrol station, or even back to your place to wait if you wanted to. and then you forget to feed him until you are done moving, instead of just knowing it’s feeding time, take a short break, feed him and then get back to moving? but of course he’s alright with it. i know that’s just one of the many times you’ve forgotten to feed him, isn’t it?

now i KNOW your son is a brilliant little trooper. i’ve known that since day 1. everyone knows how special he is. never thought otherwise. sad that you say you only found out that day :( because you can’t blame us for what you did to him there. everything else you have to say to me, i accept as your opinion and your view of me/us. fair enough. we’re adults, we can handle each other.

but nothing excuses you not being a responsible mother. and i can’t do anything about it, but you really shouldn’t be blaming your bad parenting skills on us and saying we made you do anything. sorry to break it to you, but with everything that happened, you could have taken him to a restaurant or back to your place, fed him there and let him use the bathroom – you know, if him suffering was really one of your concerns. you made that bad choice for him.

sorry, we did let your partner do the packing, we just didn’t want your screaming ass anywhere near our house. also sorry way past afternoon is your “morning”. wake up earlier with your kid then, instead of having him wait and wake you up every morning.

i don’t know what you hope to get across by saying “this is family, and this is love”. your son is love. you are not. because all i have seen the entire time i’ve known you is your selfishness to pay more attention to yourself, and irresponsibility in taking care of your son. thank you but no thank you, that is not what being a mum, family or love is to me.

but of course, you being who you are – the version you play in your head where what you chose to do to your kid is our fault, that will never change, will it? oh well.

i’m putting all of this to rest now.
someday it’ll be a distant memory in my head, like everything else. all part of life’s necessary ups and downs to get us to where we ultimately want to be.

thank you for anything beautiful you added to our lives, nothing – not even the ugliest of ugly takes away the beauty anyone brings to the table. i’m not sorry you were a part of our life. i’m not sorry this happened. now let us all just grow from this experience.

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my brother, my first friend.

i’ve come to realize that through life, some feelings never get expressed and then they remain pent up in some form of resentment / hope / expectation. i don’t ever want to be caught in a situation where i have yet to say what i want to and will never get the chance to. so i’m writing letters to the people who mean a lot to me. those who i have loved and hated. to say everything here because the nature of our relationships do not allow for me to verbalize it in person.

i write for myself. for my own peace of mind, laying my feelings out on the table – so i can let go of them once and for all and move forward with less and less baggage. but i also hope that maybe someday the people they’re meant for may come across it and know the truth.

the first one’s for my brother, my first friend.

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being here and spending 2 weeks of family time together has reminded me of something I have known all my life. that i love you. i don’t ever remember not loving you through any phase of my life – no matter what ups or down we or our family went through.

as the younger sibling, i know you had moments in which u absolutely hated me. now being wise enough to see it in our stepsisters or other sibling relationships, i get how annoying it must be to have an elder sibling trying to guide you and thinking she knows better – all your life. as we grew up and i became a rebellious teenager first, it must have been hard for you to ever understand my personal struggles or the point i was at in life. it must have been confusing, upsetting and disappointing for you to know that i made choices you would have never seen yourself making. and because i moved out before we could become adults together, we never really got the chance to better the broken relationship we had. i don’t blame you for hating me. or not wanting me to be a part of your life. i get it.

i just wonder sometimes if u realize how much i have loved you forever? once, when mummy was video taping, i explained very seriously as best as i could in hokkien to ahma that “i have to take care of you, because if i don’t, who else will?” i was 4 then. my feelings have never changed. as an elder sibling, life must have been very different from my end. i may not have known exact rights from wrongs growing up, or the full affects of my influence on you, but i was always trying to guide you down the path i thought would be fun. always hoping you would enjoy doing things with me, and therefore love me more. or at least want to be around me. i even got to know that one girlfriend that i couldn’t stand because she was your girlfriend and that was my responsibility as your sister. i didn’t know that’s not what u wanted. i was always just trying to find ways to make our relationship better, or to show u that i loved you so that you would love me back.

sometimes i feel you think i hate-love you as much as you hate-love me and i don’t really get to tell you that i don’t hate you because you’re not my sister. you’re a boy and we just don’t have emotional sharing moments. do you know that i have never actually hated you at all?

in form 6, despite being a founding member of my own school’s drama team, i teamed up with you (and your school) – not because i ever thought we had a chance of winning – but because i wanted to share that experience with you and actively be a part of your highschool life. i took criticism and ignored being called a “traitor” because honestly, who cares about what anyone said when the reward was us getting to do something together?

when you had your accident and was stuck in a hospital bed hooked up to all sorts of scary tubes and almost died, i was there to feed you fruit and scratch your nose when it itched. i was happy in those moments because for the first and probably only time in our more adult lives, i felt you needing me and i could be there for you. of course i was happier to see you walk out alive!

sometimes i force myself to forget how much i really love you. i try to ignore it because when i do think of it, i get a little sad. i will always wish you would like for me to be a part of your life. i will always think of wanting to get you presents, doing you favors, sharing what I’ve learnt with you, calling you randomly to catch up, hanging out. but i know that ship is not at the dock right now. i will always try as much as i can to give you reasons to love me back, but you and i are different and my ways might never be good enough for you. so i do accept that this could be how we remain for the rest of our lives – connected but not close. i don’t think the hope for more will ever not be in the back of my mind but that’s okay, because as long as you’re happy and i still have a brother, what more can i ask for.

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