Category Archives: relationships

pot of gold

it’s so much less likely for me to make time to write down the happy things nowadays. that’s because the reality of full time parenting means little to zero time to myself. even when i’m struggling and my thoughts won’t let go of me, i have to make do with an hour in the morning before bambina wakes up. happier times are obviously just spent as a family, in the present. which is why my writing has been erratic and unrefined. it has mutated from something i put a lot of thought into and proofread and correct into just an expression of the thoughts that run through my mind on the spot. but sometimes that’s good. because getting to feel and see my thoughts as the whole truth and nothing but the truth reflects back to me where my mind really is/goes. the pain/fear, the absurdities, my loops. there is no more pretending. and that’s the thing i find with parenting.

there is no longer any space left to pretend. it’s so very real. and the stress of not having any break to put things aside to deal with later can really get to a person. and get in the way of partnership. because the reality is when one has an ounce of personal space, the other is holding the fort down. and vice versa. doing something nice has gone from spending time together to tagging in so the other can tag out. which is an incredible adjustment from being single together. where there was once time for self and then the relationship. of course ideally, the child would be sent off to be taken care of for the day or weekend or to daycare/school for selfish reasons. and i don’t mean selfish in a bad way. everyone needs to selfishly look out for themselves sometimes. but ideal is not always reality. and reality isn’t always ideal.

the beauty is though, that as we journey on and begin to acknowledge the stresses, hardships and sacrifices we individually make/tolerate for each other and the family at large, it begins to feel very much more like teamwork. and in the most clearest of spaces, it feels as though we are one. and the oneness can’t be taken away, even when we are functioning separately. it sounds so obvious, like obviously both partners give their all because of love or the commitment that matter enough to make all these sacrifices. but it is incredibly easy to take things for granted, and not be grateful for all things large and small that we do for each other.

…and here comes bambina…

the truth is, selfishly, i have my expectations of what love should be. and what a relationship should feel like. but life gives you what you need to experience to grow into a better self. not what you want to feed your ego self. every step is an opportunity to go beyond expectation and preconceived notions of what love is into a space of true understanding of love.

and the truth is, as a couple, we are breaking through to that space. sometimes we get stuck and it feels as though i’m banging into a wall, which is what brings me here to sort out my thoughts. but then sometimes we find a way to take that wall down and it feels like a different, much better space than before.

recently, it feels as though we have truly broken through to a space of empowerment and love. the changes on both sides that have set in are monumental. and we have been able to deal with situations in a much more accepting and positive way. it feels “normal”, or more accurately wholesome, which we all know is not actually the norm. so really, it takes a great incredible amount of healing and unlearning to be wholesome. and boy, did it. but with every step we take in the right direction, it shows me that this is all i need. and all i ever asked for. and i am grateful. so today, i’ve made the time to write out some of the happy as well. i’d love to express so much more, but bambina being awake means a chatty toddler in my face and no personal space to form coherent thoughts so off i go.

that four lettered word

every day i count the many blessings i have in my life. after many years of pushing myself in a steady direction of pain and growth, i have really reached a point where i can say with absolute certainty, in this moment, for better or for worse, i know who i am.

it is such a liberating feeling to not be confused or uncertain. to not have to worry about what anyone else thinks or wants from me anymore because i know the path i’m on. it may not be perfect, but it is a good path and as long as i stay on it and continue being the best me i can be in any moment, i know i will keep pulling myself in a positive direction.

i am lucky every moment of every day to have a partner who shares my vision in life. to be the very best version of himself at all times too. it has been a painful, traumatic journey, but we always pull through and come out on the other end stronger, wiser and more in love than ever. together we have lost friends, family, regained family, been thrown out into the world having to make a home of our own, dropped below the poverty line, worked and saved our way out of it, started a business together, slowly collected the essentials we want/need for ourselves, finally find a home, have no choice but to leave that home…and here we are. still moving forward. still in love. still happy.

we never wanted easy. some people may not understand why we choose the path we choose instead of going for what’s safe and convenient. but everything we have been through was exactly what we asked for. and as tests, we aced each and every one of them, together.

my safety net is the handful of people in my life who are so beautiful and full of understanding and love, to accept and love me for who i am. i really am happiest in solitude and don’t have many friends at all, but the friends that i do, boy are they special.

over the years, i have come to realise that i am a quirky little weirdo that does not function the way most people do here – leaving me feeling alienated in almost all social situations because 1. i was raised speaking english and only speak english and that automatically reduces the comfort level for me and people i’m around when they have a different native tongue, and that’s a lot of people in malaysia 2. i communicate differently because my parents talked to me a LOT (still do) and i was raised to use words, to be expressive, instead of keeping it simple, short and light like the general malaysian attitude 3. i want to talk about deeper things, like human experiences and have playful debates over different opinions 4. my humour shines best when i know a person well or through sarcasm and wit, which not everyone gets.

all those things above mean that i am not a very entertaining warm person, so people don’t know exactly what to talk to me about or want to and vice versa. only once in a blue moon do i meet a person whom i can connect with, where conversations just flow and everything’s easy.

those people, the people who take the time to understand the person i really am beneath all the rumors and misunderstanding, i say they are special because i can only imagine how hard it is to see past expectations and preconceptions of what a friend or person should be.

i am a little boring, awkward, quiet unless spoken to, painfully honest, strong willed, obsessive by nature but everything i do, i do with the purest of intentions, constantly trying to understand the people i am around – how they function, how they think, how they feel. because the only thing i am good for i believe is love. i really can and do love with all of my heart. no pain, betrayal or judgement has ever stopped me from getting right back up and loving harder. and when i love a person, i would do anything in my capability to be a constant positive force in their lives to get them to where they want to be. to uplift and strengthen. so everyone gets a little reminder every now and then to hold on to their happy thoughts, keep their heads up, dreams high and not let the rest of the world get to them.

LOVE

i am so grateful to have found love in many different ways and places.

so lucky to have so much of the one thing that really, truly matters.

happily ever after

so here’s what i’ve come to learn over the past year of being in a good solid relationship. men and women are different.

lol. now i know that’s like the understatement of a lifetime. but i never really knew how exactly we functioned differently at the core. after many many long hours of conversations and dealing with ourselves and issues we have faced, i have discovered that as simple as it may seem – women are emotional, men are logical.

when a man is hurt, the woman’s response is usually to first understand how he is feeling, then together look for ways to deal with it. these ways differ greatly, but the understanding and acknowledgement of hurt is usually present, which allows both parties to move forward. when the situation is reversed, a man typically begins with analyzing his actions to find the route cause of these “accusations” and more often than not because he did not set out to hurt his woman, does not understand why she is hurt in the first place. then logically, she should not be upset because there is no real reason for her to be. which is true, in all honesty. i have found myself on countless occasions feeling emotions that logically even i know should not be there. but when one is not allowed to feel those emotions, deal with it and move forward, conversations may turn into fights and anger at this point because stubbornly, the woman feels she has been hurt and the man does not want to accept that he could have hurt her.

it has taken me years of trying and clashing with so many egotistical men to finally get to this point. all of which i feel was necessary, but that’s a story for another day. i have always known that all people in general are different, but for the most part because i am very stubborn myself and want to delve deeper into understanding why instead of just sweeping things under the rug, it has made dealing with issues tricky and that has resulted in a lot of anger, pain and mistakes in the past.

being someone who questions instead of put up with, i am so lucky to have finally found a partner who is willing to sit with me and talk things out (albeit “talking” not being his comfort zone) – to help me understand in return, how men function. because i feel it truly is important. just as women want men to understand them, as they should; they should also understand men. i used to think that even though i know i’m emotional at times, it is my partner’s duty to just get how my emotions swing back and forth. but i was wrong. it is also my duty to see that sometimes my partner may have a hard time understanding how i think and feel. and the best way to deal with it is by holding off on some emotions, to be rational and explain it in a way that makes sense to the male brain.

at the end of the day, we thrive because of our ability to understand ourselves and each other. in dealing with things, i would not be able to sort through my feelings if my partner does not accept that i am an emotional being. and he would not be able to help me or us, if i don’t understand that he needs me to be logical with myself too. women need to understand that very often, men don’t want or plan to hurt us. they are just oblivious to certain things and don’t realise the effect of what they are doing. and men need to understand that women don’t always mean to react irrationally. you just can be really oblivious which triggers an emotional reaction that sometimes in the heat of the moment, we don’t think about controlling.

relationships are such beautifully tricky things. anyone who knows me would know that i, of all people, have had my fair share of experiences. i thought at so many points i knew what i was doing – til i realised i will never fully know. how do you know with absolute certainty a relationship you’re in is the one until you’re in your death bed and it has lasted til then? you can’t know some things, you can just believe, love and keep trying. very often i hear that that is exactly what makes a relationship last.

as we grow up we come to realise that the real fairy tale happy ending is not what we were led to believe growing up. after the prince saved the princess, they moved in together and discovered each other’s quirky little habits …and got annoyed …and fought …and made up …and repeated this as they learnt to love, understand and accept each other with time.

…and that’s the happily ever after we all hope to find.

love

maybe i don’t let you know often enough how much i truly appreciate your presence in my life and what it has done for me.

i always thought i knew what i wanted from love or a relationship. i searched for the qualities i imagined would make me happy. looked out for signs of forever. but most of the time, all i did was misguide myself.

and then, when i finally stopped looking, i found you.
although it felt more like you smacked right into my face and i could do nothing about the feelings that were overwhelming me.
you who never once tried to impress me or pretended to be anything you were not. you who laid your heart on the line and took a huge risk so we could take a huge risk together and give this the chance it deserved.

maybe sometimes i don’t treat you like the caring, daring, extraordinary person you have always been.

life gets challenging and the everyday things become mundane. people get distracted from appreciating the simple things they bring to each other.

you have no idea how much you have changed my life. me.
i wouldn’t be the stronger person i am today if you weren’t there to hold my hand patiently as i allowed myself to fall and grow to understand things better. i have always felt things intensely, and most people simply can’t handle me in those moments. you make me feel sane and wise at times when others would just call me crazy. you give me space to be myself and support who i am and what i see.

you make me feel beautiful for who i am and not what anyone else thinks a woman should be. you accept me as the non-conforming free spirited soul i have fought hard to hold on to and encourage me to fly even higher. you fill me with dreams i never dared to dream of. you give me peace in the present, hope for the future and the will to keep fighting.

you are my everything. my lover. myself. my best friend. my partner in crime. and together, we can take on the world.

maybe sometimes i don’t express the depth of my gratitude and love. in those moments, know that this is what i will always feel for you, and nothing can take that away.

i love you with everything that i am and i love you forever.
to me, we’re as good as married. even though we haven’t picked a date and will never want to do it the traditional way. but what does that count for anyways? even in times when you’re worried i doubt, i’m never actually doubting. it’s me and you til the end.

me and you being one.

picking a Man

When it comes to picking a man, there are some things I wish I would have realised much earlier on. Coz now, when I look back at a lot of my past relationships, most of it was just unnecessary hassle. I cried, had sleepless nights, fought, spent time/money, and put in a lot of effort into boys and men who really didn’t deserve any of it. I should have used that time to do better things, like travel, make money or paint my toe nails. (Though I’m sure they’re probably saying the same about me)I know many may not agree with my date and dump type technique, but I still don’t regret most of it. The next thing I’m going to say may piss off some people, but I really think it’s true. People are disposable.

Yes, you need to look at it that way. People are disposable, until you find one that’s worth keeping. Let the wrong ones go, because they may be the right ones for other people. Just not you. Perhaps you don’t want to let go of your current guy because you think that you might not do better? Or you just don’t want to be alone? (I’ve been guilty of both). But really, how are you going to find the one special person in this huge ass world of singles, if you’re too afraid to let go of the wrong people?

Sometimes, especially after months of dating all kinds of idiots, I tend to let the man stay a while. Maybe it’s just because he seems like prince charming in comparison to the guys before him. Sometimes I even have moments where I honestly believe that maybe I could change him. Although we all know that that’s practically impossible.

After years of dating the wrong kind of men, I’d like to think that I’m at least able to spot some signs that I’m going to have to let go of a guy so that some other unlucky girl may have him. And hopefully someday I’ll realise that I finally got it right.