Coz well, I know I haven’t been updating.
Even though I’ve been going out practically everyday in the past month, the blog’s been pretty dead since I haven’t got an internet connection. It doesn’t feel the same blogging from the lappie when I’m sitting at starbucks or segafredo. Those places have been like a second home to me in recent times. Just sitting there hanging out with friends. Chilling and sipping on coffee.
I’ve also really picked up smoking again. (I hope my mum doesn’t read this part. If you have, ignore it okay mummy. And don’t read on. Hehe) I’m as close to chain smoking as I’ve ever been. And it’s not a good feeling. I don’t know why I’m so addicted to it now. Maybe coz it really is just relaxing. And I need to relax. Maybe it’s coz smoking makes me sleepy. And i’ve been having problems sleeping again. And that’s why knowing that I smoke because of those said reasons, leaves me feeling SO not good. But ehh. It helps me thru the day. So i’ll worry about the lung cancer and stuff some other day.
Spent the last weekend in KL. Partying my ass off in style. Lol. Okay. So I was actually there for a friend’s birthday. And it’s been quite a while since I’ve enjoyed myself that much. And no I DID NOT GET DRUNK. OR HIGH. OR ANYTHING ELSE. It was just good clean fun. Although the pictures I post up of it a little later on would make it seem like I was not. I’m swearing here that I was. Haha. I’m really missing KL now. But the feeling comes and goes. It’s been that way for the longest time. I guess I just miss the hecticness of it all. Having to go out everyday. Clubbing. Shopping. Hanging out. And even though I’m kinda doing some of that here. It just doesn’t feel the same.
I still think of you all the time. And everything we’ve been through together. And how stupid it is that all of that turned out to be for nothing. I know we’re friends now. But what if I’m really not okay with us being friends? We never learnt to be friends in the first place. How do I go from here to there? It was so much easier when you just chose to ignore me the first time. I wish I could tell you to just do that, coz I know you would. But it just wouldn’t be the same this time. And I just really don’t know what to do.
I’ve lost you. I’ve lost them. And that’s what sucks the most. Coz when you were finally given the chance to prove yourself to be what you’ve always claimed to be, you went and did the exact opposite. You said a long time ago, if you could take back what happened then or at least do it differently, you would. And then you didn’t. And now I suffer again, coz of choices that you had to make. It’s in huge part my own choice too. But I always knew I couldn’t do it alone. And so did you.
Oh and since everyone seems to be blogging about MJ and stuff, I figured it’d only be appropriate for me to mention him a little here. Yes I know he’s the King of Pop. And he did die and all. But I don’t feel the need to have a whole post dedicated to him now. He died a long time ago to me. When he turned completely white and had his nose fall off. Don’t even get me started on the child molestation. So yeah. Doesn’t affect me much. It’s just a pity he had to die before his last curtain call. But no biggie. Not like I was gonna be there anyways.
I lost withyou. I lost you.
It was never supposed to be this way. Even if it ended, even if we weren’t meant to be. We were supposed to always be friends. Always care about each other. But now, everything is different. No messages exchanged. No words spoken.
I take the blame, for not listening, for not changing enough. But I never tried to hurt you, never intentionally.
In my panic, in all the pain, I ruined everything I could have had. And I don’t know which I regret more. Letting go when I shouldn’t have, or holding on til I couldn’t anymore. Would doing it differently have made a difference? I don’t expect you to understand how I feel, when I cant understand it myself.
Sometimes, I wonder what really went wrong. Then sometimes I wonder if anything was right to begin with. We knew before it begun, that it was never supposed to be. But still we gave it a try. So was it just fate that had finally taken its toll on us, or our own doings that had changed what fate had intended?
Will today be any different? Was yesterday? And what about tomorrow?
Shall I hope and wish and pray? And if I do, should it be for the luck to regain what I’ve lost, or the strength to search for what I’ve yet to discover? Who am I suppose to turn to for answers, but myself.
I miss being understood. I miss understanding you. It has been more than a month now. But somehow, it still feels like I was in your arms just yesterday. And I like remembering how it felt. So much so that if I had the chance to erase all memories of you, I don’t know if I would. The saddest part of all, is that….
I still love you, forever and a day.Its weird how you go from being strangers, to being friends, to being more than friends, to being total strangers again