Category Archives: STUFF I WRITE

enigma

life is an enigma. i have always functioned under the assumption that there is some place that you get to in life where everything feels alright. as i have journeyed, it has only become clearer that alright doesn’t really exist. not as a stationary destination you can remain at forever. alright exists in between the currents of life. that moment of stillness after a wave has hit the shore and climbed to its highest, before it retreats back into the ocean. alright is being in the present and experiencing the present for what it is, with no questions or expectations of what things should be could be would be. alright is not an outcome. it is acceptance. and it is ever present as it is fleeting – just as our ability to remain in the now is.

the cyclical nature of life is such that it is constantly throwing you for a loop. questions = answers = certainty = action = experience = uncertainty =  loop. and no matter how much i work out, there is always more to understand. sometimes it is the only reason for hope. other times it is positively maddening. to believe one has it figured out is the work of ego. i have lots of ego. almost as much as i have love. i used to have more. ego, that is. and it fills me with the same familiar emotion – every few years when i make time to read through some old posts – a somewhat mundane realization of how little i understood in regards to what i spoke of prior to the experiences to come.

i think the biggest difference i feel in this stage of life is a sense of unknowing. contrary to the certainty i was prone to feeling in the past. perhaps i was chasing something and felt as though i was getting there. for the first time in my life, i don’t believe there is anything to chase anymore. i have all i could ask for. probably more. yet…there is still this feeling that something is not “alright”. but i no longer know what. nor do i have a plan.

could it be that i have reached my “goal” only to be faced with the reality that in the pursuit of that goal, i glazed over the details that truly mattered? it is wholly true to my character to be so focused on getting what i want that i do not stop to care about how i am getting it. to be impatient and therefor reckless.

or perhaps i have reached my goal and find the lack of something to aim for entirely uncomfortable. because to aim for is all i’ve ever known. all i’ve been taught.

i am allowing myself to sit in this uncertainty a little longer this time. i am widening the gap between questions and answers. and honestly, it feels quite numb. and a tad bit paralyzing. i have moved through most of my life by ego-lead-certainty. how could it be any other way when that is how i was raised? now that i am less certain and less enthusiastic about asserting my opinions, i just feel blank.

i wonder if blankness can be alright. if the absence of certainty and all the thoughts and feelings that form from it is a form of peace? there are moments where i am neither happy nor sad. that moment of stillness. but then the ocean begins to pull back and the lack of happiness, of all things, causes me to feel sad. so i am sad over nothing.

what if i can hold on to that stillness a little longer?

to be present is to quiet yourself. to let your senses take in everything as is. to observe, with no judgement. the sky is blue. the sun is incredibly bright. the fan is making a noise. the wind blows. the trees blow in the wind. the air is hot. my children laugh. or cry. i am reading the words off a book. this book has pictures. my child asks me a question. i think of an answer to the question. i continue reading the book. continue trying to be present.

pot of gold

it’s so much less likely for me to make time to write down the happy things nowadays. that’s because the reality of full time parenting means little to zero time to myself. even when i’m struggling and my thoughts won’t let go of me, i have to make do with an hour in the morning before bambina wakes up. happier times are obviously just spent as a family, in the present. which is why my writing has been erratic and unrefined. it has mutated from something i put a lot of thought into and proofread and correct into just an expression of the thoughts that run through my mind on the spot. but sometimes that’s good. because getting to feel and see my thoughts as the whole truth and nothing but the truth reflects back to me where my mind really is/goes. the pain/fear, the absurdities, my loops. there is no more pretending. and that’s the thing i find with parenting.

there is no longer any space left to pretend. it’s so very real. and the stress of not having any break to put things aside to deal with later can really get to a person. and get in the way of partnership. because the reality is when one has an ounce of personal space, the other is holding the fort down. and vice versa. doing something nice has gone from spending time together to tagging in so the other can tag out. which is an incredible adjustment from being single together. where there was once time for self and then the relationship. of course ideally, the child would be sent off to be taken care of for the day or weekend or to daycare/school for selfish reasons. and i don’t mean selfish in a bad way. everyone needs to selfishly look out for themselves sometimes. but ideal is not always reality. and reality isn’t always ideal.

the beauty is though, that as we journey on and begin to acknowledge the stresses, hardships and sacrifices we individually make/tolerate for each other and the family at large, it begins to feel very much more like teamwork. and in the most clearest of spaces, it feels as though we are one. and the oneness can’t be taken away, even when we are functioning separately. it sounds so obvious, like obviously both partners give their all because of love or the commitment that matter enough to make all these sacrifices. but it is incredibly easy to take things for granted, and not be grateful for all things large and small that we do for each other.

…and here comes bambina…

the truth is, selfishly, i have my expectations of what love should be. and what a relationship should feel like. but life gives you what you need to experience to grow into a better self. not what you want to feed your ego self. every step is an opportunity to go beyond expectation and preconceived notions of what love is into a space of true understanding of love.

and the truth is, as a couple, we are breaking through to that space. sometimes we get stuck and it feels as though i’m banging into a wall, which is what brings me here to sort out my thoughts. but then sometimes we find a way to take that wall down and it feels like a different, much better space than before.

recently, it feels as though we have truly broken through to a space of empowerment and love. the changes on both sides that have set in are monumental. and we have been able to deal with situations in a much more accepting and positive way. it feels “normal”, or more accurately wholesome, which we all know is not actually the norm. so really, it takes a great incredible amount of healing and unlearning to be wholesome. and boy, did it. but with every step we take in the right direction, it shows me that this is all i need. and all i ever asked for. and i am grateful. so today, i’ve made the time to write out some of the happy as well. i’d love to express so much more, but bambina being awake means a chatty toddler in my face and no personal space to form coherent thoughts so off i go.

anxiety

for as long as i can remember, i’ve had this reoccurring nightmare. it took me quite a while to grasp and form into a picture that made sense. it is me – without a form – just an awareness – running on a sphere like object, also formless – at first i am just running along – but as it progresses, the realization that i am unable to get off starts to set in – and with that, fear – and the sphere is rolling faster – and i am running faster – under threat of disappearing under – and the more i think about it, the longer away the “end” feels like – until the end as a concept, has stretched so incredibly far that it ceases to exist – and the swelling panic of there being no end to this torture is so overwhelming that i freeze – and everything freezes – and if i’ve made it this far in the nightmare, i wake up.

 

that paralyzing fear, i now understand – is my anxiety.

 

breathe.

 

anxiety is this large rolling sphere that once you get on, you can’t seem to get off. stuck on that train of thought, on whatever you belief in to be real – fear and panic sets in. your heart beats faster, so much so that you can feel your heart pulsing in your chest and the blood rushing through your veins. you get nervous, uncomfortable – your senses are heightened. you are overstimulated. dizzy. light pierces through your eyes like you are a tiny bug on a gigantic operating table with all the lights on you. you heat up so much that you get cold. you hear every little sound, amplified a hundred times until there is so much pressure within you that it all goes silent. all the senses. and you freeze.

 

it is often paralyzing.

 

breathe.

 

anxiety is finding yourself stuck running, staring into the depths of infinity. it is believing in the worst and seeing absolutely no hope of another possible outcome and therefore no end towards the panic you are feeling. no exit. just the same thoughts increasing in pressure as they play on loop. looping over and over again. loop. because you’ve been through it so often your panic muscles know exactly what to do. loop. and the familiarity of all that fear puts you in that moment of most heightened anxiety within a split second of impact. loop. because anxiety is not really about the situation in front of you, but about anxiety itself. loop. and there’s no coming back because there’s no way out. loop. no exit. just the same thoughts increasing in pressure as they play on. loop.

 

you frantically search for a way out as you spin in circles around yourself. a safe space. a space that is not “this”, whatever “this” is.

 

breathe.

 

anxiety is irrational fears made rational by the mind – taking control over your every being – in the absence of a safe space. and this lack of safe space can be caused by a multitude of experiences which lead to emotions of broken trust and lack of safety. some schools of thought belief the behavioral pattern of anxiety stems from trauma incurred in the formative years of childhood. if a caregiver did not consistently or sufficiently meet your needs for love, affection, approval, care, touch or worse, abused you. and if you find yourself a child, teen or adult – in a situation without someone to go to whom you trust – someone who understands what you’re going through and knows how to be there for you – you freeze. you freeze yourself in, and the world out.

 

breathe.

 

you freeze while you desperately look for the exit. a door for you to open to find sanity waiting with open arms. a door that you have forgotten how to find. because you’re distracted and pulled in all kinds of directions by all your senses. the exit, that is breath.

 

stop.

 

breathe.

 

close your eyes. feel that blood rushing. acknowledge your heart beating fast. breathe. deep inhale. with a slow exhale – ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen. what are you afraid of? breathe. answer those questions, walk down that path. look your fear in the eye and then move past it. breathe…into the space beyond fear. see that there is more. visualize that space. feel it. hold it in your heart. breathe. acknowledge your thoughts. your fears. recognise them as your creation. embrace yourself. your trauma. everything that has lead you up to this point. do not resist it. breathe. know that your trauma is not your fault. acknowledge your pain. let it go. forgive yourself for what you judge yourself for. forgive the reactions. the emotions, panic, irrationality, frustration, anger, violence to come out of the anxiety. forgive yourself. breathe. you are not your trauma. you are the you beneath it all. remind yourself of who you are.

 

breathe.

 

you are love. you are light. you are peace. you are tranquility. you are the sound of the ocean and the breeze blowing through the sky. you are the sunrise and the sunset. the moon, the stars and the galaxy. you are whole. breathe. let go of everything that you cling onto. let go of the defense mechanisms you built over many long years to protect yourself. all the fear. all the paranoia. you are safe. you are alright. breathe. feel your heartbeat stabilize. the pressure start to fade. reality coming back. you are calm. now you can reassess the situation.

 

don’t stop breathing.

 

always remember to breathe. it is the exit door that exists within us that no one can take away. breathe into it. breathe through it.
one breath at a time.

 

i willfully use my anxiety to heal myself. every episode an opportunity to strengthen the muscles of acceptance and inner peace.

 

i visualize my anxiety washing away like grains of sand on the beach with each passing wave.

 

the waves have washed away my nightmare too.

making peace

the time has finally come – for you to face that big one. that major relationship that left an impact so devastating you thought it could never be sent to the folder where past experiences you’ve sorted through and moved on from reside.

you went to poke the beast. you always do. always in hope that the in between was enough time for the beast to transform into something else. something able to look you in the eyes and rise above together. because sometimes you are that beast. and all you need is time and bit of understanding to be ready to heal. some people say don’t bother. but that’s not who you are. you always try. it isn’t always the smartest thing, but you choose to anyways. until the chapter is over.

what transpired took you by surprise. because you thought you had an idea of how things might go either way. but once again, you overlooked all of reality to exist in your fantasy world where everyone wants to make peace. boy were you wrong. goddamn were you wrong.

it genuinely shocks you. you don’t know why. it really shouldn’t. but you really did not expect such a reaction. it sucks. you’d like for it not to, but it does. it’s sad that some things private and personal that you were or had divulged in a space you once considered safe could be used in such a way, twisted beyond recognition. violated. soiled. but you know the truth. and no one can take the truth away from you. 

it makes you think of the past and your journey. of all the years spent wandering about hurt, trying to find love. of all the loneliness. that dark cold loneliness you couldn’t run from no matter how much you tried. always right behind you. lurking in the silent corners of your mind.

you remember the family you once had. a lifetime ago (or so it seems), when you were safe and cherished and things were simple. you feel the inner panic of gradually losing that stable ground. the chaos that ensued as you tried to survive and the constant anxiety of having to – that only made you more needy and codependent.

it makes you think of all the people that crossed your path. those who were good for you. those that were bad. the handful you needed and hurt in the effort of finding your lost self. the stupid choices you made because you were so adamant on not giving a fuck that you chose not to even when you should have. even when you knew as sure as the sun is bright that you were walking into disaster.

you mentally hug your past self. you know how much she needs that compassion and strength with all the pain there was and all the pain to come. you feel melancholic, but more intensely at peace. because you know everything that’s happened has gotten you here. and even though you didn’t get here unscratched, you are so happy here. so very incredibly happy.

only you and you alone know how much effort it’s taken to free yourself from past trauma. to look yourself in the soul and come to terms with the choices you made and the things that happened for you.

and you know now – everything that happens, happens for you and not to you. never to you. and this just so happened to be the journey you needed to take towards self discovery, self worth and self love. because only through learning to love yourself could you then begin to love others the way you’ve always wanted to, with compassion and acceptance. to then create a family based on that truth, for the best odds at maintaining a loving space for your children to always count on.

to save them from what you went through.

you have always known the trigger point of everything falling apart. you set out to do different. it has always been that steady beacon of light. even when you lost your mind, you very much still had your sight. and you never gave in. you never let anything blacken your heart so much you couldn’t live with yourself. you just kept getting back up and moving forward, you warrior. you got here. you did it.

it took as much strength to power through the earlier pain as it did to be vulnerable and truthful in the healing process later on. you have by now forgiven yourself. and with this chapter coming to an end, you feel the remainder of sadness and pain of a time before start to fade as well.

so steady, as if it has been waiting to be set free. you hold on to it for just a little bit longer. a reminder of what made you YOU. a reminder that contained in that darkness was your greatest potential for light.

thorex

we finally have a desktop after both laptops dying. it’s been a long almost 3 months and i’ve been frustrated to the point of insanity at not being able to just sit here and write. but i find it impossible to just write for the sake of writing now, so i guess i’ll have to wait for the flow to return.

gosh does it feel great to be typing on a keyboard again!