Category Archives: me talking to myself

enigma

life is an enigma. i have always functioned under the assumption that there is some place that you get to in life where everything feels alright. as i have journeyed, it has only become clearer that alright doesn’t really exist. not as a stationary destination you can remain at forever. alright exists in between the currents of life. that moment of stillness after a wave has hit the shore and climbed to its highest, before it retreats back into the ocean. alright is being in the present and experiencing the present for what it is, with no questions or expectations of what things should be could be would be. alright is not an outcome. it is acceptance. and it is ever present as it is fleeting – just as our ability to remain in the now is.

the cyclical nature of life is such that it is constantly throwing you for a loop. questions = answers = certainty = action = experience = uncertainty =  loop. and no matter how much i work out, there is always more to understand. sometimes it is the only reason for hope. other times it is positively maddening. to believe one has it figured out is the work of ego. i have lots of ego. almost as much as i have love. i used to have more. ego, that is. and it fills me with the same familiar emotion – every few years when i make time to read through some old posts – a somewhat mundane realization of how little i understood in regards to what i spoke of prior to the experiences to come.

i think the biggest difference i feel in this stage of life is a sense of unknowing. contrary to the certainty i was prone to feeling in the past. perhaps i was chasing something and felt as though i was getting there. for the first time in my life, i don’t believe there is anything to chase anymore. i have all i could ask for. probably more. yet…there is still this feeling that something is not “alright”. but i no longer know what. nor do i have a plan.

could it be that i have reached my “goal” only to be faced with the reality that in the pursuit of that goal, i glazed over the details that truly mattered? it is wholly true to my character to be so focused on getting what i want that i do not stop to care about how i am getting it. to be impatient and therefor reckless.

or perhaps i have reached my goal and find the lack of something to aim for entirely uncomfortable. because to aim for is all i’ve ever known. all i’ve been taught.

i am allowing myself to sit in this uncertainty a little longer this time. i am widening the gap between questions and answers. and honestly, it feels quite numb. and a tad bit paralyzing. i have moved through most of my life by ego-lead-certainty. how could it be any other way when that is how i was raised? now that i am less certain and less enthusiastic about asserting my opinions, i just feel blank.

i wonder if blankness can be alright. if the absence of certainty and all the thoughts and feelings that form from it is a form of peace? there are moments where i am neither happy nor sad. that moment of stillness. but then the ocean begins to pull back and the lack of happiness, of all things, causes me to feel sad. so i am sad over nothing.

what if i can hold on to that stillness a little longer?

to be present is to quiet yourself. to let your senses take in everything as is. to observe, with no judgement. the sky is blue. the sun is incredibly bright. the fan is making a noise. the wind blows. the trees blow in the wind. the air is hot. my children laugh. or cry. i am reading the words off a book. this book has pictures. my child asks me a question. i think of an answer to the question. i continue reading the book. continue trying to be present.

making peace

the time has finally come – for you to face that big one. that major relationship that left an impact so devastating you thought it could never be sent to the folder where past experiences you’ve sorted through and moved on from reside.

you went to poke the beast. you always do. always in hope that the in between was enough time for the beast to transform into something else. something able to look you in the eyes and rise above together. because sometimes you are that beast. and all you need is time and bit of understanding to be ready to heal. some people say don’t bother. but that’s not who you are. you always try. it isn’t always the smartest thing, but you choose to anyways. until the chapter is over.

what transpired took you by surprise. because you thought you had an idea of how things might go either way. but once again, you overlooked all of reality to exist in your fantasy world where everyone wants to make peace. boy were you wrong. goddamn were you wrong.

it genuinely shocks you. you don’t know why. it really shouldn’t. but you really did not expect such a reaction. it sucks. you’d like for it not to, but it does. it’s sad that some things private and personal that you were or had divulged in a space you once considered safe could be used in such a way, twisted beyond recognition. violated. soiled. but you know the truth. and no one can take the truth away from you. 

it makes you think of the past and your journey. of all the years spent wandering about hurt, trying to find love. of all the loneliness. that dark cold loneliness you couldn’t run from no matter how much you tried. always right behind you. lurking in the silent corners of your mind.

you remember the family you once had. a lifetime ago (or so it seems), when you were safe and cherished and things were simple. you feel the inner panic of gradually losing that stable ground. the chaos that ensued as you tried to survive and the constant anxiety of having to – that only made you more needy and codependent.

it makes you think of all the people that crossed your path. those who were good for you. those that were bad. the handful you needed and hurt in the effort of finding your lost self. the stupid choices you made because you were so adamant on not giving a fuck that you chose not to even when you should have. even when you knew as sure as the sun is bright that you were walking into disaster.

you mentally hug your past self. you know how much she needs that compassion and strength with all the pain there was and all the pain to come. you feel melancholic, but more intensely at peace. because you know everything that’s happened has gotten you here. and even though you didn’t get here unscratched, you are so happy here. so very incredibly happy.

only you and you alone know how much effort it’s taken to free yourself from past trauma. to look yourself in the soul and come to terms with the choices you made and the things that happened for you.

and you know now – everything that happens, happens for you and not to you. never to you. and this just so happened to be the journey you needed to take towards self discovery, self worth and self love. because only through learning to love yourself could you then begin to love others the way you’ve always wanted to, with compassion and acceptance. to then create a family based on that truth, for the best odds at maintaining a loving space for your children to always count on.

to save them from what you went through.

you have always known the trigger point of everything falling apart. you set out to do different. it has always been that steady beacon of light. even when you lost your mind, you very much still had your sight. and you never gave in. you never let anything blacken your heart so much you couldn’t live with yourself. you just kept getting back up and moving forward, you warrior. you got here. you did it.

it took as much strength to power through the earlier pain as it did to be vulnerable and truthful in the healing process later on. you have by now forgiven yourself. and with this chapter coming to an end, you feel the remainder of sadness and pain of a time before start to fade as well.

so steady, as if it has been waiting to be set free. you hold on to it for just a little bit longer. a reminder of what made you YOU. a reminder that contained in that darkness was your greatest potential for light.

empty

sometimes you think you know a person, and then you realise you really, truly, as a matter of factly do not. that no matter how much you hope and try to see the good or beautiful in a person, some people really just do not rise to the occasion and disappoint the crap out of you.

and there is nothing you can do to control someone else’s course of action or decisions in their life. all you have is your blind faith, even when someone gives you no reason to believe – that the tipping point is just around the corner – and that little last effort of hanging on will get you over. that if you quit now, you might be quitting just a moment too soon. and if it’s a moment away, how bad can it hurt to just wait?

so you wait. then you wait some more. and as you feel like you’re about to give up, you push through it and keep waiting…and continue waiting until it drains you of the very love and faith that once kept you going.

and then you’re empty.

empty because you waited on someone who didn’t see you waiting. you waited patiently as they took their time doing whatever they felt like doing, when they felt like doing it for anything, anyone else but you. you waited stupidly as they didn’t give a single fuck about you.

then you are at a crossroad again. the only thing you have control over is your own choice. should you protect yourself and walk away because giving someone the power to take away your time and peace of mind is not worth it? or do you stay because sacrifice for something other than yourself is the most selfless thing one can do?

this isn’t a game. life, isn’t a game. you can’t pause it, you can’t ask for help. it’s a decision you have to make that determines the next part of your journey. you have to choose – and you have to choose now.

……so what will it be?

stop this train

you have a train of thought on which you ride when you are alone and quietly thinking. the self-worth you feel, as well as the happiness your life brings, depends upon the direction in which this train is moving, the baggage it carries and the emotional space through which it travels. between life’s stimulus and your reaction is where this space exists, within it is your power to choose how you react, and in your reaction lies your growth, freedom and happiness.

peace of mind. it’s one of those elusive things that money just can’t seem to buy. not that i would have the money for it – had it been up for sale. i don’t think i ever truly realised until recently, how important having some peace and quiet is to me. i always took for granted, my tendency to feel like taking a break from the world, to run back home, to drown myself in a project and actively meditate.

the world is a loud and noisy place. too many people, too many thoughts, too many opinions. i find, it doesn’t matter to me what anyone thinks anymore. i never did care too much but now, as long as i know i’m trying my best to let go of the comfortable restrictions that hold me back and change the inner workings of my mind for the better, i’m not opening up my space to let intruders in.

as i said before, it’s been 8 years of craziness. the past year’s been beautiful in it’s own way but what i really want to do now is completely remove myself from clutter for a bit to focus on my space and self healing. my greatest task now isn’t to find love, but to discover and destroy all the barriers within myself that i have unknowingly built against it. and once i have, i will be able to offer more to the people around me than i can now.

i believe it’s important to take a break every now and then. not an escape where you run from stress and your worries, pretend they don’t exist then go back to the same thing – but a breather after you’ve worked hard to reach a checkpoint in your life. a fresh mind before stepping into a new phase.

i am fortunate to be able to say i would like to spend half a year in peace and quiet. but i’ve also fought the currents of life hard to get here. ultimately, it’s not what you do every once in a while; it’s what you dedicate yourself to on a regular basis that makes the difference and i dedicate myself to living this way.

you are only destined to become one person – the person you decide to be. stay true to yourself. never be ashamed of doing what feels right. and don’t worry if your goals seem crazy to other people, oftentimes the crazy ideas are the ones that have the greatest impact ;)

Another lesson learnt.

I’ve never really been my own person before. For such a long time, I was always just “someone’s girlfriend”. Sure I say I’ve been independent. But in the sense that I don’t depend on my parents to take care of me. Or that I don’t actually stay at home with a family. But like I said, I’ve always been a girlfriend. I’ve moved away from home for the boyfriend. Changed cliques of friends for that reason too and basically readjusted everything to them. I’ve ignored my own friends at times because I get so caught up playing the part of “a girlfriend” and I forget to do things for myself. 
Whether it was intentional or not at those points, I can’t really remember. But I know I’ve always been willing to make those changes because I’ve always felt like I needed someone around who actually cared about me. 
How wrong was I?!

What on earth has any guy ever done but cause more drama in my life. It’s not like any of them have ever moved to where I was to be with me. It was never expected, coz I don’t mind moving. I adapt to new places pretty easily. But none of them have asked me to move to where they were and provided me a place to stay. No. They ask, then I figure the rest out on my own. I’ve never been with a guy who’s worked his ass off to take care of me either. There are things I have done that I wouldn’t be proud of, but not once have I dated a guy because he had money. 

I’ve always just wanted love. It’s the one thing that’s been missing from my life and I’ve been so willing to sacrifice everything else just to get it from a boyfriend. And at the end of the day, I didn’t even get that. 
I was once on the right track. I had passion, a goal, and the drive to push myself to do better in life. Then I got all stupid. Well, time to unstupify myself! Enough with guys. 
I have friends. Amazing friends who make time for me, offer me support when I’m down, let me into their lives, open up their homes to me when my boyfriend (whichever one) can’t. And on top of that, they give endless reasons to laugh and be happy. Why the hell have I not seen that before?

Between them and myself, I have all that I need to be okay. My life doesn’t need to revolve around some guy. And I can definitely function without being a girlfriend. Of course someday I’ll reach a point where I’d want that again. But I don’t want to allow myself to get there anytime soon. I’ve been single for 4 months now. That’s longer than the combined amount of time I’ve been single over the past 6 years. God. 6 years. Has it really been that long?

2011 has been a significant year to me so far. I’ve learnt to be a better friend, to be more positive about life, to be on my own. And now I just have to push myself to do things because I want to do it for myself, and not coz someone expects me to. I’m not gonna fool myself into believing that this is the end of life’s problems. Life’s a never-ending journey. But years from now, I get to look back and know that I took a big step right around now. And as long as I continue to grow, things should turn out alright.