I know you’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and here’s what you’ve realized.
You’re a small town girl.
You don’t really enjoy going out to the clubs anymore. You don’t love getting drunk (never have really), you don’t feel the need to party like crazy all the time. Don’t get me wrong. I know you wouldn’t say no to friends who ask you out, but it’s not because you really want to see some artist perform, or go for some event. It’s because you want to spend that time with them (goes back to your “feeling like a part of the group” issue). You’re never the most wasted one at the end of the night. In fact you think you actually like the feeling of being sober enough to take care of other people.
You don’t need to buy the trendiest shoes or clothes or go shopping all the time, the only times you go to malls nowadays is when you need to get something important (toiletries/groceries/fixing your laptop). You wouldn’t kill to have the latest gadgets or the coolest things. You don’t even have dreams of having more money than you could spend or living in a huge ass house like most people would.
You watch cooking programs on tv instead of 90210. You can’t be bothered to download gossip girl episodes anymore. Don’t even know what season they’re in now. Coz, what’s the freaking point, right?
You’ve been torn between KL and Penang for the past 4 and a half years. Back and forth, back and forth. Trying to live in both places without making a solid choice. The problem’s never been about “missing out on fun KL events” or “Penang being too boring”. The problem is that in all those years of not sitting down and thinking about what you were doing, you ended up making a significant amount of friends in KL, and losing touch with some you had in Penang. I’m aware that that’s the reason you never stayed in either place for too long. Live in KL, miss your friends and family in Penang. Live in Penang, miss your friends in KL. Your life is balanced in the worst way possible. How do you choose where to settle down when you feel like you have no home and 2 homes at the same time?
I believe that what you want, or have always wanted, is to have love. And a family. You someday want to stay at home and watch your children grow up. You grew up watching your mum and grandmother do that. They were and still are homebodies. You went through stubborn teenage years and reacted to your parent’s separation by running, when you shouldn’t have.
You’re so happy being home now and having your own time to do your own things. Housework, cooking, going for a swim in the afternoons, randomly hanging out with people. You never really enjoyed the hectic KL lifestyle. You hate traffic jams. You hate how the cost of living is ridiculously higher in comparison to Penang. You hate how everyone’s always busy and how eventually they all give in and take part in that rat race to career or social “perfection”.
At some point, you were aware of the fact that you enjoy simplicity. But ever so predictably, you allowed yourself to get distracted and stopped thinking about what really mattered in your life. You’ve been trying to look for your happily ever after in a place where people have completely different mentalities, lifestyles and habits.
Ideally, you would like to settle down in a not-so-hectic place, wouldn’t you? Get involved with a social welfare organization. Orphanages, old folks homes. Volunteer whenever you can. Do charity work. Travel a little once in a while. Have a real home to go back to and not have to worry about being split down the middle.
You’re now aware that the one thing holding you back is the way you miss people too damn much, too damn fast. Your head knows it likes the relaxed Penang lifestyle more. But your heart’s stuck in KL/PJ with the people you have grown to love. Unfortunately in this case, your heart’s the one that does the aching. In order to stay in Penang, you would have to forcefully let go of everyone and everything in KL/PJ then rebuild your life and friendships solely in Penang. I know you doubt the former is something you can do. I honestly doubt it too.
So looks like it’s back to square one again eh? I wish you the best of luck.