Category Archives: STUFF I WRITE

three

my cousin is visiting this week. so we went to visit another cousin. we’re all so far apart that we hardly see each other at all. but it’s beautiful how the love is still there. how it still feels like family. distance makes no dent in love.

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i also painted my guitar. i love how it looks, but i don’t feel it’s complete yet. couldn’t leave the strings off for too long though, because i missed playing it almost instantly. so i guess i’ll have to pain it in stages.

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Untitled-1today, i feel i came back in full swing. functional, multitasking, active me. i did laundry, cut the grass, tidied up the house, finished a project and made some money, cooked, changed all the sheets and sorted out the laundry. all by 10pm.

which makes me really think that the cloud of doom and gloom has lifted.

but just in case it decides to return, i’m documenting the good days for myself as a reminder that everything is and will be okay.

i really like being functional. being pregnant was tiring. having to nap or feel like collapsing by (not even) the end of the night. i would love to be pregnant again anytime, but for now i’ll try to enjoy this as much as i can.

empty

sometimes you think you know a person, and then you realise you really, truly, as a matter of factly do not. that no matter how much you hope and try to see the good or beautiful in a person, some people really just do not rise to the occasion and disappoint the crap out of you.

and there is nothing you can do to control someone else’s course of action or decisions in their life. all you have is your blind faith, even when someone gives you no reason to believe – that the tipping point is just around the corner – and that little last effort of hanging on will get you over. that if you quit now, you might be quitting just a moment too soon. and if it’s a moment away, how bad can it hurt to just wait?

so you wait. then you wait some more. and as you feel like you’re about to give up, you push through it and keep waiting…and continue waiting until it drains you of the very love and faith that once kept you going.

and then you’re empty.

empty because you waited on someone who didn’t see you waiting. you waited patiently as they took their time doing whatever they felt like doing, when they felt like doing it for anything, anyone else but you. you waited stupidly as they didn’t give a single fuck about you.

then you are at a crossroad again. the only thing you have control over is your own choice. should you protect yourself and walk away because giving someone the power to take away your time and peace of mind is not worth it? or do you stay because sacrifice for something other than yourself is the most selfless thing one can do?

this isn’t a game. life, isn’t a game. you can’t pause it, you can’t ask for help. it’s a decision you have to make that determines the next part of your journey. you have to choose – and you have to choose now.

……so what will it be?

stop this train

you have a train of thought on which you ride when you are alone and quietly thinking. the self-worth you feel, as well as the happiness your life brings, depends upon the direction in which this train is moving, the baggage it carries and the emotional space through which it travels. between life’s stimulus and your reaction is where this space exists, within it is your power to choose how you react, and in your reaction lies your growth, freedom and happiness.

peace of mind. it’s one of those elusive things that money just can’t seem to buy. not that i would have the money for it – had it been up for sale. i don’t think i ever truly realised until recently, how important having some peace and quiet is to me. i always took for granted, my tendency to feel like taking a break from the world, to run back home, to drown myself in a project and actively meditate.

the world is a loud and noisy place. too many people, too many thoughts, too many opinions. i find, it doesn’t matter to me what anyone thinks anymore. i never did care too much but now, as long as i know i’m trying my best to let go of the comfortable restrictions that hold me back and change the inner workings of my mind for the better, i’m not opening up my space to let intruders in.

as i said before, it’s been 8 years of craziness. the past year’s been beautiful in it’s own way but what i really want to do now is completely remove myself from clutter for a bit to focus on my space and self healing. my greatest task now isn’t to find love, but to discover and destroy all the barriers within myself that i have unknowingly built against it. and once i have, i will be able to offer more to the people around me than i can now.

i believe it’s important to take a break every now and then. not an escape where you run from stress and your worries, pretend they don’t exist then go back to the same thing – but a breather after you’ve worked hard to reach a checkpoint in your life. a fresh mind before stepping into a new phase.

i am fortunate to be able to say i would like to spend half a year in peace and quiet. but i’ve also fought the currents of life hard to get here. ultimately, it’s not what you do every once in a while; it’s what you dedicate yourself to on a regular basis that makes the difference and i dedicate myself to living this way.

you are only destined to become one person – the person you decide to be. stay true to yourself. never be ashamed of doing what feels right. and don’t worry if your goals seem crazy to other people, oftentimes the crazy ideas are the ones that have the greatest impact ;)

Interesting Facts?

Been stuck at home the past 2 days no thanks to a not-so-mild case of food poisoning. Been resting and re-hydrating as best as I can, but haven’t been able to sleep properly. Thought I’d make good use of the extra free time (not that I don’t usually have plenty of that) by updating here. And thanks to Melissa aka ms. sgrmse, I don’t have to wreck my brain coming up with something to post.
Got tagged for some kinda blog award. And from what I see, I’m supposed to share 7 things about myself, then pass it on. So here goes . . . . . . . . 
– I feel short compared to most people, even though I’m probably not. I’ve just always wanted to be so much taller. 
– I ran away from home once (in my teenage years). I don’t remember exactly how long I managed to pull it off before my parents found me. My guess would be anywhere between a week to 3. And yes, I believe it was worth the trouble and punishment. 
– If I had the chance to start again, I’d do almost nothing differently. I fully believe that everything that has happened in the past has put me here today. And I’ve never felt more at home than right here, right now. 
– I’ve never been stereotypically cool. I kind of go my own way and do what I want to do.
– I get along better with some men than I do with most women. I generally prefer hanging out with men solely for the absence of drama. I hate all the bitching and backstabbing that is part and parcel of most female-female friendships. (Although I have on occasions came across men that would put any bitchy woman to shame!)
– I’ve always wanted a BestFriendForever. Someone I’ve known for a bajillion years whom I’d do everything with and would not be able to go a week without. Unfortunately, I’ve never found someone who’s on the exact same wavelength as I am, and until I do, I refuse to fake such a friendship.
– I am always behind in the music department. I don’t pay attention to what’s “new” and it takes me a while to warm up to a new genre of music once I discover it. 
That wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I guess I love/know myself well enough to put it into words.  Throwing in an extra one, just for fun.

– Sometimes when I’m using my laptop, I end up spending a good amount of time staring at my own before and after photos. It’s just taken me a lot of hard work and self control to get to where I am now, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with appreciating it.

Feb 2011                                                 Feb 2012

I now pass the award on to :-