Category Archives: u-know-who

Looking Back

Fergalicious would have played every time I received a message on my red Sony Ericsson W550i phone which I loved so much. Akon was at the top of his game. Songs like Smack That and I Wanna Fuck You were playing in clubs everywhere. Justin Timberlake’s lyrics from What Goes Around was stuck in my head and we would soon discover that it would stay that way for sometime.
I had just watched Mandy Moore in Because I Said So. A movie you wouldn’t hear of for a long time because for some reason the shop I bought my DVD’s from was way more updated than yours. Kal Penn was as sexy as ever in Epic Movie. And Dream Girls was creating a buzz that I would never understand. Turned out to be a big disappointment and a waste of time to watch for me.
Tori Spelling, Mel B, Jaime Presley and Marcia Cross were in their third trimester of pregnancies. I wondered how long it’d be before the baby boom began to hit celebrities we grew up with. You know, those barely talented tween girls that Disney once made famous – Hillary Duff, Alyson Michalka, Raven Symone, Ashley Tisdale, Vanessa Hudgens etc.
Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were only a couple of months away from beginning their journey through getting arrested, being sent to rehab and going to jail. Anna Nicole Smith had just died of an overdose. News of it was all over the internet and Astro channels, although it took me a while to even figure out who she was. Not that I cared anyways after that.

It would have been a momentous month for many different people all around the world. It was even the month that Barack Obama made his life changing presidential announcement. But for some reason, all I can think about is the fact that it was the month that marked the beginning of a journey. One that would affect the rest of my life in ways I wouldn’t even have been able to imagine then.
Many years have passed but yet these feelings don’t seem to disappear. Sometimes I wonder what life would be now if I could go back and re-do just those couple of days. Maybe it would have allowed me to be a different person right now. Someone I actually really enjoyed looking at in the mirror.

What Hit Me Today

It hit me today that yeah, I still think about you. Not as much as I used to. And not in the same way. But there are moments where my mind spaces and I wonder how you’re doing there. It’s weird, no longer having you at the back of my mind in that way all the time. I remember those long eight months where there wasn’t a moment in which I was not thinking about you. I worked so hard on hiding it then. I’m really glad I don’t have to anymore.
It’d be a lie to say that I don’t miss how you used to do the stupidest little things that made me giggle uncontrollably. Or that there’s been someone that has crossed my life who has made as much difference as you did. But after an extremely long time of letting myself hurt over you, I realized today that i’m really not hurting anymore. I guess now i’m just waiting to let someone in again. To open up, trust wholeheartedly and love blindly once more.

3 years since

It’s nearly 3 years to the date that things started. Longer since I’ve known you. It’s taken some time, but I think today I finally feel like everything happened for a reason. And I know what the reason is. Everything I went through with you, has helped me in understanding guys, relationships, people in general and well, myself. I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did today if it weren’t for the similar experiences I had with you.
I’m trying to fix with him what I couldn’t with you. Right the wrongs before I allow them to even happen. I’m hoping it doesn’t come to this, but even if it means doing the hardest thing and being there for him as he goes for her. I’m still gonna try. Harder than I ever have. Coz at some point, I’ve got to learn that bitterness and revenge isn’t the way to handle these things. And sometimes it helps keeping certain people around in my life. I lost you. I lost so much with you. I can’t afford to do that again. There’d be too many regrets this time around.
I don’t know how silly it is to be writing this to you. Knowing that you probably don’t drop by here anymore. However if for some reason you end up reading this, I want to thank you. For the experience. For the lessons learnt. Regrets don’t disappear, neither will the love or hate. What we went through was too much for even the strongest of people to handle. But for that I truly am thankful. You have thought me how to tap into the strength I’ve always had inside that will probably help me get through the rest of my life.
Equals.Close bracket.

In loving memory

In loving memory of what was, and what I always dreamt would be.
“I love you ______________

That’s where your name goes.

No matter how many times you hurt me.
No matter how much pain I feel, or tears I shed.

My heart is yours.
Not a little corner, or a crack or just some space in it.
It is yours.
I am yours.

When you fall short, when we fall short.
I still know we’re gonna be alright.

You’re my forever.
You’re my always.”
But today I let go.
I’ve done that bit by bit over time that today, it finally feels like there’s almost nothing left to let go of.
I let go because I realise that you’re no longer my right kind of wrong.
I let go because I realise that I don’t love you like I did yesterday anymore.
We’ll always have those 3 years.
And the memories that it’s left us with.

little miracles

Yesterday, I found out how much I could hurt.
Yesterday, I found out how little you really cared.
I’ve never once claimed to have not made mistakes. I’ve never once said that I am in any way perfect. And all I’ve expected from you at this point is honesty. A little courage to tell me the truth when you knew you were doing something that was eventually gonna hurt me. I told you straight up, I’d be shocked. I’d freak. But how could you not expect a reaction? I am after all, just human as well. And you need to give me time to accept something and be okay with it. Which I would, eventually.
I’ve managed to be strong through everything else. To be understanding with your fucked up situation and your inability to make choices and stand by it. I’ve been strong for the both of us, when you couldn’t anymore. But when I can’t sleep at night, when I no longer want to get up in the mornings, I know you’ve pushed it way to far for it to even be the least bit fair anymore.
I carried our babies for 3 months. The second time around. I took care of myself, and them. I believed in your plan to keep it a secret til we couldn’t anymore, then go through with it no matter what your family said. Having it not be our first time dealing with it, I trusted you enough to think that you’d meant it when you said this was a second chance to make up for all those “regrets” you claimed to have about our past.
I kept it from my friends. From my family. From yours. Every time I felt like I couldn’t do it alone, I had to stop and think about the consequences it’d have on your life if people started to find out. And I barely told anyone. I had to keep it from my own best friend for so long in fear she’d tell your cousin. Tell me, how is it in any way fair? and after all that, when the shit hit the fan like we’d been expecting all all along, you turned around and told me, you couldn’t do it with me anymore.
I fought myself for weeks, trying to figure out how I’d be able to do it without you. And in the end, I gave in. Because you couldn’t deal with doing it with me and walking away from your family. And you wouldn’t let me have them myself coz you wouldn’t get to know them. You were such a fucking coward! Yet I still stood by you.
After everything, I’d expect you to seriously be man enough to not lie to me about things that are going on. After everything, guilt aside, you freaking owe it to me for the shit you’ve put me through. What are you worried about? That I’d do something silly and extreme? What have I not gone through with you. What have I not learnt to deal with? I’ve bounced back better than anyone else you’d ever know.
I really don’t want to care about anything that’s going on in your life, but when it hasn’t even been a month since the operation, and we haven’t even sat down to talk about it all, and you’re already dating. How am I to not care. And the saddest part is, I don’t even have to ask about you for people to come running to tell me what you’ve been up to.
I want them to shut the fuck up.
I want to get past this.
I want to not hate you, so that I can live my life in peace.
Right now, the past barely affects me anymore. What we had the first time around, and the things we went through, I know it’s all thought me to be a much stronger person. And I know I could make it through almost anything. It doesn’t even hurt knowing I’m not with you. I came to terms with that some time ago. What really hurts is that I trusted you when you said you knew what a hard choice it was for me to make. And that you’d be there with me through the process of getting past it no matter what.
It’s barely been a month. And you’re dating because you don’t care enough to wait for something real. And a malay girl of all things. Like I’ve always said. It’s one thing to hurt me when you know what you’re doing is worth the trouble. It is a totally different thing to do it just because.
All I really feel like saying now is give me back my babies!
You have no idea how stupid I feel for giving it all up to make it work for you, and then have you turn your back and treat me like this. But once again, I’ve got to suck it up and learn to deal with it. Coz if I didn’t, you’d be dead by now. I don’t want to continue making the wrong choices because of you. I know I’m the one that has to walk away and be the bigger person. Why is it that you find it so hard to just not do anything for now and let me heal. Mentally, physically, emotionally.
Yesterday, I found out how much I could hurt.
Yesterday, I found out how little you really cared.