Category Archives: u-know-who

Warning : Very Long Post

Okay. This is gonna be a very VERY long post. I can’t possible exaggerate how long this post is gonna be. I’m just feeling very…well, alone right now.
So here’s what I came across on facebook.

If you didn’t click and enlarge the first photo, well that’s a photo my dad posted up on his facebook. And I didn’t notice it til just now, because I guess my dad hasn’t figured out how to tag people in pictures yet. Below it is the comment he made.
I’ve always had a very shaky relationship with my dad, due to many different issues over the past few years. From teenage rebellion to my parents’ divorce. And well, we’ve fought on many different occasions too. It wasn’t til recently when I moved out again that things started to get better (due to the lack of reasons to fight). Many years ago, after I had stopped form 6 and eventually decided to start work, I remember clearly having a disagreement with dad over what I was to do with my life. And the one thing I remember saying was “Why can’t you just be proud of what I’ve done instead of telling me what I should do?” Then today I saw that. And it totally caught me off guard. Like really completely off guard. And as I stared at the picture and what my dad had said, my eyes got watery and that’s when I realized “Oh no. Here comes the emo’ing”.
I don’t even know if he thought about what he was typing or it was just something that crossed his mind at that moment, but hello! There’s no way i’m taking that for granted! I don’t think anyone understands how much meaning a simple line like that can hold. I’ve waited a good 4 years to know that my dad’s proud of me. It’s amazing to finally be at this point.
It makes me miss having a family so so SO much more! I’ve never been the type to wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s been especially that way when it comes to family. A long time ago, I told myself that I didn’t care. I didn’t care if my dad didn’t love me or that my mum wasn’t here. I didn’t care if they didn’t know what was going on in my life or how I felt. I told myself that I wouldn’t care, if they didn’t care about me. But truth is, I lied. I cared every single day. I cared every time something big happened in my life and they’re weren’t there. I cared when I needed someone to talk to and realized it wasn’t going to be them. I cared when I turned 21, and they didn’t celebrate it with me.
I’d give anything to have a picture perfect family. Really, everything. Money isn’t happiness. Neither are countless valuables. I guess to me, happiness comes in feeling loved. In knowing that someone needs you around. That someone cares beyond words. Happiness is having a family. Because when everyone else fails, it’s your family who’s supposed to be there. Family never walks away. No matter what.
People who have lost a parent always say “At least both your parents are alive”. And even though I appreciate the fact that I have a living set of parents, what they don’t get is how hard it is being in this situation as well. Having parents that separated just a few years ago leaves a big big wound. It takes years for people to heal. For people to forgive. And do those people know what it’s like to have a parent tell you that they can’t love you because all they see in you is the pain the other parent has caused? No. Do those people understand how hard it is to be stuck in the middle trying not to choose sides and then be accused of taking one? No. Do those people understand the pain of hating themselves when they feel like they’ve caused that separation? Hell no! So if you’re one of those people, just shut up for a while and understand that you’re not the only that’s having a hard time.
I know that it is this need to feel loved that has played a huge part in my dating history. Sometimes it’s comforting to know that someone is there to make me wanted everyday. Even if I don’t think I’d ever love the person in return. Sometimes I love so much that it practically drives the other person away. Coz I guess I want someone to love me that crazily. And you treat others how you want to be treated in return right. But at the end of that process of trying to fill this empty loneliness that I feel, I’ve made some very poor choices and ended up feeling just as lonely as before.
I don’t know if giving up is the right thing to do. When you know you love someone, you know it right. It’s this feeling that just can’t be replaced. And it’s hard not having that person in your life. Because that’s what causes the loneliness. Having people who cared and then losing them is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
I miss you dad.
I miss you mummy.
I miss you Ronny.
And I miss you Jermaine.
After everything I’ve said, I realize that as people grow up and life goes on, family changes from what you’re born into, to what you choose to have. I will always want my parents to love me. And to be close to my brother.

But more than anything, I want that future with you. It’s not this silly little dream I once had. It’s this feeling. This knowing that life couldn’t get any better than having a family with you. It has been so hard to let you go. I may not cry over it or let myself think about what if‘s anymore, but deep down I know, it’s you. Even if I don’t get the happy ending I want, and this doesn’t change a damn thing. It will always be you.
I need a hug now.
Badly.

This Game We Play

I am never able to find the right words to express what you mean to me.
No matter how much I try and try, I always fall short.

I know we fight, and hurt each other still. I admit that I play an equal part in that.
We just know each other too well to know which buttons to push.
And sometimes I just can’t help it, even if I see what’s coming.

I know you think that I don’t try. But I really do.
Sometimes it feels like we’re never gonna get through this. But then again, there are those moments that we still share that makes it feel like it’ll be okay.

You confuse me.
When you choose to be, you can be the most annoying, inconsiderate person I’ve had to deal with.
But I don’t hate you. I never could.
Coz I know you well enough to know that you do that in your moments of weakness.
And if we’re to grow through this friendship, it’s something I’ve got to really learn to understand.

I realise that with all the drama that’s been going on the past few months, I haven’t really been able to tell you how much I appreciate everything you did for me.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that you feel I didn’t see how much you try.
I’m sorry that I still asked for more.
I’ve always been aware of the trouble you’ve gone through for me.
And for that I am thankful.

I spend a bundle of my time thinking about what we’ve been through.
What we’ve lost, and how things could have been.
And I don’t know if it means anything to you anymore, that I still care.
Coz sometimes it really feels like you don’t.

I realise things have changed and I can’t run to you and expect to hear that you love me.
Or for you to wrap me in your arms tightly and kiss away the worries.
Although I wish you would, all the time.
But I wish there was a way for us to still talk, the way we used to.

I miss having you around. I miss you understanding me.
You’re the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten in my life. My best “mistake”.

I wouldn’t be the me I am today if it wasn’t for you.

I’d find other words to say it, but my mind goes blank.
Therefore, I love you.
Coz sometimes, as hard as it gets, it’s just as simple as that.

She was Fine

She was fine.

Then she heard a familiar song playing. One that she had avoided listening to for so long. But she couldn’t seem to turn it off this time. Even though it had been such a long time, she could still sing to the lyrics or hum to the tune. And as she listened on, she couldn’t help but remember him.

The song. Their song. She remembered him, sitting on his chair, playing the song for her the very first time. She remembered him telling her, it would be the first song they’d dance to together once they were married. She remembered him tearing up as he held her hand. But with a smile so sincere it could have made her cry. She remembered holding back those tears, as his family was just in the hall.

She remembered him singing in the car. So loud she could barely hear the music. So loud she found herself having to tell him to stop, time and time again. She remembered his airy voice. The calm in it. How he looked like from the side, and the funny look he got as he hit the high notes.

She remembered the silly little things he used to do to make her laugh. And how well it worked. She remembered how clumsy he was. And the many times he bumped his head into the guitar by the wall. She remembered getting kicked in the face as he got up. And how they always laughed about it.

She remembered his smile. His lips. His kisses. How his rough lips would always seem so soft and warm. How she’d complain about having to constantly wipe her glasses from his nose touching it. And how she’d give in and end up taking it off. She remembered taking off his glasses as well.

She remembered the many car rides they had. And how he would always hold her hand. She remembered falling asleep on his lap as they sat in the back of the van. And the many other things they found time to do in there as well. She remembered the places he drove to. The trips they went on.

More than anything, she remembered how safe he always made her feel.

But as soon the song started to fade, she pushed her memories away. And she was fine again. She was fine. Even though she knew she didn’t have him anymore.

Even though she could no longer run into his arms. Or hug and kiss him like she used to. Even though she’d never marry him. Or spend the rest of her life with him. Even though she wasn’t getting her fairy tale ending.

She was fine. Coz she had given up. On everything she had believed in. On everything she had tried fighting for. On him. But mostly, because she had given up on herself.

She didn’t want to cry anymore. She didn’t want to live. But all she could do was stay numb. Til the memories came flooding back again.

staring Blankly at the screen

She sat quietly, thinking.
She couldn’t stop thinking about everything he had ever said to her.
Everything that had happened.
And the night before was no different.
The words just seemed to be replaying on loop.
It didn’t matter how hard she tried to think about anything else.
Or the things she did to try to distract herself.
Nothing worked.
She just couldn’t get him off her mind.

I know I owe the world an update.
But all I can do now is place my hands on the keyboard.
And stare blankly at the screen.

Soon.
I promise.

Boy turns (how old again?)

Here’s the long awaited update.

Coz well, I know I haven’t been updating.

Even though I’ve been going out practically everyday in the past month, the blog’s been pretty dead since I haven’t got an internet connection. It doesn’t feel the same blogging from the lappie when I’m sitting at starbucks or segafredo. Those places have been like a second home to me in recent times. Just sitting there hanging out with friends. Chilling and sipping on coffee.

I’ve also really picked up smoking again. (I hope my mum doesn’t read this part. If you have, ignore it okay mummy. And don’t read on. Hehe) I’m as close to chain smoking as I’ve ever been. And it’s not a good feeling. I don’t know why I’m so addicted to it now. Maybe coz it really is just relaxing. And I need to relax. Maybe it’s coz smoking makes me sleepy. And i’ve been having problems sleeping again. And that’s why knowing that I smoke because of those said reasons, leaves me feeling SO not good. But ehh. It helps me thru the day. So i’ll worry about the lung cancer and stuff some other day.

Spent the last weekend in KL. Partying my ass off in style. Lol. Okay. So I was actually there for a friend’s birthday. And it’s been quite a while since I’ve enjoyed myself that much. And no I DID NOT GET DRUNK. OR HIGH. OR ANYTHING ELSE. It was just good clean fun. Although the pictures I post up of it a little later on would make it seem like I was not. I’m swearing here that I was. Haha. I’m really missing KL now. But the feeling comes and goes. It’s been that way for the longest time. I guess I just miss the hecticness of it all. Having to go out everyday. Clubbing. Shopping. Hanging out. And even though I’m kinda doing some of that here. It just doesn’t feel the same.

I still think of you all the time. And everything we’ve been through together. And how stupid it is that all of that turned out to be for nothing. I know we’re friends now. But what if I’m really not okay with us being friends? We never learnt to be friends in the first place. How do I go from here to there? It was so much easier when you just chose to ignore me the first time. I wish I could tell you to just do that, coz I know you would. But it just wouldn’t be the same this time. And I just really don’t know what to do.

I’ve lost you. I’ve lost them. And that’s what sucks the most. Coz when you were finally given the chance to prove yourself to be what you’ve always claimed to be, you went and did the exact opposite. You said a long time ago, if you could take back what happened then or at least do it differently, you would. And then you didn’t. And now I suffer again, coz of choices that you had to make. It’s in huge part my own choice too. But I always knew I couldn’t do it alone. And so did you.

Oh and since everyone seems to be blogging about MJ and stuff, I figured it’d only be appropriate for me to mention him a little here. Yes I know he’s the King of Pop. And he did die and all. But I don’t feel the need to have a whole post dedicated to him now. He died a long time ago to me. When he turned completely white and had his nose fall off. Don’t even get me started on the child molestation. So yeah. Doesn’t affect me much. It’s just a pity he had to die before his last curtain call. But no biggie. Not like I was gonna be there anyways.

So I guess I’ma end this here. I’ll post up pics of my weekend in KL soon. Once I get em and edit everything to freakin perfection. I’ll try to update soon again. But if I don’t. Be understanding okay. Hehe. And you’re allowed to guestblog if you want to. Yes, you.