
Warning : Very Long Post

She was fine.
Then she heard a familiar song playing. One that she had avoided listening to for so long. But she couldn’t seem to turn it off this time. Even though it had been such a long time, she could still sing to the lyrics or hum to the tune. And as she listened on, she couldn’t help but remember him.
The song. Their song. She remembered him, sitting on his chair, playing the song for her the very first time. She remembered him telling her, it would be the first song they’d dance to together once they were married. She remembered him tearing up as he held her hand. But with a smile so sincere it could have made her cry. She remembered holding back those tears, as his family was just in the hall.
She remembered him singing in the car. So loud she could barely hear the music. So loud she found herself having to tell him to stop, time and time again. She remembered his airy voice. The calm in it. How he looked like from the side, and the funny look he got as he hit the high notes.
She remembered the silly little things he used to do to make her laugh. And how well it worked. She remembered how clumsy he was. And the many times he bumped his head into the guitar by the wall. She remembered getting kicked in the face as he got up. And how they always laughed about it.
She remembered his smile. His lips. His kisses. How his rough lips would always seem so soft and warm. How she’d complain about having to constantly wipe her glasses from his nose touching it. And how she’d give in and end up taking it off. She remembered taking off his glasses as well.
She remembered the many car rides they had. And how he would always hold her hand. She remembered falling asleep on his lap as they sat in the back of the van. And the many other things they found time to do in there as well. She remembered the places he drove to. The trips they went on.
More than anything, she remembered how safe he always made her feel.
But as soon the song started to fade, she pushed her memories away. And she was fine again. She was fine. Even though she knew she didn’t have him anymore.
Even though she could no longer run into his arms. Or hug and kiss him like she used to. Even though she’d never marry him. Or spend the rest of her life with him. Even though she wasn’t getting her fairy tale ending.
She was fine. Coz she had given up. On everything she had believed in. On everything she had tried fighting for. On him. But mostly, because she had given up on herself.
She didn’t want to cry anymore. She didn’t want to live. But all she could do was stay numb. Til the memories came flooding back again.
Coz well, I know I haven’t been updating.
Even though I’ve been going out practically everyday in the past month, the blog’s been pretty dead since I haven’t got an internet connection. It doesn’t feel the same blogging from the lappie when I’m sitting at starbucks or segafredo. Those places have been like a second home to me in recent times. Just sitting there hanging out with friends. Chilling and sipping on coffee.
I’ve also really picked up smoking again. (I hope my mum doesn’t read this part. If you have, ignore it okay mummy. And don’t read on. Hehe) I’m as close to chain smoking as I’ve ever been. And it’s not a good feeling. I don’t know why I’m so addicted to it now. Maybe coz it really is just relaxing. And I need to relax. Maybe it’s coz smoking makes me sleepy. And i’ve been having problems sleeping again. And that’s why knowing that I smoke because of those said reasons, leaves me feeling SO not good. But ehh. It helps me thru the day. So i’ll worry about the lung cancer and stuff some other day.
Spent the last weekend in KL. Partying my ass off in style. Lol. Okay. So I was actually there for a friend’s birthday. And it’s been quite a while since I’ve enjoyed myself that much. And no I DID NOT GET DRUNK. OR HIGH. OR ANYTHING ELSE. It was just good clean fun. Although the pictures I post up of it a little later on would make it seem like I was not. I’m swearing here that I was. Haha. I’m really missing KL now. But the feeling comes and goes. It’s been that way for the longest time. I guess I just miss the hecticness of it all. Having to go out everyday. Clubbing. Shopping. Hanging out. And even though I’m kinda doing some of that here. It just doesn’t feel the same.
I still think of you all the time. And everything we’ve been through together. And how stupid it is that all of that turned out to be for nothing. I know we’re friends now. But what if I’m really not okay with us being friends? We never learnt to be friends in the first place. How do I go from here to there? It was so much easier when you just chose to ignore me the first time. I wish I could tell you to just do that, coz I know you would. But it just wouldn’t be the same this time. And I just really don’t know what to do.
I’ve lost you. I’ve lost them. And that’s what sucks the most. Coz when you were finally given the chance to prove yourself to be what you’ve always claimed to be, you went and did the exact opposite. You said a long time ago, if you could take back what happened then or at least do it differently, you would. And then you didn’t. And now I suffer again, coz of choices that you had to make. It’s in huge part my own choice too. But I always knew I couldn’t do it alone. And so did you.
Oh and since everyone seems to be blogging about MJ and stuff, I figured it’d only be appropriate for me to mention him a little here. Yes I know he’s the King of Pop. And he did die and all. But I don’t feel the need to have a whole post dedicated to him now. He died a long time ago to me. When he turned completely white and had his nose fall off. Don’t even get me started on the child molestation. So yeah. Doesn’t affect me much. It’s just a pity he had to die before his last curtain call. But no biggie. Not like I was gonna be there anyways.