Category Archives: UNCATEGORIZED

thirty

today i turn 30. looking at my life in hindsight, there are so many things i could have done differently. disasters i could have avoided. pain i could have opted out of. but i have to say, i truly did not know better. i am so thankful that life allowed me to discover the truth and heal. that i need not be the trauma i carried. nor the belief system i had formed out of it.

love has been the theme of my life. needing love. giving love. acquiring love. losing love. trying to hold on to love. not feeling loved. sacrificing all of myself for love. destroying love. and it is this dance with love that led me to questioning who i was, who i had become and who i could be.

i have discovered that in life, there is love and there is fear. all of our actions come from one or the other. acting out of fear is not love. something i did a lot, not knowing the difference. love cannot be held on to. it can only be given, genuinely. love is not a tool for control or power. it cannot demand obedience or sacrifice in return. that is fear. love can only receive what is willing to be given.

the most important person to learn to love is self. all that we experience in life is what we need to experience to show us ourselves. the external world is merely a perception based on our internal landscape. as within, so without. which is why to fix anything, it is most important to first fix self. to love self. to know i am worthy. as i am. to be a sovereign being, not in need of anyone else’s approval or validation. to just be me – for myself. and only from that space, materialize the rest of life.

love has become a very different thing to me over the past decade. and it is all the lessons and pain that brought me to where i am. that returned me to me. pain is a very necessary part of love and growth and i have no intention of avoiding it. in fact, disasters and all, i wouldn’t change a thing about life, because there has been so much good to come out of it. it truly is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

i love where i am now. i love who i am. i am grateful for how things continue to play out, even when it is unplanned or unexpected. life continues to show me that everything happens for a divine reason, and it is all love if only i can continue to trust and surrender to this ride i am on.

i have to say, it feels pretty damn good to be 30 today.

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stonewall

i struggle a fair bit in marriage. i am thankful to have found someone who wants to spend all of life with me. and is loyal and trustworthy. i am lucky. luckier than some. perhaps luckier than quite a portion of people. but that does not mean i do not struggle. because i sure do. i struggle with the lack of warmth, communication and openness. i am not a perfect being. i acknowledge the traits i have that may not make it easy for my partner to remain still or complacent. but it is those very traits that allow my partner to chase his dream. perhaps it is easier to not need to achieve. not grow. not challenge one’s self. not need to be anything other than what is. but then, that’s not how i function. i try. i push. i don’t want to sit by idly if something can be done. yes, it has been disastrous in the past. not knowing how to express myself well. or expecting too much. or pushing too hard. because i see myself when my dad expresses that when people get emotional/weak, he feels the need to push. i admit that is wrong. results vary depending on the situation. there are some situations where people may need pushing. and then some when people need to be encouraged in wholesome ways. just because loving encouragement may take more patience and time to accomplish results does not mean it is the lesser method. because there is fear, and then there is love. and it matters what space people take action from. unless necessary, i don’t want anyone to do things out of fear. the truth when spoken does not need to be angry or demanding. i acknowledge that, and my mistakes in the past. i try my very best to approach things fairly now. without being too pushy. with care. but more often than not, no matter how i approach bringing up a need i have or a concern or request, my husband stonewalls me.

Stonewalling is when a person withdraws from a conversation or discussion and refuses to address your concerns. The person may choose to outright ignore your requests, respond with dismissive, invalidating replies or evade responding appropriately altogether by giving vague responses that refuse to answer your original questions. In many cases, when one partner stonewalls another, the conversation is shut down before it even has a chance to begin. Usually, stonewalling and the silent treatment go hand in hand.

we know what is going on. he is aware of his stonewalling and silence. but he has not found a way out of it yet. and i feel as though i am more cautious than i should be when bringing something up, because i am afraid of causing him to stonewall. sometimes it’s absolutely necessary to take the time and do my checklist before expressing something. but sometimes it’s not even me. and when that happens, and it happens often, i just don’t know what to do. i feel as though there is no talking to him about things when i sometimes need to. yes, it’s not always convenient, but having conversations on things in life is normal. to me, at least. it’s so hard in any situation when people don’t want to talk about the uncomfortable or slightly less pleasant things. and it’s an additional struggle when my husband finds almost everything unpleasant to be spoken of. he’d much rather stonewall everything. but stonewalling does not bring growth or progress to our life. stonewalling does not help us be a better team. stonewalling just makes me feel alone and frustrated. on good days i am able to walk away. but the days are not always good. and then i wonder, why do i need to feel this way all the time? all relationships have issues. that is entirely normal. to me, the success of any relationship depends on the ability to communicate and work through issues with openness and warmth. i am not perfect, but i am open to accepting my imperfections and mistakes. i wasn’t always this way. it took work to get here. and many destroyed relationships. i get it, everyone has to experience and learn. but how can i be that space for him and have a healthy relationship for myself at the same time? i am tired. i just want to be able to communicate. why do i always have to be the “bigger” person and make peace? or be the one to bounce back? i am tired of struggling just to have a conversation. each and every time.

bare naked

i used to lie, cheat and steal. a lot a lot. so unbelievably much that it was a recurrent theme in my life. was there ever a time i was not lying in some way or another? i sometimes wonder what went so wrong in my life and head that made me make those choices. what influenced me to believe those actions were fine. fine that that was who i wanted to be? or was it that it didn’t occur to me to think of what it all meant. that i was destroying the very thing i thought i was giving my all to build. relationships. i’m sure sometimes people allowed me to believe they didn’t know when they did. i’m sure it hurt a lot of people and damaged a lot of relationships. it gradually stopped a good sum of years ago. but i am uncomfortable still to be honest with the people i wronged, to ask for forgiveness, to bare the truth. does that mean i have not completed my steps in recovery? why does it bother me sometimes that i have not? i wish it was something i could express. but i am truly genuinely ashamed. of my past behavior and the things my younger self thought was alright. the things i allowed myself to get away with. or believe i was getting away with. i am afraid of what people may think of me. of people thinking lesser. because pride. pride wants to feel like i am only who i am now, whom i am so proud of. i am scared of it affecting the relationships i have left. or perhaps i’d rather not face the consequences. of anger or judgment or words. i feel, too lazy to want to bother. is that just an excuse i’ve made up for myself? is this discomfort because i have not faced the consequences? and is not diving deep at the discomfort running from myself? why am i running? why do i need to run? i acknowledge within myself in this moment, all the things that i have done. some things i have been punished for. shamed. received consequences, sometimes disproportionate to my crimes. but other things i absolutely got away with scot-free. but getting away with things did not keep me from the eventuality of facing myself. bare naked. and i worked really hard on making all the right choices. and choosing to be “straight”… enough at least. to not hurt anyone who did not deserve any hurting. does me being a different person make it alright to leave the past in the past? i figure, perhaps it hasn’t gone away because it has not been expressed in any way other than emotions and memories floating in my mind. i am so sorry. i am so incredibly sorry, that i did any of that – for attention, or to feel wanted, out of desperation or wanting to take from life what i felt it owed me. nothing justifies hurting, taking from or lying to a person. especially the ones who have cared about me. i have paid my dues. i have lost most of everything in my life. i know what rock bottom feels like. i was fortunate enough that by the grace of the universe, a sequence of events took place to bring me back to center and into abundance. so i speak only the truth now and am as genuine and honest as i know how to be in all situations. the truth is there were many parts of myself that in hindsight after healing most wounds, i look back and think what the hell was wrong with me? and those things that caused me to be who i am are very much forever a part of me, somewhere, tucked away. hopefully for good, but perhaps always just one mistake away from spilling out. and i try incredibly hard to be my best self, because i know what’s on the other end of of the tale and i never want to be that again. i hope this is an acknowledgement enough for myself to be at peace with things. it certainly would be nice to be able to forgive my past self for all the crazy things she did because she was hurting and didn’t know better. but now she does.

retrograde

the past month or two has been quite an emotional roller coaster ride. not that all of life isn’t. or that there’s really any “down” time where there isn’t something to process or grow from. but the planets have been in retrograde and causing some chaos. stirring things up so i am able to fine tune myself and life even more. i feel like my expression had switched over to an emotional channel and i desire not to put in much effort into thinking about what i write. instead, i just sit here and flow with my emotions. eyes closed half the time. it’s kinda beautiful to journal for myself, to allow my thoughts to just be. instead of presenting things for people to see. i feel as though it sets a part of me free. the part that is concerned with how everything comes across. wanting to please. or to impress. it’s beautiful to accept myself more and more as i am. so what if i am quirky. or weird. or a little awkward. everybody is uniquely themselves. both likable and unlikable. why do i waste time trying to be anything for anyone else and forget how to just be me. i want to be myself. and learn what that means. i think it’s good time i did just that.

observing

is there such a thing as the “right” people. as in, the right people to surround yourself with. or the right people to have in your life. should you remove those who negatively impact your space? or is “right” just an illusion and people are just people. to be allowed to be in your life as they are, despite whatever it is that frustrates you, hurts you or puts you off. should you instead work on acceptance and getting to a place where people aren’t able to have an impact on how you feel. a place of no reaction because reaction is not necessary. because reacting is a choice. does that place exist? or is that an illusion? from that space where you are neither happier nor saddened, calmed nor frustrated by the action of others, does joy exist? can you choose to let in the good without feeling the bad? can one exist without the other? or are you meant to feel everything in its entirety, with no expectation of control over life. yours or anyone else’s. to be here solely to watch, to experience. to just flow with the currents. to be nothing more and nothing less than just the observer.

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