Category Archives: UNCATEGORIZED

stonewall

i struggle a fair bit in marriage. i am thankful to have found someone who wants to spend all of life with me. and is loyal and trustworthy. i am lucky. luckier than some. perhaps luckier than quite a portion of people. but that does not mean i do not struggle. because i sure do. i struggle with the lack of warmth, communication and openness. i am not a perfect being. i acknowledge the traits i have that may not make it easy for my partner to remain still or complacent. but it is those very traits that allow my partner to chase his dream. perhaps it is easier to not need to achieve. not grow. not challenge one’s self. not need to be anything other than what is. but then, that’s not how i function. i try. i push. i don’t want to sit by idly if something can be done. yes, it has been disastrous in the past. not knowing how to express myself well. or expecting too much. or pushing too hard. because i see myself when my dad expresses that when people get emotional/weak, he feels the need to push. i admit that is wrong. results vary depending on the situation. there are some situations where people may need pushing. and then some when people need to be encouraged in wholesome ways. just because loving encouragement may take more patience and time to accomplish results does not mean it is the lesser method. because there is fear, and then there is love. and it matters what space people take action from. unless necessary, i don’t want anyone to do things out of fear. the truth when spoken does not need to be angry or demanding. i acknowledge that, and my mistakes in the past. i try my very best to approach things fairly now. without being too pushy. with care. but more often than not, no matter how i approach bringing up a need i have or a concern or request, my husband stonewalls me.

Stonewalling is when a person withdraws from a conversation or discussion and refuses to address your concerns. The person may choose to outright ignore your requests, respond with dismissive, invalidating replies or evade responding appropriately altogether by giving vague responses that refuse to answer your original questions. In many cases, when one partner stonewalls another, the conversation is shut down before it even has a chance to begin. Usually, stonewalling and the silent treatment go hand in hand.

we know what is going on. he is aware of his stonewalling and silence. but he has not found a way out of it yet. and i feel as though i am more cautious than i should be when bringing something up, because i am afraid of causing him to stonewall. sometimes it’s absolutely necessary to take the time and do my checklist before expressing something. but sometimes it’s not even me. and when that happens, and it happens often, i just don’t know what to do. i feel as though there is no talking to him about things when i sometimes need to. yes, it’s not always convenient, but having conversations on things in life is normal. to me, at least. it’s so hard in any situation when people don’t want to talk about the uncomfortable or slightly less pleasant things. and it’s an additional struggle when my husband finds almost everything unpleasant to be spoken of. he’d much rather stonewall everything. but stonewalling does not bring growth or progress to our life. stonewalling does not help us be a better team. stonewalling just makes me feel alone and frustrated. on good days i am able to walk away. but the days are not always good. and then i wonder, why do i need to feel this way all the time? all relationships have issues. that is entirely normal. to me, the success of any relationship depends on the ability to communicate and work through issues with openness and warmth. i am not perfect, but i am open to accepting my imperfections and mistakes. i wasn’t always this way. it took work to get here. and many destroyed relationships. i get it, everyone has to experience and learn. but how can i be that space for him and have a healthy relationship for myself at the same time? i am tired. i just want to be able to communicate. why do i always have to be the “bigger” person and make peace? or be the one to bounce back? i am tired of struggling just to have a conversation. each and every time.

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bare naked

i used to lie, cheat and steal. a lot a lot. so unbelievably much that it was a recurrent theme in my life. was there ever a time i was not lying in some way or another? i sometimes wonder what went so wrong in my life and head that made me make those choices. what influenced me to believe those actions were fine. fine that that was who i wanted to be? or was it that it didn’t occur to me to think of what it all meant. that i was destroying the very thing i thought i was giving my all to build. relationships. i’m sure sometimes people allowed me to believe they didn’t know when they did. i’m sure it hurt a lot of people and damaged a lot of relationships. it gradually stopped a good sum of years ago. but i am uncomfortable still to be honest with the people i wronged, to ask for forgiveness, to bare the truth. does that mean i have not completed my steps in recovery? why does it bother me sometimes that i have not? i wish it was something i could express. but i am truly genuinely ashamed. of my past behavior and the things my younger self thought was alright. the things i allowed myself to get away with. or believe i was getting away with. i am afraid of what people may think of me. of people thinking lesser. because pride. pride wants to feel like i am only who i am now, whom i am so proud of. i am scared of it affecting the relationships i have left. or perhaps i’d rather not face the consequences. of anger or judgment or words. i feel, too lazy to want to bother. is that just an excuse i’ve made up for myself? is this discomfort because i have not faced the consequences? and is not diving deep at the discomfort running from myself? why am i running? why do i need to run? i acknowledge within myself in this moment, all the things that i have done. some things i have been punished for. shamed. received consequences, sometimes disproportionate to my crimes. but other things i absolutely got away with scot-free. but getting away with things did not keep me from the eventuality of facing myself. bare naked. and i worked really hard on making all the right choices. and choosing to be “straight”… enough at least. to not hurt anyone who did not deserve any hurting. does me being a different person make it alright to leave the past in the past? i figure, perhaps it hasn’t gone away because it has not been expressed in any way other than emotions and memories floating in my mind. i am so sorry. i am so incredibly sorry, that i did any of that – for attention, or to feel wanted, out of desperation or wanting to take from life what i felt it owed me. nothing justifies hurting, taking from or lying to a person. especially the ones who have cared about me. i have paid my dues. i have lost most of everything in my life. i know what rock bottom feels like. i was fortunate enough that by the grace of the universe, a sequence of events took place to bring me back to center and into abundance. so i speak only the truth now and am as genuine and honest as i know how to be in all situations. the truth is there were many parts of myself that in hindsight after healing most wounds, i look back and think what the hell was wrong with me? and those things that caused me to be who i am are very much forever a part of me, somewhere, tucked away. hopefully for good, but perhaps always just one mistake away from spilling out. and i try incredibly hard to be my best self, because i know what’s on the other end of of the tale and i never want to be that again. i hope this is an acknowledgement enough for myself to be at peace with things. it certainly would be nice to be able to forgive my past self for all the crazy things she did because she was hurting and didn’t know better. but now she does.

retrograde

the past month or two has been quite an emotional roller coaster ride. not that all of life isn’t. or that there’s really any “down” time where there isn’t something to process or grow from. but the planets have been in retrograde and causing some chaos. stirring things up so i am able to fine tune myself and life even more. i feel like my expression had switched over to an emotional channel and i desire not to put in much effort into thinking about what i write. instead, i just sit here and flow with my emotions. eyes closed half the time. it’s kinda beautiful to journal for myself, to allow my thoughts to just be. instead of presenting things for people to see. i feel as though it sets a part of me free. the part that is concerned with how everything comes across. wanting to please. or to impress. it’s beautiful to accept myself more and more as i am. so what if i am quirky. or weird. or a little awkward. everybody is uniquely themselves. both likable and unlikable. why do i waste time trying to be anything for anyone else and forget how to just be me. i want to be myself. and learn what that means. i think it’s good time i did just that.

observing

is there such a thing as the “right” people. as in, the right people to surround yourself with. or the right people to have in your life. should you remove those who negatively impact your space? or is “right” just an illusion and people are just people. to be allowed to be in your life as they are, despite whatever it is that frustrates you, hurts you or puts you off. should you instead work on acceptance and getting to a place where people aren’t able to have an impact on how you feel. a place of no reaction because reaction is not necessary. because reacting is a choice. does that place exist? or is that an illusion? from that space where you are neither happier nor saddened, calmed nor frustrated by the action of others, does joy exist? can you choose to let in the good without feeling the bad? can one exist without the other? or are you meant to feel everything in its entirety, with no expectation of control over life. yours or anyone else’s. to be here solely to watch, to experience. to just flow with the currents. to be nothing more and nothing less than just the observer.

star light, star bright

i wish i could go back in time. with all this love and sanity, to save myself. it pains me so much when i think of how things played out in my life. before i knew how to process what was going on and foresee how it would later impact me and my life. how it would affect all my choices and experiences. i wish i could save myself from the negative influence my parents relationship and separation was to my space. to watch them argue and fight and yell and scream. to see them so unhappy, so lacking. so incomplete. to have seen and internalized all that violence and rage. i wish i could save myself from all the bad choices i made. all the bad choices i made from that space of chaos and insanity. i wish i could give myself a home. a real home, one that wouldn’t get taken away. ripped from my heart and hands. leaving me displaced, alone, lost – to figure out how to fend for myself. i wish i had the tools to cope with what happened better. i wish my parents showed me what love is. what true, unapologetic, wholesome, complete love is. for self. for each other. not a game of cat and mouse. never being satisfied. complaining. disagreeing. fighting. controlling. waiting for love. begging for a love that isn’t there. i wish i knew what love is. i wish i could have chosen to hold on to the right people and not need to walk into all the wrong ones. to know who loved me and who didn’t know how to. to tell the difference, to have my foundation so grounded at home, with my family – to have a family – to not need to seek fulfillment outside. to not think i was in search of happiness when in reality, i was trying to fill a void. the void that was family i wanted back. the void that would could never be filled. i wish i had a home to go back to, when i didn’t feel safe and in the right place. when i changed my mind. someone to protect me and love me and listen to me and guide me with a conscious and loving hand. a space i could remain settled in so i could take my time with decisions i made and not have to rush through everything to find stable ground. i wish i didn’t step into life so damaged. so angry, so bitter, so broken, so needy. even though now in hindsight i can see how the damage began so much earlier than the the time the separation took place, i didn’t know back then. and i was used to having a family. i still needed my family. i wish it didn’t all get ripped away from me. i wish i didn’t find myself 18, on the cusp of adulthood, in the middle of a shitstorm. i wish my parents were in a better place to have been able to be around for us. to prioritize us. to care about how it was impacting us. i wish they had the coping tools to have separated better. without the great big mess that ensued. i wish they knew how it was their fault, and not ours. their choice, not ours. and didn’t punish us for it. i wish they apologized, not for discovering they weren’t meant to be, but for putting us through such an ugly terrible few years. for leaving us, for changing the game on us partway through. i wish they found a way to minimize damage to us. to acknowledge how much we were still loved by the other, instead of ripping each other apart, putting us in the middle of a war. making me feel like neither loved me. neither prioritized me. neither cared. i wish it didn’t all make me feel unloved, so i wouldn’t have had to look for love in all the wrong places. so i didn’t have to trade parts of myself i did not want to, to be wanted, approved, accepted. i wish i understood how to love and be loved. that i did not need to make myself more agreeable in order to be taken in by others. that being damaged goods did not mean no one could love me. that i didn’t need to be desperate. and that desperate love was never going to be wholesome love. i wish i knew how worthy i was. worthy of real, good love. that i was not defined by the trauma i had been through. i wish i was unafraid of the good people. unafraid to be patient, and to be loved right. i wish i didn’t need to be such a disaster, turning everything i touched into shit. too scared i would hurt anyone who knew how to love me, and choosing those that didn’t know how to. allowing myself to replay the same scenario over and over and over again. to remain comfortably where i knew how to be, rejected, hidden, wrong. blaming it on others. over and over again until i faced myself to see that it was i that didn’t know how to love myself. i wish i knew how to be then, who i am now. worthy. worthy of all the love life has to give me. worthy of being treated right. worthy of happiness. worthy because i am no less than anyone else that exists, broken or not. just as they are no less worthy than i am. because worthiness is not something you have to sell parts of yourself to own. it is not something that is traded or earned or given to you through approval. it does not demand you to be perfect or even alright. it just is. you are here. and you are worthy. i wish i knew that, before i had lost all parts of myself just to find that worthiness was not to be found at the bottom of the barrel. after i was done draining all of myself and had nothing left to give. nothing left to be. the bottom was emptiness.  worthiness, on the other hand, is the barrel. and the barrel is me. i wish i could have saved myself all that pain and all that trouble and all the mistakes made. but i suppose all i can do, is be thankful that after all that, i found my way here. that i have survived. that i can heal myself. and maybe, just maybe, i will be able to give all that i wished for myself – to my children. to my daughter/s. so that 30 years from now, they aren’t sitting with themselves wishing it had been different. i wish for them, love.

star light, star bright,
first star i see tonight,
i wish i may, i wish i might,
have this wish i wish tonight.
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