Category Archives: UNCATEGORIZED

on this thing we call covid 19

consider that everything in life, what makes up life is energy. and all of living is an exchange of energy. yin and yang – yang being exertion and yin being replenishing.

everyday we give and receive energy in the things we do. the food we eat. the air we breathe. the love we receive. to achieve a state of equilibrium, we must find the balance between yin and yang. certain activities exert energy and some replenish. one method is to go back and forth = the harder we work, the harder we play to try and keep our energy balanced. the other method is to bring it together and to exert whilst replenishing. when we do things (exert) to serve others or something larger than ourselves, we receive in return (replenish) and need not seek to restore balance. thus achieving a state of “being”. the more we are selfish and function for ourselves, the more energy we consume without replenishing in the world. resources. life. energy.

we may continue to consume, but at some point we would render the energetic being that is earth lifeless. a cycle that does not replenish can not sustain itself.

everyday we consume energy to power ourselves. it is merely a matter of how much energy we consume. pseudo energy that we believe to feed us – shopping – processed and dead food –  chemical drugs –  pharmaceutical medication – mindless entertainment – trigger chemical processes within ourselves to create an illusion of temporary happiness or joy but then leaves us depleted and craving the energy we truly need to thrive.  real energy comes from the sun, everything that feeds off and grows under the sun. real energy comes from the vibrations we receive from each other and life. the less we know how to take in energy effectively, the more we consume in efforts to replenish and sustain.

looking at what is going on in the world now, it is apparent to me that this is a story of energy. and how we exchange and transmute energy is what will decide the end game. looked at in this way, saving lives and preventing an outbreak that is part of nature are small matters. merely a page in the book. as were the outbreaks of the past. the wars. the famines.

the larger picture is who we become as a species with every life altering, consciousness altering event. how we choose to dance with energy. whether we use this to fuel love or fear.

do we choose to breathe deeper, inhaling all the energy from our surroundings with each breath? do we expand that energy through love and return it to life? do we shrink in fear and anxiety, breath held? do we waste what energy we do have on anger and retaliation in the name of justice?

perhaps we use this moment of pause to observe.

we have the choice to choose where our story goes. if we choose to love, to become that perfect balance of yin and yang and choose to transmute tragedy into a gift – then we give energy to each other and return some to the planet. if we come out of this each man for himself, then we scramble and hoard any energy we can get our hands on for security and deplete this planet of what little is left.

this is a call for unity. not just one where everyone stays home to keep each other safe and continue to keep distance out of fear. waiting for science to pump us with what they call a solution so we may trick ourselves into believing there is nothing to fear for long enough that we can return to the illusion of living.

this is an opportunity. a call to face ourselves and transmute all the fear that has been embedded at the core of our collective consciousness with every loss we have suffered. every death we have seen.

we get to take that fear now, face it and transmute it into love. love for one another. love for your neighbour, your friend, your boss, your employees, the unemployed, the homeless, the needy. love for the planet. if out of this mutual suffering, this one shared global experience we can all realise that we are indeed one – not separate from each other and anything the sun has touched, we can stop trying to consume to fill the void of separation from true oneness. from source. and see that energy is everywhere – in each other, in love, in the air we breathe and the ground beneath our feet. we do not need much more. we never did.

we have been lied to for the benefit of the few. we have been divided into different species, races, religions, culture, countries, labels, types. filled with fear that we are alone, that we are fragile. separated from each other and then ourselves so that in this void, we can be sold “wholeness”. in any and every way imaginable. so that we could be put to work, coerced by our own fear into believing that slavery is a fair trade for the currency to buy our safety and happiness.

the time has come for us to step out of the fear and into the light of the truth. to remember what has always been inside our hearts and minds (or guts). that all we need, we already have. ourselves, each other, passion, kindness, compassion, life…and this beautiful fucking planet we call earth. there is nothing to fear. even death of our physical vessel is merely a transition into more being. there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

abandon the fear, it does not nourish us. all things that come out of fear only cause us to require more energy to restore equilibrium. to consume. to destroy. we do not have to travel down this trajectory in order to nourish ourselves. if we transmute this fear and fill ourselves with love, we replenish our collective being and this energetic planet.

love on one another. remember our oneness and take care of each other as we would ourselves. take care of mother nature as we would ourselves. make time for it. make time to care. cut out all these unnecessary excesses and return to community and nature.

it is up to us to choose to see this collective experience as the greatest gift we have been given. to transmute fear into love and remember what truly gives us the energy we need to be alive.

que sera sera

this time, 3 years ago, i had just welcomed earthside a beautiful, intense being that would forever change my life. being a mum has given me most reason to be my best self. forcing me to think about even the smallest of things i would have let slip by without a thought before. everything i am, the experience i curate for her up to the point she ventures off on her own, creates the memories and building blocks of her foundation. i strive so hard to be perfect, knowing full well that i can never be. this knowing that there is someone else – a pure, innocent being whom i have so much impact over is both amazing and terrifying. because at the same time i am trying to be my most free self, i am incredibly aware that i am sometimes not able to or should not make selfish decisions for just myself. it is confining. to not be able to choose me. to not know if choosing me is what will give my children the best version of myself. if those choices will be better than the ones i make out of the desire to give them the best life they can have. it’s confusing, to not know which door the “best life” is sitting behind. especially for someone who does as much thinking as i do. i try to think less. trust more. but it’s incredibly hard to not to think when it comes to the larger decisions in life. where we live. the lifestyle we choose. if the sacrifices made to achieve the life is worth the reward. if i should live for the present or the future. for myself or my children. i wish these things were easier…but don’t we all? i just don’t allow myself to run from the feelings, which leaves me overwhelmed by them sometimes. should i technically avoid dwelling on them? is a certain level of avoidance healthy? life sure was simpler when it was just me. but i love being a mum. and i love my children so much. they matter so so so so much. their experience, their emotions, their needs. so much it kills me to not be alright sometimes. to not be my best for them. to not have things figured out. to struggle. but i guess struggle is as much a part of life as joy is. and we take it all and try to make the best out of it. never really knowing all the ways things may play out. and what will be will be.

thirty

today i turn 30. looking at my life in hindsight, there are so many things i could have done differently. disasters i could have avoided. pain i could have opted out of. but i have to say, i truly did not know better. i am so thankful that life allowed me to discover the truth and heal. that i need not be the trauma i carried. nor the belief system i had formed out of it.

love has been the theme of my life. needing love. giving love. acquiring love. losing love. trying to hold on to love. not feeling loved. sacrificing all of myself for love. destroying love. and it is this dance with love that led me to questioning who i was, who i had become and who i could be.

i have discovered that in life, there is love and there is fear. all of our actions come from one or the other. acting out of fear is not love. something i did a lot, not knowing the difference. love cannot be held on to. it can only be given, genuinely. love is not a tool for control or power. it cannot demand obedience or sacrifice in return. that is fear. love can only receive what is willing to be given.

the most important person to learn to love is self. all that we experience in life is what we need to experience to show us ourselves. the external world is merely a perception based on our internal landscape. as within, so without. which is why to fix anything, it is most important to first fix self. to love self. to know i am worthy. as i am. to be a sovereign being, not in need of anyone else’s approval or validation. to just be me – for myself. and only from that space, materialize the rest of life.

love has become a very different thing to me over the past decade. and it is all the lessons and pain that brought me to where i am. that returned me to me. pain is a very necessary part of love and growth and i have no intention of avoiding it. in fact, disasters and all, i wouldn’t change a thing about life, because there has been so much good to come out of it. it truly is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

i love where i am now. i love who i am. i am grateful for how things continue to play out, even when it is unplanned or unexpected. life continues to show me that everything happens for a divine reason, and it is all love if only i can continue to trust and surrender to this ride i am on.

i have to say, it feels pretty damn good to be 30 today.

stonewall

i struggle a fair bit in marriage. i am thankful to have found someone who wants to spend all of life with me. and is loyal and trustworthy. i am lucky. luckier than some. perhaps luckier than quite a portion of people. but that does not mean i do not struggle. because i sure do. i struggle with the lack of warmth, communication and openness. i am not a perfect being. i acknowledge the traits i have that may not make it easy for my partner to remain still or complacent. but it is those very traits that allow my partner to chase his dream. perhaps it is easier to not need to achieve. not grow. not challenge one’s self. not need to be anything other than what is. but then, that’s not how i function. i try. i push. i don’t want to sit by idly if something can be done. yes, it has been disastrous in the past. not knowing how to express myself well. or expecting too much. or pushing too hard. because i see myself when my dad expresses that when people get emotional/weak, he feels the need to push. i admit that is wrong. results vary depending on the situation. there are some situations where people may need pushing. and then some when people need to be encouraged in wholesome ways. just because loving encouragement may take more patience and time to accomplish results does not mean it is the lesser method. because there is fear, and then there is love. and it matters what space people take action from. unless necessary, i don’t want anyone to do things out of fear. the truth when spoken does not need to be angry or demanding. i acknowledge that, and my mistakes in the past. i try my very best to approach things fairly now. without being too pushy. with care. but more often than not, no matter how i approach bringing up a need i have or a concern or request, my husband stonewalls me.

Stonewalling is when a person withdraws from a conversation or discussion and refuses to address your concerns. The person may choose to outright ignore your requests, respond with dismissive, invalidating replies or evade responding appropriately altogether by giving vague responses that refuse to answer your original questions. In many cases, when one partner stonewalls another, the conversation is shut down before it even has a chance to begin. Usually, stonewalling and the silent treatment go hand in hand.

we know what is going on. he is aware of his stonewalling and silence. but he has not found a way out of it yet. and i feel as though i am more cautious than i should be when bringing something up, because i am afraid of causing him to stonewall. sometimes it’s absolutely necessary to take the time and do my checklist before expressing something. but sometimes it’s not even me. and when that happens, and it happens often, i just don’t know what to do. i feel as though there is no talking to him about things when i sometimes need to. yes, it’s not always convenient, but having conversations on things in life is normal. to me, at least. it’s so hard in any situation when people don’t want to talk about the uncomfortable or slightly less pleasant things. and it’s an additional struggle when my husband finds almost everything unpleasant to be spoken of. he’d much rather stonewall everything. but stonewalling does not bring growth or progress to our life. stonewalling does not help us be a better team. stonewalling just makes me feel alone and frustrated. on good days i am able to walk away. but the days are not always good. and then i wonder, why do i need to feel this way all the time? all relationships have issues. that is entirely normal. to me, the success of any relationship depends on the ability to communicate and work through issues with openness and warmth. i am not perfect, but i am open to accepting my imperfections and mistakes. i wasn’t always this way. it took work to get here. and many destroyed relationships. i get it, everyone has to experience and learn. but how can i be that space for him and have a healthy relationship for myself at the same time? i am tired. i just want to be able to communicate. why do i always have to be the “bigger” person and make peace? or be the one to bounce back? i am tired of struggling just to have a conversation. each and every time.

bare naked

i used to lie, cheat and steal. a lot a lot. so unbelievably much that it was a recurrent theme in my life. was there ever a time i was not lying in some way or another? i sometimes wonder what went so wrong in my life and head that made me make those choices. what influenced me to believe those actions were fine. fine that that was who i wanted to be? or was it that it didn’t occur to me to think of what it all meant. that i was destroying the very thing i thought i was giving my all to build. relationships. i’m sure sometimes people allowed me to believe they didn’t know when they did. i’m sure it hurt a lot of people and damaged a lot of relationships. it gradually stopped a good sum of years ago. but i am uncomfortable still to be honest with the people i wronged, to ask for forgiveness, to bare the truth. does that mean i have not completed my steps in recovery? why does it bother me sometimes that i have not? i wish it was something i could express. but i am truly genuinely ashamed. of my past behavior and the things my younger self thought was alright. the things i allowed myself to get away with. or believe i was getting away with. i am afraid of what people may think of me. of people thinking lesser. because pride. pride wants to feel like i am only who i am now, whom i am so proud of. i am scared of it affecting the relationships i have left. or perhaps i’d rather not face the consequences. of anger or judgment or words. i feel, too lazy to want to bother. is that just an excuse i’ve made up for myself? is this discomfort because i have not faced the consequences? and is not diving deep at the discomfort running from myself? why am i running? why do i need to run? i acknowledge within myself in this moment, all the things that i have done. some things i have been punished for. shamed. received consequences, sometimes disproportionate to my crimes. but other things i absolutely got away with scot-free. but getting away with things did not keep me from the eventuality of facing myself. bare naked. and i worked really hard on making all the right choices. and choosing to be “straight”… enough at least. to not hurt anyone who did not deserve any hurting. does me being a different person make it alright to leave the past in the past? i figure, perhaps it hasn’t gone away because it has not been expressed in any way other than emotions and memories floating in my mind. i am so sorry. i am so incredibly sorry, that i did any of that – for attention, or to feel wanted, out of desperation or wanting to take from life what i felt it owed me. nothing justifies hurting, taking from or lying to a person. especially the ones who have cared about me. i have paid my dues. i have lost most of everything in my life. i know what rock bottom feels like. i was fortunate enough that by the grace of the universe, a sequence of events took place to bring me back to center and into abundance. so i speak only the truth now and am as genuine and honest as i know how to be in all situations. the truth is there were many parts of myself that in hindsight after healing most wounds, i look back and think what the hell was wrong with me? and those things that caused me to be who i am are very much forever a part of me, somewhere, tucked away. hopefully for good, but perhaps always just one mistake away from spilling out. and i try incredibly hard to be my best self, because i know what’s on the other end of of the tale and i never want to be that again. i hope this is an acknowledgement enough for myself to be at peace with things. it certainly would be nice to be able to forgive my past self for all the crazy things she did because she was hurting and didn’t know better. but now she does.