Category Archives: UNCATEGORIZED

bare naked

i used to lie, cheat and steal. a lot a lot. so unbelievably much that it was a recurrent theme in my life. was there ever a time i was not lying in some way or another? i sometimes wonder what went so wrong in my life and head that made me make those choices. what influenced me to believe those actions were fine. fine that that was who i wanted to be? or was it that it didn’t occur to me to think of what it all meant. that i was destroying the very thing i thought i was giving my all to build. relationships. i’m sure sometimes people allowed me to believe they didn’t know when they did. i’m sure it hurt a lot of people and damaged a lot of relationships. it gradually stopped a good sum of years ago. but i am uncomfortable still to be honest with the people i wronged, to ask for forgiveness, to bare the truth. does that mean i have not completed my steps in recovery? why does it bother me sometimes that i have not? i wish it was something i could express. but i am truly genuinely ashamed. of my past behavior and the things my younger self thought was alright. the things i allowed myself to get away with. or believe i was getting away with. i am afraid of what people may think of me. of people thinking lesser. because pride. pride wants to feel like i am only who i am now, whom i am so proud of. i am scared of it affecting the relationships i have left. or perhaps i’d rather not face the consequences. of anger or judgment or words. i feel, too lazy to want to bother. is that just an excuse i’ve made up for myself? is this discomfort because i have not faced the consequences? and is not diving deep at the discomfort running from myself? why am i running? why do i need to run? i acknowledge within myself in this moment, all the things that i have done. some things i have been punished for. shamed. received consequences, sometimes disproportionate to my crimes. but other things i absolutely got away with scot-free. but getting away with things did not keep me from the eventuality of facing myself. bare naked. and i worked really hard on making all the right choices. and choosing to be “straight”… enough at least. to not hurt anyone who did not deserve any hurting.¬†does me being a different person make it alright to leave the past in the past? i figure, perhaps it hasn’t gone away because it has not been expressed in any way other than emotions and memories floating in my mind. i am so sorry. i am so incredibly sorry, that i did any of that – for attention, or to feel wanted, out of desperation or wanting to take from life what i felt it owed me. nothing justifies hurting, taking from or lying to a person. especially the ones who have cared about me. i have paid my dues. i have lost most of everything in my life. i know what rock bottom feels like. i was fortunate enough that by the grace of the universe, a sequence of events took place to bring me back to center and into abundance. so i speak only the truth now and am as genuine and honest as i know how to be in all situations. the truth is there were many parts of myself that in hindsight after healing most wounds, i look back and think what the hell was wrong with me? and those things that caused me to be who i am are very much forever a part of me, somewhere, tucked away. hopefully for good, but perhaps always just one mistake away from spilling out. and i try incredibly hard to be my best self, because i know what’s on the other end of of the tale and i never want to be that again. i hope this is an acknowledgement enough for myself to be at peace with things. it certainly would be nice to be able to forgive my past self for all the crazy things she did because she was hurting and didn’t know better. but now she does.

retrograde

the past month or two has been quite an emotional roller coaster ride. not that all of life isn’t. or that there’s really any “down” time where there isn’t something to process or grow from. but the planets have been in retrograde and causing some chaos. stirring things up so i am able to fine tune myself and life even more. i feel like my expression had switched over to an emotional channel and i desire not to put in much effort into thinking about what i write. instead, i just sit here and flow with my emotions. eyes closed half the time. it’s kinda beautiful to journal for myself, to allow my thoughts to just be. instead of presenting things for people to see. i feel as though it sets a part of me free. the part that is concerned with how everything comes across. wanting to please. or to impress. it’s beautiful to accept myself more and more as i am. so what if i am quirky. or weird. or a little awkward. everybody is uniquely themselves. both likable and unlikable. why do i waste time trying to be anything for anyone else and forget how to just be me. i want to be myself. and learn what that means. i think it’s good time i did just that.

observing

is there such a thing as the “right” people. as in, the right people to surround yourself with. or the right people to have in your life. should you remove those who negatively impact your space? or is “right” just an illusion and people are just people. to be allowed to be in your life as they are, despite whatever it is that frustrates you, hurts you or puts you off. should you instead work on acceptance and getting to a place where people aren’t able to have an impact on how you feel. a place of no reaction because reaction is not necessary. because reacting is a choice. does that place exist? or is that an illusion? from that space where you are neither happier nor saddened, calmed nor frustrated by the action of others, does joy exist? can you choose to let in the good without feeling the bad? can one exist without the other? or are you meant to feel everything in its entirety, with no expectation of control over life. yours or anyone else’s. to be here solely to watch, to experience. to just flow with the currents. to be nothing more and nothing less than just the observer.

star light, star bright

i wish i could go back in time. with all this love and sanity, to save myself. it pains me so much when i think of how things played out in my life. before i knew how to process what was going on and foresee how it would later impact me and my life. how it would affect all my choices and experiences. i wish i could save myself from the negative influence my parents relationship and separation was to my space. to watch them argue and fight and yell and scream. to see them so unhappy, so lacking. so incomplete. to have seen and internalized all that violence and rage. i wish i could save myself from all the bad choices i made. all the bad choices i made from that space of chaos and insanity. i wish i could give myself a home. a real home, one that wouldn’t get taken away. ripped from my heart and hands. leaving me displaced, alone, lost – to figure out how to fend for myself. i wish i had the tools to cope with what happened better. i wish my parents showed me what love is. what true, unapologetic, wholesome, complete love is. for self. for each other. not a game of cat and mouse. never being satisfied. complaining. disagreeing. fighting. controlling. waiting for love. begging for a love that isn’t there. i wish i knew what love is. i wish i could have chosen to hold on to the right people and not need to walk into all the wrong ones. to know who loved me and who didn’t know how to. to tell the difference, to have my foundation so grounded at home, with my family – to have a family – to not need to seek fulfillment outside. to not think i was in search of happiness when in reality, i was trying to fill a void. the void that was family i wanted back. the void that would could never be filled. i wish i had a home to go back to, when i didn’t feel safe and in the right place. when i changed my mind. someone to protect me and love me and listen to me and guide me with a conscious and loving hand. a space i could remain settled in so i could take my time with decisions i made and not have to rush through everything to find stable ground. i wish i didn’t step into life so damaged. so angry, so bitter, so broken, so needy. even though now in hindsight i can see how the damage began so much earlier than the the time the separation took place, i didn’t know back then. and i was used to having a family. i still needed my family. i wish it didn’t all get ripped away from me. i wish i didn’t find myself 18, on the cusp of adulthood, in the middle of a shitstorm. i wish my parents were in a better place to have been able to be around for us. to prioritize us. to care about how it was impacting us. i wish they had the coping tools to have separated better. without the great big mess that ensued. i wish they knew how it was their fault, and not ours. their choice, not ours. and didn’t punish us for it. i wish they apologized, not for discovering they weren’t meant to be, but for putting us through such an ugly terrible few years. for leaving us, for changing the game on us partway through. i wish they found a way to minimize damage to us. to acknowledge how much we were still loved by the other, instead of ripping each other apart, putting us in the middle of a war. making me feel like neither loved me. neither prioritized me. neither cared. i wish it didn’t all make me feel unloved, so i wouldn’t have had to look for love in all the wrong places. so i didn’t have to trade parts of myself i did not want to, to be wanted, approved, accepted. i wish i understood how to love and be loved. that i did not need to make myself more agreeable in order to be taken in by others. that being damaged goods did not mean no one could love me. that i didn’t need to be desperate. and that desperate love was never going to be wholesome love. i wish i knew how worthy i was. worthy of real, good love. that i was not defined by the trauma i had been through. i wish i was unafraid of the good people. unafraid to be patient, and to be loved right. i wish i didn’t need to be such a disaster, turning everything i touched into shit. too scared i would hurt anyone who knew how to love me, and choosing those that didn’t know how to. allowing myself to replay the same scenario over and over and over again. to remain comfortably where i knew how to be, rejected, hidden, wrong. blaming it on others. over and over again until i faced myself to see that it was i that didn’t know how to love myself. i wish i knew how to be then, who i am now. worthy. worthy of all the love life has to give me. worthy of being treated right. worthy of happiness. worthy because i am no less than anyone else that exists, broken or not. just as they are no less worthy than i am. because worthiness is not something you have to sell parts of yourself to own. it is not something that is traded or earned or given to you through approval. it does not demand you to be perfect or even alright. it just is. you are here. and you are worthy. i wish i knew that, before i had lost all parts of myself just to find that worthiness was not to be found at the bottom of the barrel. after i was done draining all of myself and had nothing left to give. nothing left to be. the bottom was emptiness.¬† worthiness, on the other hand, is the barrel. and the barrel is me. i wish i could have saved myself all that pain and all that trouble and all the mistakes made. but i suppose all i can do, is be thankful that after all that, i found my way here. that i have survived. that i can heal myself. and maybe, just maybe, i will be able to give all that i wished for myself – to my children. to my daughter/s. so that 30 years from now, they aren’t sitting with themselves wishing it had been different. i wish for them, love.

star light, star bright,
first star i see tonight,
i wish i may, i wish i might,
have this wish i wish tonight.

formuLIE

it’s been almost a year of breastfeeding for us, and in this time i have come to realise how incredibly simple breastfeeding can be and how out of touch with our own nature we have become. 

sure, women and most other mammals have been breastfeeding since the beginning of our existence. it should be instinct. but breastfeeding as a human at a time where everyone wants convenience poses and entirely different challenge.

a generation ago, our mothers were made to believe that formula was better than breast milk. a generation sold on the convenience and comfort that modern day life had to offer. bombarded by advertisements paid for by the very corporations who had everything to gain with no other reliable or available source of information, how could we blame them?

fortunately things have changed since then and for those of us who want to be educated now, there is an entire world wide web of information for us to tap into at our fingertips. but in large part, the damage has been done.

i’ve been told a whole ton of different stories where it comes to unsuccessful breastfeeding. low supply, fussing baby, painful latching, rejection of direct latching and the list goes on. but all i hear is the same issue of inadequate education on the true journey that is breastfeeding and a preference for convenience with formula as an opt out. the easy albeit expensive alternative.

i understand. when ella was admitted for jaundice and had to undergo phototheraphy, after latching for half an hour and falling asleep, i put her back down for light where she woke up and started crying. wanting to calm her down (or shut her up), the nurse asked if i minded her giving ella some formula. worried about my child and not wanting her to be crying in the nicu, i said okay.

at this point, my milk had not kicked in yet. it sometimes takes a few days. especially for first time mothers. but no one had informed me. all babies do at that stage is latch latch latch. nonstop – to bring in the milk. but no one was informing me.

no information from the nurses and doctors. the people we look to for advice when we find ourselves in those situations. only formula. and then we turn to the people around us for help. if we’re lucky, someone has the necessary information on what to do. if not, we find ourselves surrounded by people telling us to supplement. confinement ladies, mothers or friends that believe formula is alright. 

for any mother who has just gone through the process of childbirth after a long pregnancy, who is emotionally and physically drained and in need of care, who is willing and needing to trust her caregivers – such misinformation at this critical time is dangerous. it causes a lot of mistakes with feeding and supplementing with formula because why not, right? formula is accessible, reliable, measurable, less stressful and healthy.

except that it is not. healthy, that is.

formula is inferior to breast milk. contains all sorts of additives, preservatives and sugars. destroys the natural gut flora and should only be used as an absolute last resort when needed – as opposed to starvation. after direct latching, expressed breast milk and donor breast milk. 

formula is sold as a necessity. but it is not. formula is promoted as a healthy option. but it is not.

breast is best. always.

but you can’t go up to a mother or friend and start giving them directions on what to do. you can’t tell them what’s better or healthier or natural. you just have to stand back and watch silently, because no one wants to be told. because no one is asking. we know plenty of situations where women receive a ton of unsolicited advice from a know-it-all relative. no one wants to be that jackass.

so we keep our mouths shut. i keep my mouth shut. and let everyone journey their own journey. 

but what if someone would rather know if there’s something more they could do. if they’re making the healthy choice. if what they’re going through is normal. 

what if i just put it out here, in case someone stumbles upon this and could use the help.  

breastfeeding is not just an act of feeding one’s youngling. breastfeeding is communication between mother and child. after delivery (especially for first time mothers), milk may take a couple of days to kick in. this is normal. don’t supplement. a baby is expected to lose a percentage of their weight in the first week before they begin to gain weight and can go without milk for those few days without issue. as milk kicks in, baby is given a good dose of colostrum – which provides all the essential antibodies for a newborn.

how much milk a mother produces is a matter of demand. more demand = more supply. in the early days, baby may want to latch all throughout the day. you may wonder why baby is constantly hungry or cranky. if you are making enough milk. the solution is to offer boob when baby stirs. even if it seems like all your time is spent with a baby on your breast. this is normal. don’t supplement. the frequency of feeding will reduce as as baby’s tummy grows.

then just as you think you’ve gotten into a routine and know what baby needs, baby will go through a growth spurt which causes baby to need much more milk and seem unsettled. for a day or two, it may feel like you have a newborn again. this too, is normal. don’t supplement. just offer baby the breast as much as needed once again. repeat until no longer breastfeeding. 

babies should be breastfed for at least 6 months where they do not need water or anything else other than breastmilk, but continue to benefit from breastmilk and the bonding associated to breastfeeding for years. in times of sickness, a mother’s body makes antibodies to be delivered to the child through breastmilk. after 1 year shall you decide to stop breastfeeding, your child no longer needs milk – not formula, not cow’s milk – and can adequately receive all needed nutrients from a good diet. 

you don’t ever have to buy into the formulie. save yourself the money. nature has already given us all we need for the best chance of survival. 

when in doubt – always trust nature.