i struggle a fair bit in marriage. i am thankful to have found someone who wants to spend all of life with me. and is loyal and trustworthy. i am lucky. luckier than some. perhaps luckier than quite a portion of people. but that does not mean i do not struggle. because i sure do. i struggle with the lack of warmth, communication and openness. i am not a perfect being. i acknowledge the traits i have that may not make it easy for my partner to remain still or complacent. but it is those very traits that allow my partner to chase his dream. perhaps it is easier to not need to achieve. not grow. not challenge one’s self. not need to be anything other than what is. but then, that’s not how i function. i try. i push. i don’t want to sit by idly if something can be done. yes, it has been disastrous in the past. not knowing how to express myself well. or expecting too much. or pushing too hard. because i see myself when my dad expresses that when people get emotional/weak, he feels the need to push. i admit that is wrong. results vary depending on the situation. there are some situations where people may need pushing. and then some when people need to be encouraged in wholesome ways. just because loving encouragement may take more patience and time to accomplish results does not mean it is the lesser method. because there is fear, and then there is love. and it matters what space people take action from. unless necessary, i don’t want anyone to do things out of fear. the truth when spoken does not need to be angry or demanding. i acknowledge that, and my mistakes in the past. i try my very best to approach things fairly now. without being too pushy. with care. but more often than not, no matter how i approach bringing up a need i have or a concern or request, my husband stonewalls me.
“Stonewalling is when a person withdraws from a conversation or discussion and refuses to address your concerns. The person may choose to outright ignore your requests, respond with dismissive, invalidating replies or evade responding appropriately altogether by giving vague responses that refuse to answer your original questions. In many cases, when one partner stonewalls another, the conversation is shut down before it even has a chance to begin. Usually, stonewalling and the silent treatment go hand in hand.”
we know what is going on. he is aware of his stonewalling and silence. but he has not found a way out of it yet. and i feel as though i am more cautious than i should be when bringing something up, because i am afraid of causing him to stonewall. sometimes it’s absolutely necessary to take the time and do my checklist before expressing something. but sometimes it’s not even me. and when that happens, and it happens often, i just don’t know what to do. i feel as though there is no talking to him about things when i sometimes need to. yes, it’s not always convenient, but having conversations on things in life is normal. to me, at least. it’s so hard in any situation when people don’t want to talk about the uncomfortable or slightly less pleasant things. and it’s an additional struggle when my husband finds almost everything unpleasant to be spoken of. he’d much rather stonewall everything. but stonewalling does not bring growth or progress to our life. stonewalling does not help us be a better team. stonewalling just makes me feel alone and frustrated. on good days i am able to walk away. but the days are not always good. and then i wonder, why do i need to feel this way all the time? all relationships have issues. that is entirely normal. to me, the success of any relationship depends on the ability to communicate and work through issues with openness and warmth. i am not perfect, but i am open to accepting my imperfections and mistakes. i wasn’t always this way. it took work to get here. and many destroyed relationships. i get it, everyone has to experience and learn. but how can i be that space for him and have a healthy relationship for myself at the same time? i am tired. i just want to be able to communicate. why do i always have to be the “bigger” person and make peace? or be the one to bounce back? i am tired of struggling just to have a conversation. each and every time.